Baby Seal Time Let the Clubbing Begin...AGAIN...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Current mood: hopeful

Category: Life

in the middle of the day...you notice how well things have been going...how good you feel about this moment in time...that you felt pretty good overall for a brief period of time...then suddenly out of nowhere the storm clouds gather...

you suddenly without trying or giving it the slightest thought...find yourself atop the highest mountain and gazing straight down into a giant chasm...you stare into the great abyss of sorrow and despair...and the memories come flooding back on the wave of a tsunami that can only be endured...the thought of even trying to slow it down is futile...you are engulfed and swept away...

it is 2 A M Saturday morning May 27, 2006 all over again...the words ring in your head like an echo throughout time...

JASON IS GONE...HE IS DEAD...

JASON WAS KILLED IN THE CRASH...

CHRIS IS DEAD TOO, HIS FRIEND...

sometimes it's the little things...making phone calls to tell others that Jason was killed in a car crash...the tears and pain come together...fresh and new just like the first moments this reality tried to work its way into my mind and take up PERMANENT RESIDENCE...JASON IS DEAD THIS IS NOT A DREAM OR NIGHTMARE THIS IS YOUR REALITY...

CONGRATULATIONS !! YOU HAVE JUST WON A LIFETIME OF PAIN AND SORROW!!!...WE HOPE YOU ENJOY LIVING IT AS MUCH AS WE ENJOYED BRINGING IT TO YOU!!!...BUT HEY, GO ON AND HAVE A NICE LIFE AND FIND A WAY TO PUT THIS BEHIND YOU AND HAVE FUN!!!...

too flip? too harsh??

FUCK YOU HOW ABOUT THAT?

JASON IS DEAD AND IT STILL FUCKING HURTS 17 MONTHES LATER...JUST LIKE DAY ONE...

IMAGINE THAT...

YOU CAN'T !!!...

I see how life managed to go on while I got lost...making FUNERAL arrangements for My Son...selecting a coffin...flowers, cards, clothes...casket open or closed sir?...Jason's grandmother and future stepmom by my side to help with these decisions I, nor they should have been made to make...doing my best to will this all to not be real...trying with every fiber of my being to wake myself up because this has to be a NIGHTMARE I AM TRAPPED IN !!!...

no matter how many times I have slept (barely or not well most nights) since then...I still wake up to find that Jason is still dead...REALLY, STILL DEAD...the sad thing is LIFE DOES GO ON WITH OR WITHOUT YOU NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE... OR WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE...

the irony in this for me right now is the fact that I am moving FORWARD in my own way and time...Mich and I are steering as straight a course as possible...heading for a real form of HAPPINESS IN OUR FUTURE TOGETHER...

Jason would be PROUD AND AMUSED to know we are getting married on Halloween and appreciate the meaning of it all to us...even now I can see him smiling with approval...as much as he will be with us on our wedding day as he is with us every day...he will also simultaneously, not be there as well...

WE TAKE THIS TIME TO HONOR HIM...

WE KNOW HE IS WATCHING AND IS PLEASED...

WE KNOW HE WILL NOT MISS THIS FOR THE WORLD...

WE CARRY THIS THOUGHT OF HIM TO HELP US CARRY ON WITHOUT HIM...

WE WILL ENDURE THE PAIN AND FIND THE HAPPINESS IN OUR FUTURE IN HIS NAME...TOGETHER...

LIFE GOES ON AND FOR HIM WE WILL ALWAYS TRY TO GRAB LIFE...

JASON WOULD WANT THAT FOR ALL OF US...

the original title of this blog was about how I felt like I was being beaten with clubs just like a baby seal...hence the title: Baby Seal Time Let the Clubbing Begin...AGAIN...

and as we know...the hits just keep on coming

Dreamscapes & Nightmares...

Monday, January 07, 2008

Dreamscapes & Nightmares...

Current mood: depressed

Category: Life

now we add to the next number in the long line of "special events" and holidays you are MISSING JASON...2 Halloweens 2 Thanksgivings 2 Christmases 2 New Years...and very soon now 2...

BIRTHDAYS...

Leigh got married Jay...3 months younger than you but he GOT MARRIED before you did !!!

oh wait, I’m sorry, he isn’t 3 months younger than you...he’s gonna be 2 YEARS OLDER NOW!!!...you see it’s like this SON...

YOU DIED AT 22 !!!

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARE...DEAD

YOU ARE DEAD JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA AND I AM STUCK HAVING TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING THIS IS A FACT OF MY LIFE!!!

now this is supposed to be a most JOYFUL time in my life...I am married to the BEST WOMAN EVER...YOUR STEP MOM MICH...we are now looking toward the FUTURE with a hopeful eye...sometimes a tear filled eye...because no matter how hard we try we can’t see YOU SHARING THAT FUTURE IN A LIVING BODY...

thoughts of you looking approvingly at what we do in memory and honor of you give us a chance to smile again, that you would be happy for us facing an uncertain future yet, forging ahead no matter, what side by side...

dreaming lately has become stranger than usual for me...is it you are trying to tell me something I can only feel but not consciously understand?...do they have any meaning at all and why can’t I remember them clearly but I can be left with the oddest feelings I have ever had?...feelings that remain throughout the day that leave me with a sense of understanding that can’t be explained...by me...to me !!!...

do I expect too much for one stupid thing like a dream to make sense?...just one dream...

as I have said before Jason, I never expected to EVER BE THE FATHER OF THE DEAD KID!!!...

YEAH...I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I imagine conversation after I pass 2 people, mostly at work..."who’s the weird guy?" one asks and the other responds "that’s Jaime, his kid DIED about 2 years ago."..."I think his screen name is theDEADKID’Sdad or some shit like that."...I also feel like that when I see someone new at the station for the first time and I start my nonsense conversation we used to have and when I walk away I can almost hear the newbie say "what’s his deal? why is he so weird?" and the answer comes back "his kid’s dead."...these days when I’m really not "handling this well"... like today, someone will ask how I am and now I say "ok, except I got a touch of the DEAD KID SYNDROME."...

SOME PEOPLE GET IT... OTHERS NEVER WILL...MY TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR IS MY DEFENSE MECHANISM...

MACABRE?...FUCKING-A RIGHT IT’S MACABRE...

BUT IT BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THINGS...

OR PEOPLE!!!...

NO MATTER WHAT I DO/ SAY/ THINK/ FEEL OR PRAY JASON YOU WILL REMAIN DEAD...

FUCK...

THAT HURTS LIKE HELL AND THEN SOME...

I know I can’t make this any different than it is... I just have to make this the best I can...this being the REALITY THAT IS MY FUTURE...I will try to remain in the real world as long as I can...I will look to the future with as much HOPE AS I CAN MUSTER...I will try to accept that the mere mention of your name makes friends and family terrified that I or anyone else might have a sad feeling at the sound of it...and we NEED TO AVOID FEELING SAD FOREVER IF AT ALL POSSIBLE...SO LET’S ALL TRY A LITTLE HARDER TO NOT FEEL ANYTHING, OK?

YOU ALL GO RIGHT AHEAD AND TRY TO IGNORE ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS YOU MAY HAVE...I WILL CONTINUE TO EXPRESS THEM WHENEVER POSSIBLE AND FREAK THE REST OF YOU OUT WHENEVER I DO...THERE HE GOES TALKING CRAZY AGAIN....

