all child death is different...most especially with age...so is the manner of expressed grief...I am in a slightly different position due to my point of view, however, others might see it as totally different...I am the dad of a 22 y/o son that was killed in car crash...prior to that when Jason was 4 we were expecting (for 3 mos) a baby brother or sister...his mom miscarried...being the dad it was not my body changing for 3 months of pregnancy...I cried with my son when we got the news...I showed him a man could cry without shame or the need to hide his tears...at first it scared him to think his dad was hurting so bad he was actually crying...
I may have been detached physically but I was connected emotionally...today I am grieving STILL almost 5 years later the death of Jason and I am not the same person I was before...I am sure people wonder HOW and WHY a father can feel such pain/hurt and anger "after all this time"...I see posts from women every day saying that men don't feel what they fee, that we don't hurt like they hurt and about how men don't understand "how we feel"...I say to them you don't how much we CAN feel and how much we CAN hurt because we can't find the words to express it...I am not your "typical man...we are a product of our environment for the most part for sure and society as a whole...few of us dare to swim upstream...I am one of the few...it just comes more naturally to me as I am more a product of my time...I grew up LISTENING to "question authority"/women's lib/racial integration/and how men need to be more open and sensitive to their own feelings and emotions and those of the women in our lives...
so here I am a social and emotionally enlightened man living in the 21st century and STILL swimming upstream...comparing death/grief is useless...there are no winners in the argument...but I try to keep an open mind as to how people view and deal with grief...theirs and mine...as much as I have been repeating lately how knocked out I am that with all our technical/social/psychology forward progress we have yet to even BEGIN to comprehend how the...
DEATH OF A CHILD CAN DECIMATE A PARENT
people will ask those closest to us "how's he doing?"..."it must be hard."..."STILL HAS MOMENTS?"...and the ever popular "if there's ever anything I can do"...well now that you mention it:
I do NOT expect the world to start revolving around ME or the people in my life to make me the center of their universe...however, from everything I have read or heard since May 26, 2006 (the day Jason was killed) when YOUR CHILD DIES people around you suddenly become VERY UNCOMFORTABLE being near you for long periods of time...some can't be around you at all...and I am talking about FAMILY not just friends...NOBODY WANTS TO MENTION THE CHILD'S NAME...I might CRY if I hear JASON spoken by somebody in the same room as me...AND THEN WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!!...HOW ABOUT GIVE ME HUG AND A BOX OF TISSUES....not necessarily in that order...I PROMISE I WILL STOP CRYING...EVENTUALLY....will my mini-meltdown RUIN YOUR FUCKING DAY? WELL NOW, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?...or will it show you a man can still be affected by the death of HIS CHILD or that YOU CAN'T handle the reality of that?...so the question becomes...
WHO'S TRUE FEELINGS ARE YOU AFRAID OF?...MINE OR YOURS?...if YOU were the one crying where do you think I would be? have I EVER RAN OUT OF A ROOM BECAUSE YOU WERE UPSET ENOUGH TO CRY?...if I did it was running AFTER YOU with a box of tissues in hand and a HUG AT THE READY...WHY CAN'T I EXPECT THE SAME FROM YOU?...
I DO NOT EXPECT phone calls EVERY day to see "how I'm doing" or even every week...I UNDERSTAND EVERYONE ELSE HAS A LIFE WITH OR WITHOUT ME...I don't expect that to change...but if nothing else I would HOPE people would UNDERSTAND that while I am no longer the same social animal I used to be or the same person entirely...I can tell you how I feel if you ask and WAIT for the answer, instead of making it seem like you're doing me a social courtesy to make yourself feel better...
and if my answer is "not real good at the moment" don't tell me to "be strong" and that "it will get better" or "Jason wouldn't want"...I KNOW ALL THAT...ALL I'M SAYING IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT FUCKING NOW...it IS a momentary thing and it DOES come and go and if that is the answer you get it is only because THAT IS what I am FEELING IN THE MOMENT YOU ASKED...IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW I AM FEELING DON'T ASK THE QUESTION...
I know my daily work schedule doesn't allow for much time together mon - thurs...but with enough ADVANCED notice (a week) we might be able to mange a Friday night thing or a full Saturday...
I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO TALK ABOUT JASON NON-STOP...BUT IT'D BE NICE IF OTHERS COULD MENTION HIS NAME MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR...
while just like your childhood/school friends disappear from your life one at a time or all at once and you realize it's really nice that no matter how much TIME PASSES or the DISTANCE has kept you apart, you can still pick up where you left off from the last time you were TOGETHER...
