Growing Pains...

As it happens, I am once again feeling very angry, because Jason is still dead after 4 1/2  years and I am...STILL NOT OVER IT...I find myself sitting at work and listening to something or reading something and suddenly I am crying...out of nowhere for no "apparent reason"...as if I really NEED one...then I start to have a memory come on like a commercial on t v...I see this sandy haired little boy about 8 -10 coming over to me while I lie on the couch watching a movie or some such and here he comes in his striped or solid colored shirt short or long sleeves...varies as do mustard colored pants or blue jeans or maybe a fresh pair of pajamas depending on time of day...he looks to see if he has my attention and he does...then he asks "Can I lay on you?"...I can still hear the little boy voice not high pitched just clear, crisp sounding and the hope for a "yes" in the tone...

I find a more comfortable position to allow for his body on mine for an extended period of time...he lays down, his feet at my ankles...his head with it's bowl cut or "mushroom" cut hairstyle just under my chin....his drink next to mine on the table...I wrap my arms around him...he breaths deep and then relaxes into a rhythmic shallow intake and output of air...we managed to stay like that for more than an hour sometimes...every now and again we would start and finish a movie that way...we would both be more than content to just stay that way...I remember his scent, the smell of his shampoo/sweat/soap/clothes  quite vividly right now and I'm smiling...we liked the same movies t v shows and video games...

Now I play alone...kind of...

Today I am looking forward with some trepidation, to the birth of my granddaughter Olivia some time between now and second week of January...as we know, just because those of us on the outside can say this is on or about the time the baby will get here, they usually have their own calendar that they don't share until they decide to make their grand entrance...so she may have her own ideas...

I want for her to know of Uncle Jason...and she will...my hope for her is that she not see the hurt too much in the face of her "Grumps"...I don't want to be "that angry old man who sits and cries a lot every time we go to see him mommy"...I want her to know the joy she brings and I want to return it a thousand times over to her...I want to see through all the ages and stages of her life...I hope to have more sweet memories of a new life shared with me...

I hope to have the feeling of pure joy last the rest of MY life as I watch her grow...