I don’t get why everyone has to walk around on eggshells every fucking day...If I say this someone will feel that and be hurt or upset by it...let’s hide everything negative we think and feel so no one will ever feel pain and express it...

LET’S BOTTLE UP ALL THOSE THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS FOLKS AND PUT A TIGHT LID ON IT SO WE ALL DON’T HAVE TO LIVE IN A WORLD OF REAL FEELINGS THAT ARE NOT GOOD ONES !!!...SPARE EVERYONE FROM FEELING SOMETHING BAD...LET’S ALL SIT AROUND AND WHINE WHEN WE’RE 60 SOMETHING ABOUT HOW MY BROTHER CALLED ME A NAME OR MY SISTER HIT ME WHEN I WAS 4 AND I NEVER GOT TO TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF WHILE THEY WERE ALIVE!!!...

after all, isn’t the world a much better place when relationships starting inside our own families are based on lies/ half truths and the art of deception to spare everybody’s feelings?...where is it written you have to love everyone you are related to forever? and who does?...oh really?!!..you do???...then you must be the only one on the planet that does and aren’t you just the better person than the rest of us?...

WE ARE ALL JUST PEOPLE AND PEOPLE... FALL IN AND OUT OF LOVE HURT THE ONES THEY LOVE UNINTENTIONALLY...SOMETIMES INTENTIONALLY...AND WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES...THE OUTSIDE WORLD RUINS ALL OUR LIVES FOR US EVENTUALLY...

SO WE SHOULDN’T SPEND SO MUCH TIME TRYING TO RUIN SOMEONE ELSE’S RIGHT NOW...LET’S ALL TRY TO GROW UP AND BE HONEST...MOM & DAD BROTHER & SISTER ARE ALL JUST HUMAN PEOPLE...IF YOUR LIFE SUCKS IT MAY BE SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT...BUT IF YOU LET IT, SEEKING REVENGE CAN RUIN IT FOREVER...

LIFE’S HARD ENOUGH IT DOESN’T NEED OUR HELP TO MAKE IT UNBEARABLE...

here’s a little hint for all you "he’s just nuts because of the dead kid" thinkers...maybe if you really listened to what he is saying...some of it just might make some kind of sense...just don’t expect me to explain it...

FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF...

THIS MAY BE RAMBLINGS TO YOU...

BUT SOMETIMES IT’S THE REALITY OF MY MIND...

the dreams being a mess I can handle relatively fine because they seem to be peaceful or bring a certain peace with them...even in the midst of a whole bunch of chaos...but then, that’s what dreams are anyway, right?...the hard part is waking up to the reality that...

no matter where I go or what I do...

I am what I am...

my nightmare is when awake to to find...

I AM THE DAD OF THE DEAD KID

And you thought I was done blogging ! or were you just HOPING?...

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

And you thought I was done blogging ! or were you just HOPING?...

Current mood: infuriated

Category: Life

Well, I am not done YET !!!

Let’s suppose you were the one with the...

SON THAT WAS KILLED AT 22 YRS OLD

Can you tell me again just EXACTLY how long before I can...

GET OVER IT, MOVE ON AND PUT IT BEHIND ME?

Because to be honest with you, either my calendar is broken or...

I AM VERY FAR BEHIND THE WHOLE CLOSURE SCHEDULE THE REST OF YOU SEEM TO THINK THERE IS FOR ME!

JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA!?

STILL DEAD SIR! MOVING ON SIR!

THANK YOU, NEXT !...

Is this how it works? To confirm what you must be thinking by now:

YES !! I’M FUCKING DEPRESSED!!!

VERY FUCKING SAD ALSO!!!

YOUR TURN TO GET OVER IT...

COME ON HURRY UP NOW!!

Did you ever wake up almost every single day and have the thought slam you in the head and heart...

MY SON IS DEAD?

well I do...funny thing is, I should be happier right about now...after all, I just got married to the best woman in the world for me...I now have 3 amazingly great stepchildren I wish were mine for real...I would be proud to say I helped make each of them ! I am proud to call them mine...I am not living alone on the streets or in a shelter...I drive a decent car...about 1 year away from retirement yet...

I don’t know something...

not quite...

hhhmmmm...

what is that little irritating feeling in my chest and belly...the heavy feeling of weight pressing down on my shoulders...almost feels like I’m being pressed into the ground?...

NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE...

been feeling like it a lot though lately, ever since...oh yeah !!!

SINCE JASON DIED!

MAYBE I should drink more...nope been doing that, it’s not helping...never been a good/heavy drinker...maybe I should start booting heroin...

NAH ! TOO SMART FOR THAT SHIT...

BESIDES, THEY RANDOM DRUG TEST AT WORK !!...THE BASTARDS!!!

At least at work I can more readily forget my troubles...but wait !... I work @ FDNY/EMS how can I get away from the horrors that haunt me?...

after all I hear about...

EVERYONE ELSE’S HORRORS EVERY FUCKING DAY !!

So why don’t you watch the news? read the paper? keep up with current/world events?

but Miffy Muffington farted this morning!!!!

film at 11!...some guy stuck his kid in a microwave last nite !! more film at 11...

let’s go live to the 23 year old mother of 3 setting her kids on fire in the parking lot !!!

I’m sick? yeah, sick of hearing this fucking bullshit everywhere I go being made to see it up any tv screen wherever I go...the deli.. the mall...everywhere!!!...

over and over again...

you may be mesmerized by this and desensitized as I used to be...yeah I watched it all myself endlessly...until...

JASON DIED

now, I really have no interest in seeing "funniest" home videos/ ass hole thieves or just plain ass holes getting killed on surveillance video or cell phone video or live feed from the newest disaster...my perspective and outlook have changed 180 degrees...I am no longer captivated and put to sleep by the mindless mind numbing horseshit that passes for reality tv or news footage...there is REAL HORROR GOING ON IN THE WORLD AND THE "MEDIA" ONLY FEEDS YOU WHAT THEY SAY YOU WANT TO SEE...

WHERE IS THE RAW FOOTAGE REALITY OF WHAT’S GOING ON IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ?...HOW MANY PARENTS ARE MISSING WATCHING THEIR KIDS KILLED ON LIVE TV FROM THE WAR TORN COUNTRIES WE HAVE TODAY...NOBODY WANTS TO RELIVE WHAT WE GREW UP ON IN MY TIME..THE VIETNAM WAR WAS JUST LIKE OUR REGULAR TV SITCOMS AND DRAMAS...TODAY THE AMERICAN PUBLIC CAN’T HANDLE THAT KIND OF REALITY...

WHY ARE ANY PARENTS HAVING THEIR KIDS KILLED THERE?

HOW MANY HAVE TO DIE BEFORE IT’S DECLARED A WAR THAT’S UNWINNABLE??? OR JUST A WAR?...

sorry, too much truth in those words...doesn’t much matter to me now because...

JASON IS STILL DEAD ...

AND ALWAYS WILL BE...

NO ANGELS TOOK HIM...

GOD DIDN’T NEED ANOTHER ANGEL...

HE ISN’T LOST...

JUST DEAD...

remember Jaime or JJ that crazy guy that would do or say just about anything to make you smile or laugh?... yeah, whatever happened to him?...oh, he went crazy...really?? yeah, almost immediately after...

JASON DIED...

NO !!!...NOT CRAZY!!!...JUST CHANGED... A LOT!!!

I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS...

BUT I AM THE SANE PERSON I AM... TODAY...