SPEAKING FOR MOST PARENTS THAT HAVE HAD A CHILD DIE...I WOULD SAY IF WE CRY AND CARRY ON FOR A BIT SO WHAT?...IT WILL STOP...but it would be nice even for US IF OTHERS WOULD MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO JUST...
BE TOGETHER...
WITH US...
I may have been detached physically but I was connected emotionally...today I am grieving STILL almost 5 years later the death of Jason and I am not the same person I was before...I am sure people wonder HOW and WHY a father can feel such pain/hurt and anger "after all this time"...I see posts from women every day saying that men don't feel what they fee, that we don't hurt like they hurt and about how men don't understand "how we feel"...I say to them you don't how much we CAN feel and how much we CAN hurt because we can't find the words to express it...I am not your "typical man...we are a product of our environment for the most part for sure and society as a whole...few of us dare to swim upstream...I am one of the few...it just comes more naturally to me as I am more a product of my time...I grew up LISTENING to "question authority"/women's lib/racial integration/and how men need to be more open and sensitive to their own feelings and emotions and those of the women in our lives...
so here I am a social and emotionally enlightened man living in the 21st century and STILL swimming upstream...comparing death/grief is useless...there are no winners in the argument...but I try to keep an open mind as to how people view and deal with grief...theirs and mine...as much as I have been repeating lately how knocked out I am that with all our technical/social/psychology forward progress we have yet to even BEGIN to comprehend how the...
DEATH OF A CHILD CAN DECIMATE A PARENT
people will ask those closest to us "how's he doing?"..."it must be hard."..."STILL HAS MOMENTS?"...and the ever popular "if there's ever anything I can do"...well now that you mention it:
I do NOT expect the world to start revolving around ME or the people in my life to make me the center of their universe...however, from everything I have read or heard since May 26, 2006 (the day Jason was killed) when YOUR CHILD DIES people around you suddenly become VERY UNCOMFORTABLE being near you for long periods of time...some can't be around you at all...and I am talking about FAMILY not just friends...NOBODY WANTS TO MENTION THE CHILD'S NAME...I might CRY if I hear JASON spoken by somebody in the same room as me...AND THEN WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!!...HOW ABOUT GIVE ME HUG AND A BOX OF TISSUES....not necessarily in that order...I PROMISE I WILL STOP CRYING...EVENTUALLY....will my mini-meltdown RUIN YOUR FUCKING DAY? WELL NOW, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?...or will it show you a man can still be affected by the death of HIS CHILD or that YOU CAN'T handle the reality of that?...so the question becomes...
WHO'S TRUE FEELINGS ARE YOU AFRAID OF?...MINE OR YOURS?...if YOU were the one crying where do you think I would be? have I EVER RAN OUT OF A ROOM BECAUSE YOU WERE UPSET ENOUGH TO CRY?...if I did it was running AFTER YOU with a box of tissues in hand and a HUG AT THE READY...WHY CAN'T I EXPECT THE SAME FROM YOU?...
I DO NOT EXPECT phone calls EVERY day to see "how I'm doing" or even every week...I UNDERSTAND EVERYONE ELSE HAS A LIFE WITH OR WITHOUT ME...I don't expect that to change...but if nothing else I would HOPE people would UNDERSTAND that while I am no longer the same social animal I used to be or the same person entirely...I can tell you how I feel if you ask and WAIT for the answer, instead of making it seem like you're doing me a social courtesy to make yourself feel better...
and if my answer is "not real good at the moment" don't tell me to "be strong" and that "it will get better" or "Jason wouldn't want"...I KNOW ALL THAT...ALL I'M SAYING IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT FUCKING NOW...it IS a momentary thing and it DOES come and go and if that is the answer you get it is only because THAT IS what I am FEELING IN THE MOMENT YOU ASKED...IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW I AM FEELING DON'T ASK THE QUESTION...
I know my daily work schedule doesn't allow for much time together mon - thurs...but with enough ADVANCED notice (a week) we might be able to mange a Friday night thing or a full Saturday...
I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO TALK ABOUT JASON NON-STOP...BUT IT'D BE NICE IF OTHERS COULD MENTION HIS NAME MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR...
while just like your childhood/school friends disappear from your life one at a time or all at once and you realize it's really nice that no matter how much TIME PASSES or the DISTANCE has kept you apart, you can still pick up where you left off from the last time you were TOGETHER...
SPEAKING FOR MOST PARENTS THAT HAVE HAD A CHILD DIE...I WOULD SAY IF WE CRY AND CARRY ON FOR A BIT SO WHAT?...IT WILL STOP...but it would be nice even for US IF OTHERS WOULD MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO JUST...
BE TOGETHER...
WITH US...