I just stopped being fascinated by all the bullshit on tv reality or not...

some of it is too real...too painful, too full of other people’s MISERY...the horrors in MY real life make it difficult to view someone else’s on a regular basis...even the pleasant atmosphere of going to a movie or watching a tv show can trigger a thought that takes hold and runs away with me like a roller coaster ride out of control and I feel strapped in and helpless to get free or off...

my own memories of JASON can make me feel the same way... MOST DON’T THOUGH...problem is I never know which of my memories are gonna make me sad...

FORTUNATELY FOR ME I HAVE NO PROBLEM CRYING ANYWHERE ANYTIME OVER THOUGHTS OF MY SON...

I WOULD MUCH RATHER PEOPLE SHARE THEIR MEMORIES OF JASON WITH ME INSTEAD OF PRETENDING HE IS STILL ALIVE OR HIS DEATH DOES NOT REALLY EXIST...

IT DOES.. HE’S DEAD... IT’S REAL...

LET’S ALL CRY BECAUSE WE CAN...

PLEASE...

JUST REMEMBER...

IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO RECAP THE RECENTLY DEAD/KILLED/TRAGIC CURRENT EVENTS OF THE DAY...

GO TALK TO SOMEBODY ELSE

WHO ISN’T ME...

THANK YOU

Madness Redefined Daily

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Madness Redefined Daily

Category: Life

2 years ago I walked into this CONCENTRATION CAMP

and heard the doors slam shut behind me and sealing me inside this

LIVING BREATHING TOMB FOREVER!!

THEN THE MADNESS TOOK OVER...

"HE'S GONE."

were the words that began it for me...

"Jason is gone, he's DEAD."

"NO !!!"

this can't be it makes NO SENSE...these words can't have any meaning for me really because they do not fit...they just don't work those words...you can put them in a sentence and say them out loud but...they make no real sense they...

CAN'T BE REAL!!!

IF THEY ARE REAL THEN THIS CAN'T BE A NIGHTMARISH DREAM I CAN WAKE FROM...

JASON WILL BE DEAD FOR REAL !!!

HE CAN'T BE DEAD...

HE'S MY SON !!!

the PAIN BEGINS...

WAVE AFTER WAVE OF RELENTNESS ENDLESS CRASHING CRUSHING PAIN

I can't breathe...

I am moving so I must be breathing so this must BE REAL...

but it's just a really horrible dream right?

"NO!"

NO DREAM

THIS IS REALITY

YOUR REALITY

"But I have to wake up there has to be a time for me to wake up so this can end ."

"YOU ARE AWAKE,THIS WILL NOT END IT BEGINS HERE AND NOW"...

"BUT HE IS MY SON."

"HE IS YOUR SON AND HE IS DEAD."

"HOW, WHY, WHY HIM?"

NO RESPONSE

"Is this ever going to end or at least make sense?"

"THIS ENDS WHEN YOU DO."

"THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW."

"But how do I go on, what do I do?"

"You go on because you have no choice."

LIFE CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE

I HAVE AND IT IS NOT AN OPTION

"But the pain and sadness/the tears...

THEY ARE COMING NOW THE TEARS

PAIN/TEARS/MOTION...

TIME PASSES/ PEOPLE MEANDER IN AND OUT VOICES TALKING...

FLOATING FAR AWAY...

HERE BUT NOT...

Funny the way you can remember the feel of things...the sense of being there right beside the sense that you weren't...the unreality...the surreal ness of it..like twilight...neither here nor there...shape without definition or substance...disconnected words and thoughts...arrange them any way you like but hey still make NO SENSE...

JASON IS DEAD

THAT MAKES NO SENSE

SO HOW CAN ANYTHING ELSE EVER AGAIN?

NOT SURE...JUST KEEP TRYING...

FAMILY AND FRIENDS HELP

THEY CARE...

THEY TALK...THEY LISTEN...

THEY TRY BUT CAN'T...

UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS IS FOR ME

MOST OF THE TIME NEITHER DO I !!!

SO HOW CAN THEY?

THEY CAN'T...

I DON'T EXPECT THEM TO...

I TRY TO MAKE SENSE WHEN I TALK BUT CAN THEY UNDERSTAND?

DO I?...NOT REALLY...

TOO MUCH OF THE TIME...

I know what I mean to say but do the words come out right when they do come out?

I know how I feel some of the time but try to explain when someone asks "how are you?" and you want to give that reflex response of "good/great/just fine thanks and you"...but more often these days I have to stop and think harder to try to answer casually or quickly so that we don't HAVE to get into the whole...

"well to be perfectly honest with you, I have been depressed as hell lately and the whole dad of the dead kid thing just isn't working for me as well as I thought it would... as a matter of fact now that you mention it I was just standing here thinking about how he died what he might have thought or felt as it was happening and whether or not he felt any pain or is even aware that he is even DEAD NOW STILL!...I was also thinking about how and when I might die and my loved ones are also included in these thoughts along with a handful of strangers and their possible end in this thing we call life...so as you can see it's just a typical Wednesday morning and can I have that egg sandwich to go please?...

WHAT?!

YOUR MIND AND THOUGHTS DON'T RUN AND WORK LIKE THIS?

THIS IS NORMAL RIGHT?

next thing you're gonna tell me is you don't sit in a car that's moving watching traffic and see all the wonderfully different horrible crashes and injuries and deaths that can result in one ASSHOLE BEING FUCKING STUPID WHILE DRIVING NO MATTER WHO IS IN THE CAR WITH HIM OR HOW MANY LIVES ARE TAKEN AND SHATTERED STILL DRIVING LIKE THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES ON THE ROAD AND ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!???

WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY WORLD PEOPLE...

SIT BACK STRAP IN HOLD ON AND SHUT UP

"HOW LONG DOES ALL THIS KIND OF THING GO ON?"

"AS LONG AS YOU DO."

"HOW DO I GO ON LIVING LIKE THIS?"

"YOU JUST DO."

"GRAB LIFE."

"OK, THANKS FOR LISTENING AND TALKING WITH ME."

"IT WAS MY PLEASURE."

"BY THE WAY, WHO ARE YOU?"

"word"

AGE IS JUST A NUMBER UNTIL YOU GET OLD AND DIE....

Friday, July 17, 2009

AGE IS JUST A NUMBER UNTIL YOU GET OLD AND DIE....

Current mood: angry

Category: Life

NICE OUTLOOK ON LIFE...IF YOU ARE STILL AMONG THE LIVING...LET'S ASK JASON AND CHRIS HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT THIS OUTLOOK...OH YEAH, WE CAN'T BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD !! 21 & 22 CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED OLD ENOUGH TO DIE...IN MY OPINION...

Am I being MEAN OR CRUEL to someone who has not only lost an arm but managed to KILL 2 FRIENDS ALL IN ONE STUPID MOVE?

SOMEHOW, I DON'T THINK SO...but before you go off defending the young man consider this...other lives have been affected beyond deeply by this senseless tragedy....yes, the driver has to live with this knowledge the rest of his life..BOO FUCKING HOO...GEE IT MUST SUCK TO BE HIM...I DON'T CARE WHAT HE IS GOING THROUGH...HE DOES HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT THE REST OF HIS LIFE...

BUT SO DO WE...PARENTS OF DEAD CHILDREN THAT DIED BEFORE THEY COULD GROW OLD...FOR NO GOOD REASON...NO REAL REASON...

Don't give me any of that BULLSHIT AT ALL ABOUT "GOD'S PLAN" OR EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...

YOU TRY to go on living a "normal" life when you wake up every day and remember that you're child is NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN...you will never hug him again or have a 2 sided conversation where you don't HAVE TO IMAGINE WHAT HE WOULD SAY....people don't know how I do it, every conversation that has any length before I break down and cry about what it must be like to carry this pain around every single moment of every single day...I get asked that a lot...the answer is I don't really know....yes, I can understand if it happened to you that you would either go insane or commit suicide or murder /suicide...

APPARENTLY THAT IS NOT MY STYLE...I DON'T KNOW WHY...

Call me weird or anything else you like but no, I don't give a flying fuck about michael jackson or anyone else that is that CARELESS WITH A HUMAN LIFE...we all make choices and if we are lucky... NOBODY DIES BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES WE MAKE !!!

maybe nobody deserves to read and understand what I am saying but before you lose your mind over this....remember one thing...

WE DON'T DESERVE TO BE LIVING THIS HELL OR LOSING OUR MINDS BECAUSE OUR SONS ARE DEAD...

REST IN PEACE JASON AND CHRIS...

BECAUSE WE CAN'T...

Thursday, September 20, 2007 GUILTY/NOT GUILTY/NOT INNOCENT/STILL DEAD

Current mood: awake

Category: Life

No matter what we have done that cannot be undone we are all GUILTY of something...it does not matter what we are GUILTY of...we know in OUR HEARTS IT WAS WRONG...

we may be made to carry the feelings of our GUILT with us the rest of our days...we may not want to face the simple TRUTH of any PAIN OR SUFFERING our actions may have caused...we may not have INTENDED anyone HARM...but we are sometimes RESPONSIBLE for another’s feelings of LOSS/PAIN/GRIEF...

that can last a LIFETIME OR SEVERAL LIFETIMES...

we may have no way of knowing just how many people have been touched by one IRRESPONSIBLE ACT of STUPIDITY...

there is no way to measure such things...what may be a seemingly simple act of WRECKLESS ABANDON CAN EASILY COST OTHERS A LIFETIME OF AGONY AND SORROW...or THEIR LIFE

MY SON

JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA

IS DEAD...NOT BY HIS OWN HAND...

NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT FACT...

JUSTICE IS A VERY OBJECTIVE WORD...

was it served or meted out properly on JASON’S BEHALF?...

I DO NOT KNOW...

I guess it depends on your definition of the word...and whom you ask that question of...

GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY

either way JASON IS STILL DEAD...

ALL I KNOW is that from this moment on I NEED to remain focused enough to keep myself and those that love me moving FORWARD...

Now all that lay ahead is an UNCERTAIN FUTURE...BUT I FACE IT NOW WITH NO SENSE OF DREAD...the memories of my son JASON will keep me moving in the right direction for ME...I will TRY TO LIVE EACH DAY THE WAY HE WOULD WANT ME TO...AT PEACE AND HAPPY...

or at least as happy as I can be WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO HEAR JASON’S VOICE HIS LAUGH OR HOLD HIM IN A HUG...

MY LIFE WILL GO ON... EVEN THOUGH JASON’S HAS ENDED...

I NOW LOOK FORWARD TO MY WEDDING DAY...I LOOK TO A BRIGHT NEW FUTURE WITH MY BRIDE BY MY SIDE...OUR PLANS AND HOPES AND DREAMS WILL NOT DIE...EACH NEW DAY WILL BE A GIFT FROM JASON AND WE WILL TREASURE IT ALWAYS...

WE WILL ALSO MAKE EACH DAY TOGETHER OUR GIFT TO JASON AND HIS MEMORY...WE PLAN TO GRAB LIFE...

FOR JASON

SO HOW U DOIN' ?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

SO HOW U DOIN' ?

Current mood: angry

Category: Life

I AM JUST FUCKING FINE !!!...THANKS FOR ASKING !! ...NOW YOU ARE GONNA WISH YOU HADN’T...LET’S SEE, I HAVE HEARD FROM PEOPLE IN ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION THAT...I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...WHAT CAN I SAY?...HEAVEN HAS ANOTHER ANGEL...HEAVEN AND GOD NEEDED ANOTHER ANGEL...GOD HAS A PLAN...THERE’S A REASON FOR THIS...AND ON AND ON IT GOES...IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS TO ME DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT...YOU ALL KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE WARM AND FUZZY CLICHES PHRASES AND ASSORTED TERMS OF COMFORT ALREADY !!...

THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS... IS THE BEST WAY TO PHRASE ANY AND ALL OF HOW AND WHAT I FEEL ABOUT JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA BEING DEAD...ONE STUPID FUCKING REASON IS ALL THERE IS TO EXPLAIN WHY MY SON IS DEAD...A MOMENT IN TIME... A FUCKING NANOSECOND COULD HAVE MADE THE OUTCOME DIFFERENT!!...IS IT REALLY FOR THE BEST THAT JASON DIED?...WOULD HE HAVE BEEN IN NO SHAPE TO HAVE SOME FORM OF A LIFE HAD HE SURVIVED THE CRASH?...

WHY WAS THERE A CRASH IN THE FIRST PLACE?...I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWER TO THAT...JUST THE QUESTION...AND I AM STUCK WITH THAT AND OTHER UNANSWERED QUESTIONS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT THIS WAY...WHY?...THE NEVER ENDING QUESTION...WHY DID MY FATHER DIE 2 MONTHS AND 6 DAYS BEFORE MY SON?...2 MONTHS AND 6 DAYS APART...LET’S ALL TAKE A MOMENT AND THINK ABOUT THAT ONE...

2 SENSELESS DEATHS...FATHER AND SON 2 MONTHS 6 DAYS APART...HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM DOING?...I TRY TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT (MEDICATED)...STILL UP EVERY 2 HOURS...GO TO WORK 30 MILES FROM HOME...BARELY EAT...DEPRESSION DIET...CAN’T ENJOY A GOOD MEAL THE WAY I USED TO...EVRYWHERE I GO AS SOON AS I GET THERE I WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE...IT’S BEING SOCIAL WITH MY OWN FUCKING FAMILY SOMETIMES...THAT AT LEAST IS GETTING BETTER...SOMETIMES...

WHEN I AM NOT THINKING OF JASON I AM THINKING OF MY FATHER...WHEN I DREAM IT’S BOTH OF THEM VISITING AND TELLING ME SOMETHING...TOO BAD I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCKING MESSAGE IS THEY ARE TRYING TO GET ME TO UNDERSTAND...OR IS THAT JUST A WARM AND FUZZY THOUGHT TO KEEP ME FROM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND?...SOME FOLK ARE VERY HELPFUL WITH GREAT ADVICE...WORDS TO LIVE BY FOR ALL OF US WHO SUFFER A LOSS BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION...LIKE THE DEATH OF A CHILD IN A SENSELESS CAR CRASH...THE WORDS ARE THESE...GET OVER IT...PUT IT BEHIND YOU...DON’T THINK ABOUT IT SO MUCH...IT’S TIME TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY AND MOVE ON...

ANOTHER QUESTION IS THIS...HOW MUCH WOULD THESE WORDS HELP YOU?...SOMETIMES I HEAR YOU ARE NOT DEALING WITH THIS THE RIGHT WAY...MY ANSWER?...FUCK YOU !! WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER AND SON DIE 2 MONTHS APART THEN MAYBE YOU CAN COME BACK AND TELL ME THE SECRET OF HOW YOU GOT OVER IT IN A SHORTER PERIOD OF TIME YOU ASS HOLE!!!...

UNTIL THEN FUCK OFF!!!...NO MATTER HOW YOU PUT IT...NO MATTER HOW WARM AND SOFT AND FUZZY YOU MAKE IT SOUND...IT STILL COMES UP SENSELESS FOR JASON TO BE DEAD...NO MAGIC WORDS...NO FUCKING CLOSURE!!!...NO PUTTING THIS SHIT TO REST...OR BEHIND ME...I WILL CARRY THE SENSELESS LOSS OF MY SON RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY...BUT I WILL KEEP MOVING FORWARD IN AS POSITIVE A DIRECTION AS I POSSIBLY CAN AND DO MY DAMNDEST TO FIND SOME PEACE AND HAPPINESS UNTIL THE DAY I DIE...BECAUSE JASON ONLY WANTED EVERYONE HE KNEW LOVED AND CARED FOR TO BE HAPPY...YOU MAY JOIN ME ON THIS QUEST...OR NOT...IF NOT BE HAPPY IN ALL YOU DO...FOR JASON

what if this never happened?...

what if this never happened?...

Saturday, March 17, 2007

..> ..>

what if this never happened?...

where would I be today?...chillin' with my friends...visiting da fam...remembering the good times ...I would probably have a place of my own...or close to getting 1...I would also be working hard to make COTRM a force to be reckoned with in the business world... NO MATTER WHAT... I WOULD BE ENJOYING MY LIFE...having FUN with FRIENDS...talking/listening sharing thoughts and ideas...making plans for MY FUTURE...I would be there for my FRIENDS in their time of NEED or SORROW...I would WANT them to find some PEACE and GRAB LIFE as much as they possibly could...I would do anything to make them SMILE and give them COMFORT...do my BEST to make them HAPPY...because I know they would do the SAME for ME...the LOSS OF A FRIEND OR LOVED ONE is a very HEAVY BURDEN to carry but as a friend you LEARN to SHARE the LOSS...LIFE GOES ON PEOPLE...relationships begin/end... jobs are gotten/lost ...everyone is born and dies...THE CYCLE CONTINUES...all we can do while we are here is share the joy and the sorrow... the laughter and the tears...the good times and bad...REMEMBER ME IN ALL THESE THINGS AND I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU...

JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA

4.14.84...5.26.06

"word"

Decem

freight train express...running through my head...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

freight train express...running through my head...

Current mood: depressed

Category: Life

I was raised with the catholic religious teachings from 1958-1972...the church and the world was going through some very intense dramatic changes...the American society of the time reflected those changes...as a child I remember being in church and not able to understand one word the priest said...he was speaking Latin and I was learning English...we used to go as a family...Dad went too...most moms and dads were married and stayed that way because it was a sin or disgrace to the family to get divorced...no matter what...I remember being taught to remain silent and solemn whenever I was inside a church...it is GOD'S HOUSE... or so I was told...I was also told that God was everywhere...so why does He need a house?...hmmmm...just wondering, hey I'm a kid...God loves everyone, even the bad people...

received my sacraments...all the way up to marriage...felt very peaceful for baptism and communion and nervous for confirmation...we learned in catholic school about the different sins...then we learned if the pope said it was ok, we could eat meat on Friday and not go to hell !...or purgatory which is hell light or heaven but not really...yeah, you figure that one out...they made it sound like a bus stop or train station where you wait to get to heaven where you meet God and all the cool saints...kind of a spiritual prison where you get released after serving an allotted amount of time for whatever you did wrong that was a sin but not a mortal sin...they were the worst...you could get sentenced to eternity being burned and feeling it forever, that would be really bad...and guess who decides whether you get to go on to heaven or burn in hell...yup, God...the one who loves everyone even the bad people...what confused me then and still does I guess, if He loves everyone and as we were told as we got older, forgives us for all the bad things we do and wants us to forgive each other...why do some of us spend eternity (forever) in hell burning?...

anyway, watching the church make some drastic changes as to what is a sin and what is not got very serious for the grown ups and then for us kids too...suddenly what I was eating wasn't such a big deal anymore no matter what day of the week it was...we were being taught that abortion was murder and we knew murder was the worst of the sins...we were given paperwork to show the progress of babies from conception (something we weren't allowed to learn how it happened in the first place!) to birth...you know we couldn't be instructed about that one either!...I mean the way it really happens...the next thing we knew we were going to rallies in Manhattan and Albany to yell at the Mayor and the Governor and anyone on the street that would listen that murdering unborn babies was wrong and should stay illegal...no matter what the circumstance of the mother and child...product of rape or incest were inconsequential according to the people that spoke directly to...you guessed it GOD...according to them God wanted babies to be born with all kinds of health/ social /mental issues and unstable home environments...if mommy and daddy were beating the kids or pedophiles or unwilling to care for the kids who cares?...God would want them to have a life of misery and suffering...why?...because He loves us !...is any of this part making sense to you yet?...did we understand any of what we were told to regurgitate at the abortion protests?...not really...how could we were 10-12 yr olds...what did we know about rape/incest and family situations or the cost of raising a child?...after all, we were children!!!...

while all these things were happening in America half way across the world our friends and family were losing their children to a war nobody declared...again innocent lives were taken...people were dying all over the place in huge numbers and God was...busy worrying what I was eating on a Friday?...His "children" are dying and suffering and killing each other every 10 seconds and He's worried about who ate a ham sandwich on Friday?...He didn't stop the war...any of them, He didn't stop the pain and suffering everywhere...we never got to live in peace and harmony forever...you could only do that when you die!...huh?..

anyway, before I even graduated from elementary school (catholic of course) I was already ditching church on Sunday mornings even though I got up early to get there and had no place else I could be at that hour...then I would spend that time making deals with...God...please don't let my neighbors tell my parents I was walking around the block for an hour instead of at your house praying and I'll be good...this week... I promise and can you just make time speed up a bit?... it's still only 9:05...after I got released...I mean graduated I slept in on Sundays cause no one was taking attendance at church anymore...like they lied and told us they were doing when I was supposed to be there...thought lying was a kind of a sin too!?...never mind God must have slept in a lot too cause I never got caught...the next I know is somewhere between grammar school and high school everybody must have stopped checking in on God...cause somehow He got lost!!...seems Him and Jesus His son (according to the church) must have gone and wondered off where nobody knew or could see them anymore...but it's ok cause it turns out a whole bunch of people were finding both of them everywhere...some folks even made up bumper stickers to tell everyone else...some of us didn't care much where they were...we just figured they were where they always were... EVERYWHERE like the church said...DUH!..as I got older people I knew and loved started dying...this is when I started hearing that the dead are in a better place...at rest now...finally at peace...

the next thing I knew people were saying they were reincarnated and talked about past life experiences and out of body travel and all sorts of near death experiences...with the drug culture becoming more the norm people were using slogans like "tune in turn on and drop out"...stop the war...make love not war...peace now...give peace a chance...these were the same people that were getting their heads bashed in by local police in every major city across the country...because all this peace and love talk somehow became UNAMERICAN !...hmmm...GOD BLESS AMERICA !...IN GOD WE TRUST...GOD apparently wants most of us dead or killing each other !!...SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE HUH?...HUH?...which God and country are we fighting for?...exactly!?...moving on to psychic friends and their "network"...there are "channels" and "tunnels" and light...bright glimmering/shimmering/beckoning/pushing away...whirling swirling...just like these thoughts in my head now here in print for you to read and try to make sense of...used to be I had an "imaginary friend"...and nobody was concerned even if they knew for sure because I told them about my "friend" but couldn't see them...depending on my age the form would change from human to animal...didn't matter to me I had a friend unconditionally...as I grew older I came to understand because the church told me there were supposed to be Guardian Angels and each of us had one sitting on our shoulder...cool huh?...as my teen years approached anyone who thought they saw people and animals or things that weren't there...were considered not to be "all there"...so how come everyone I grew up with started seeing these people who saw "people" and had "friends" only they could see?...and that is now considered "normal"...oh yeah, ANGELS ARE BACK for those of you who missed them...now everyone is seeing angels of sorts...showing them this and helping with that and guiding always somewhere else other than HERE...

see what my problem is yet?...so many different things I am SUPPOSED TO KNOW AS AN ADULT...there are no "imaginary friends"...no angels no GOD...after all, we created all of them...in our MINDS SO HOW CAN THEY BE REAL?...no matter what religion the instruction was always BE GOOD, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORS AND BE KIND TO EVERYONE...this is the KEY TO HAPPINESS AND ETERNAL LIFE...now as an adult growing up with all these MIXED MESSAGES...WHAT AM I TO REALLY BELIEVE IN?...I have been GOOD... mostly, I never killed anyone...I HELPED whoever, whenever I could...I tried to LOVE everyone as BEST I could for as long as I could...some people lose the ability to BE LOVED...sadly...as a PARENT I did the best I could FOR MY CHILD to keep him SAFE and PROTECTED him from harm and DEATH...I NEVER BEAT HIM...I always tried to understand his point of view even when it differed from my own...I LISTENED WHEN HE TALKED...I HEARD what he was SAYING...I UNDERSTOOD most of the time...He grew up so FAST...in so many ways...I knew his ANGER/FRUSTRATION and FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS...he SHARED THEM WITH ME...even when he said NOTHING...now I know he can't call anymore or write, he can't even drop in to say "hi dad, let's eat..now I hear it's because GOD NEEDED AN ANGEL...WELL, WHO THE FUCK TOLD HIM HE COULD TAKE MINE??...

is this the same GOD that is merciful benevolent and kind?... or is this the GOD that wants SUFFERING and MISERY SO WE CAN KNOW HIM BETTER????...and come to love Him?...this has only been one year that my Father is dead...guess he went ahead to pave the way for my Son...funny thing is...with both of them gone...I hear them speak to me sometimes....they come quietly and sometimes together...other times alone...when they speak I try to HEAR and LISTEN...not sure of the message all the time...is it because I want to BELIEVE?...NEED TO BELIEVE?..or DON'T BELIEVE?...are they really trying to tell me something or is it just all the things I have heard since I was able to speak and REASON...that are making me FEEL THEM?...could be I am just going CRAZY and this is how it happens for me...because I am the one who's Father and Son DIED 2 MONTHS AND 6 DAYS APART...and this is how I am "DEALING" with it...if you want to know how it all turns out...STAY TUNED...HOPE YOU WERE ABLE TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS...IN THE MEANTIME...

GRAB LIFE

FOR JASON

SO ANYWAY

Current mood: okay
Category: Life
SO ANYWAY, things happen/things change...

LIFE GOES ON...

people move in and out of your life in the blink of an eye it seems sometimes...if we are lucky, there remains a mark when they leave...a soft spot as they say, that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you think of someone you have been touched by...

family and friends can leave that mark relatively (no pun intended) easily...oddly (or maybe just to me) a coworker may leave the same kind of mark...there are times the workplace is such a hectic hotbed of activity people don’t have the time to get to know each other past a good morning in most cases...everyone is seemingly busy, busy, busy...or are we the ones that are too busy to notice others?...

after many years of many jobs I have been fortunate enough to have a few people impact my life to achieve the warm and fuzzy from time to time...names and places aren’t important it’s the memory of their face as they make that unforgettable impression on your heart...and in your head...a word or phrase or different outlook on a situation...timing is everything...you may not realize the person you spoke to this morning has said or done something you will carry with you the rest of your days...

they come from all walks of life from all over the globe...just to stay in your head and make you smile every time you think of them...take a moment and stop to think of the people you have passed today and still remember they got your attention...who were they and what made you notice them?...they are people you might think have happy and carefree lives...every waking moment a song waiting to be sung...you can picture them dancing through life and always smiling and happy...upbeat and perky as well...

while your smiling and feeling warm thinking of such people with such joy and zeal for life...imagine how they got that way...upbringing?...a plan for living that the rest of us know nothing about which adds to whatever makes us feel miserable a good deal of the time?...philosophy...faith...challenged mentally?...what is behind the exuberance and enthusiasm for living?...has this person ever known personal devastating tragedy a day in their life?...not possible, look how happy they are...sometimes the answer is...

YES...

THEY HAVE...

MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW...

I have met people who have suffered the most horrific tragedies and still have the ability to smile and treat each day as a gift...Holocaust Survivors...and non historical types of tragedies...murder/suicides/drug overdose...in my case things are bit more intense in terms of how I experience the pain, since for me it is FIRSTHAND...no emotional detachment or disconnect because it is someone else’s experience being told to me for the first or tenth time...this is my own...it is Jason...

Jason died, WITHOUT WARNING or EXPECTATION ...

SUDDENLY...FOR NO GOOD REASON...

JASON DIED...

yeah, I FEEL IT, THAT HARD MOST OF THE TIME...

NOT EVERYONE KNOWS THE DEPTH OF MY PAIN

ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN IT and FELT it as I have felt it...

as bad you think it can be, it is certainly far worse than you can ever imagine...it is not an experience you would wish for believe me...

I am seemingly better these days than I have been in the past...looking forward to a future where I can be HAPPY...

WITH ALL THAT HAS GONE BEFORE... THESE PAST 15 MONTHS HAVE BEEN INTENSELY INTERESTING TO SAY THE LEAST...

while there is a good deal of it I feel I could have done without...something has been happening in me that makes me want to stick around and see what else might be in store...for myself and others in the future that lies ahead...for all of us...my new and ever extending family is in for some amazing times ahead...with any luck they will be for the most part HAPPIER times...there will always be some good and bad in a certain mix of some kind no matter what...but that’s how life works with or without our approval...

I will continue as close as I can to how I would be if it weren’t for the recent changes...

the sometimes spontaneous/quiet/wacky/reserved/happy go lucky/standoffish/quirky guy at work...that might just be remembered warmly by a coworker in the future...the people who have been harshly touched by life I have been privileged to know...they are the ones who inspire me to move forward every single day...sometimes I get the privilege of telling them that they made a difference in my life...it is not a prerequisite to have suffered a horrendous loss for someone to have an effect on me or my life...sometimes it just works out that way...

lately I have been meeting people that have no idea how my life has been FOREVER ALTERED...they have not had a personal tragedy impact them or their lives...but they have made that mark in my heart and in my head that will make me feel that warm and fuzzy when I think of them and the conversations or funny moments we have shared...no matter which way the encounter turns, whether I share with them or not the events of the past 15 months I still make a point of thanking them for the time together or telling them I feel good about having shared the moment with them...sometimes people don’t need to know why you appreciate them...it’s nice enough to just let them know you do...let them wonder...

THIS IS ME...

Saturday, July 21, 2007

THIS IS ME...

Current mood: contemplative

Category: Life

I've landed in a place I don't belong, something's wrong...is that how you felt on Friday night May 26, 2006 at about 8:30 PM Jason?...it's pretty much the way I have been feeling every single day since that night...lately I feel things continuing to shift a bit...mentally/emotionally/physically...I feel like there is a physical rearranging going on inside me sometimes...in my heart/head like adjustments are being made that I actually feel...the thought that comes right in behind the feeling is always something to do with you being DEAD...

sometimes it is just a warm memory of you...am I accepting instead of resisting the fact that YOU DIED JASON?...is my mind trying to keep itself from collapsing by making me conjure up images of you being at peace and finding some form of happiness in being DEAD?...do I really believe you are either sad when I feel the PAIN/HURT/ANGER/RAGE and happy when I am in better spirits for longer periods of time?...is it real or imagined the sense that you are right beside me or even inside me as I drive from point A to point B...and am I really doing the driving?...some days I get to where I am going and don't remember half the trip there...

THINKING OF YOU AS I DRIVE...

I have landed obviously on the other side of your SUDDEN AVOIDABLE SENSELESS DEATH...more than a year now...but with all the new feelings that sit beside the older feelings since your CRASH I wonder more if it is possible you not only exist in my heart/head/memories of you...but on another plain or dimension...sometimes the sense of your presence is so strong I can really feel like you are still alive and tangible...your touch/smell/voice/laugh all seem to come into focus loud and clear...

HEAVEN/HELL OR THE TWILIGHT ZONE...seems like I am walking between the three of them sometimes...I feel as though from the moment I heard you were KILLED IN A CAR CRASH I passed through a doorway and into a whole other world...reality is somewhat turned around...some things don't seem real at all...it takes a few moments longer for my brain to translate what is being said to me as if I don't even understand English anymore...it's still my one and only language so you can imagine how strange this is for me...

I also noticed that I can start a conversation and stop about two sentences in because I can't get the words in my head to come out of my mouth....sometimes an entire conversation takes place between me & the person I mean to talk to but I don't have the ability to open my mouth to speak out loud...this I still find very strange and yet very interesting as an experience that comes and goes...this part is even stranger to me...some days I feel like I am just doing a ZOMBIE WALK through my day the sadness is that overwhelming...what does it all mean?...

I have no idea...all I know Jason, is that since you DIED... I am not the same person I was before...something has definitely changed me for all time...

no matter where u go u r what u r...

this is me...

woke up this morning @ 4 am thinking....

DEAD...DEAD IS DEAD...HE, JASON IS DEAD...HE IS DEAD JASON...JASON IS DEAD...DEAD DEAD DEAD...MY SON IS DEAD...MY JASON IS DEAD...

after 2 hrs of fading in & out and only having this in my head the whole time... I decided staying in bed is not a good idea...

weekends lately have been proving similar to this...4 days off and of waking to the reality of my 22 year old son dead from a car crash is no doubt becoming so very much a part of my everyday...

I know he is dead...I am feeling some changes about how I feel when I think about it...sometimes I can't think of anything else...other times it seems as though I can feel a change in me happening but where it is leading I haven't got a clue...

all I know is lately all I can feel is the reality that my everyday dreams are other people's nightmares...

and yet I wonder how I remain sane with this thought running around in my head a great deal of the time...

or am I?

There Is No Prosthetic For A Human Life

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Current mood: contemplative

Category: Life

Jason,

I know you know how I feel right about now and that I wish this wasn’t happening.

One year ago I started with those very words for my first time on myspace. One year later I STILL WISH it weren’t happening...but it is. No amount of wishing hoping thinking and dreaming have been able to change the one simple fact: You and Chris are DEAD...

YEAH, it kinda just hits you in the chest and stomach then sort of just sits there...

A PAIN IN YOUR HEART LIKE A HOLE IS BEING TORN OPEN IN IT...ONLY YOU CAN FEEL EVERY BIT OF IT AS IT TEARS...

Graphic huh?...It’s what I FEEL and LIVE with EVERY DAY...but anyway, I may not know the why you HAD TO DIE AT 22, but I do know that now I have a whole new family to LOVE and SUPPORT me through all this SHIT...

it begins quite naturally with our family and blends into Jeanie’s family along with Francois & Dee as well as the rest of your friends...

Each new day brings it’s own luggage, sometimes it’s fond memories of you growing up that now make me smile more than cry...sometimes someone is PICKING at the fresh scab on my heart...birthdays/anniversaries/growing families/new families being forged all make for an eventful year without you...the EMPTINESS I feel every day is the without you part of all these events...without you NOTHING is the SAME...NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR WHERE I GO WITHOUT YOU NOTHING IS THE SAME...

no matter where u go u r what u r...

that is the answer I get in my heart and in my head when ever I question if I might have shared too much of myself with you...I wonder did I share too many secrets?...

lessons of life/loss/illness/DEATH?...relationships/friendships grown up or otherwise...were they too soon in coming to one so young?...it always comes back a resounding "NO!" in your voice...without all the honesty and showing of emotion from both of us about what we were feeling about whatever the topic...you would not have become the man you were...I have only two regrets about my being in your life...

1.NOT BEING ABLE TO PREVENT YOUR DEATH...

2.NOT HAVING MORE TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER WITH YOU...

However this happened, whoever is responsible or whatever may pass for JUSTICE...does not matter because you will...

ALWAYS BE DEAD

nothing can fix that...these days if you lose an arm/leg or breast you can always get replacement parts...sadly even in the twenty first century...

THERE IS NO PROSTETHIC TO REPLACE YOU JASON...

I LOVE YOU

dad

Christmas Without Jason 3.0

Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Without Jason 3.0...

Current mood: grumpy

Category: Life

Christmas times 3 and each one without Jason because he is DEAD...

Look, I am much better this year than I was last year. I guess I must be finally

GETTING OVER IT !!!

Perhaps it's the year of pills that are "supposed to help" me sleep or maybe it's 4 months of anti-anxiety medication that stopped me completely from being able to cry.

Odd though, how I still managed to wake up this morning very angry and still hurting knowing full well this year is no different than last year because Jason is DEAD. Must be stopping all the meds for a full month. Yeah that's it, no meds!!

But hey kids, LIFE GOES ON AND APPARENTLY SO DOES CHRISTMAS, THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR !

If this is so then why was I crying in the shower this morning and wanting to scream out to whoever could hear me "which one of you fucking cocksuckers is responsible for Jason being killed?"

"Is it you Jason, that is responsible for your own death? or is it you God if you really do exist and have your own FUCKING PLAN FOR US ALL? and do you really not have to explain it to anyone? or was it the road conditions? the drivers of the other cars on the road or the driver of the car you were in Jason? which happened to be yours though you were NOT DRIVING IT THAT NIGHT...does or will the answer ever matter?

HONESTLY, NO THE ANSWER TO who is responsible DOES NOT MATTER BECAUSE IT CANNOT AND WILL NOT CHANGE THE OUTCOME. I am doing my best which, as you can see dear reader, isn't very good, to feel something RESEMBLING HAPINESS.

Lately I have been once again feeling some cogs clicking into place, things shifting and emotions lessening in intensity. I view it as part of a healing process of sorts because I don't think recovery is part of this little life package I had assigned to me. Sorry pal, no returns exchanges or refunds...you are stuck with it. I have been "feeling" Jason and my father making some form of contact with me. It feels good and makes me smile more.

Thanks Jay/Pop

I feel more aware that 3 lives continue to be connected and will always remain that way. It makes sense to me because not only were Jason and Chris killed, Ray was also greatly impacted to a lesser extent naturally, but still affected.

One crash and 3 lives intertwined forever.

I feel for each of them and for us who remain to mourn and remember with pain and sadness some of the best times that touched our lives were because of the mere fact they were a living part of our lives. I do not know what dead is like for those who are, but I do know that for some of us it is a Living Death to have to feel this pain from it. I do not know what it is to survive a crash in which 2 of my friends were killed. I hope never to learn that feeling.

I also know I am trying very hard to NOT become a bitter angry man because Jason was killed. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to succeed in this endeavor.

This used to be a naturally magical time of year for me. I would feel warm and happy at the thought of Christmas not from a commercial or religious viewpoint, but from my heart and soul. Now when I hear some of the songs of the season I get sad. I can't explain or even say which ones but I do know why.

You do too.

I want to start feeling better and for some things I have been, I feel the difference. I just wish it would show more. Sometimes I have more compassion and understanding for others and other times I wish every fucking body else would have it for me. Some days STILL HURT MORE THAN OTHERS.

I know this seems to be a bit all over the place but that's where I am at right now so JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. I WILL ALWAYS BE A WORK IN PROGRESS...

THIS IS ME

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE !!!

MEMORIAL DAY PAST/ PRESENT...FUTURE?...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

MEMORIAL DAY PAST/ PRESENT...FUTURE?...

Current mood: restless

Category: Life

..> ..> ..>..>

As a kid growing up in Brooklyn, I can remember going across the street and "around the corner" to the V.F.W. Post...VFW stands for Veteran's of Foreign Wars for you young people out there...you see my Dad was a Veteran...WWII...as we now call it...BIG DEAL!!... you say?...yeah, it is

STILL...I am not gonna bore you with a history lesson or talk about all the sweeping social changes that shaped where we are today because of that war...

the point of the VFW being a big part of my formative years is important only in that we used to go watch band practice on their front lawn...both my brother and sister were in the band...this instilled a sense of pride...and yeah, being a kid...boredom...anyway, we would also be spectators in our version of the something people have learned to forget as I grew older...we call the Memorial Day Parade...it was a BIG DEAL to my family because it gave us a way of saying THANK YOU... to the people who DIED so the rest of us can live in a free society...and COMPLAIN about how FUCKED UP THIS COUNTRY IS...

but I digress...NOW it is just the date that marks the beginning of summer and is looked forward to as bbq kickoff time and time to...PARTY PARTY PARTY...yippie!!!...nothing but blue skies clear sailing and SUMMER FUN...tell you what, you go on ahead and maybe I'll catch up to ya...PROBABLY NOT!!!...

DON'T LET ME STOP YOU FROM ENJOYING THIS TIME OF YEAR...I CAN'T!!...this time MEMORIAL DAY... IS PERSONAL...

I AM NOT SAYING NOBODY CAN HAVE FUN ANYMORE...I AM SAYING... FOR ME...IT IS DIFFERENT...CHANGED...FUCKING SAD...PICK ONE OF THE ABOVE...

IF MY LIFE NOW WERE THE ONLY EXAMPLE OF HOW LIFE IS I WOULD NOT BLAME ANYONE THAT DID NOT WANT TO LIVE IT THIS WAY...BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE MY LIFE...BECAUSE FOR ME... THE ALTERNATIVE IS NOT AN OPTION...AND I WOULD HOPE NOT FOR YOU EITHER...

I wonder how anyone could see the sudden DEATH that is their future and the PAIN AND ANGUISH OF THOSE AROUND THEM WHO THEY LOVED AND WERE LOVED BY...AND SAY "OK, I'LL LIVE THAT LIFE AND HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO EVERYONE I EVER LOVED OR KNEW"...THERE GOES THAT QUESTION AGAIN...GOD/HEAVEN/HELL??...really real???...or is THIS IT???...

I think...mostly...considering how strong the life force is in some of us this energy has to go somewhere...

NO MATTER HOW SUDDEN THE DEATH IS...or SENSELESS...

YEAH, I AM STILL ANGRY THAT JASON AND CHRIS ARE DEAD...mostly, I try and succeed impressively well to the outside world to reign in MY RAGE AND ANGER...this week my job is "celebrating" EMS WEEK...it is a time to acknowledge the help and healing hurt and suffering and the loss of LIFE...

some of them members...who have died in the line of duty or under unexplained circumstances...it is a nationwide week of RECOGNITION to the people who perform the most DIFFICULT AND HEARTBREAKING kind of work...SAVING LIVES...ONE CALL AT A TIME...

I used to help with preparing the stations for "company" be it Chiefs of the EMS/FDNY command or just "Joe Public" citizen...this year I am spending a good part of my day...AVOIDING interacting with co-workers...AVOIDING conversations about meritorious service...AVOIDING laughing at the humor in the midst of TRAGEDY stories...

AVOIDING AND CRYING...AT WORK, WITH MY CO-WORKERS CLOSE BY...SOME AWARE OTHERS TOTALLY UN...either way it doesn't matter...I DON'T NEED TO BE NOTICED...I ALSO DON'T NEED TO HIDE WHAT I AM FEELING FROM ANYONE...

none of it makes a difference because none of it will change things that already are...Jason is DEAD...Chris is too...no matter how old I get or how much time passes...I STILL HAVE TO "UNDERSTAND" OR TRY ANYWAY...THAT THEY WILL REMAIN DEAD...AS FAR AS I CAN TELL RIGHT NOW...I can hear it now, someone reading this and saying "God is making it so they live on in a way we can't see or realize because we are too stupid to understand the mind of GOD or his WILL for us"...

my answer to that is as follows: IN MY WORLD I'M GOD !!!...the mystery of life is what we think it is...after all, we created God in our own image...so with that, we can make it anything we want...

people come and go in our lives and so far, nobody has been able to explain the why...everything happens for a reason...but they can never give you the good one...coincidence or messages from beyond...reply hazy try again later...as the magic 8 ball would say if you shook it right...maybe that's what life is after all...the magic 8 ball...you just have to shake it right...or maybe it's just hazy...

THANK YOU JASON, FOR SHARING THE RIDE...

Monday, April 30, 2007

THANK YOU JASON, FOR SHARING THE RIDE...

It was nice the way you tagged along to take the ride in to work with me this morning. Dreaming of you was so different and calming and...peaceful...the feeling is still with me now...who was directing traffic?...never mind...you know what I mean...you always did...better than I expected lately...preview of better things ahead?...

as much as I feel we are torn APART...sometimes I feel we are still so TOGETHER...for that I am HAPPY...even when it HURTS...25 days from now marks 1 FULL YEAR WITHOUT YOU...sometimes it feels so fresh... like it’s still happening now...other times it’s amazing that it has been this long...THAT YOU ARE DEAD...yeah, I still have to remind myself because it still does not feel REAL sometimes...even saying it out loud doesn’t make it real for me most of the time...

the dream state I feel like I am in today is the way it feels when I remind myself that you are DEAD...it’s like there is no substance to the outside world...afloat/foggy/dreamlike sense of reality...like being fully conscious inside a dream...weird shit huh?..."FOR REAL"...kinda like the movie Dreamscape we used to watch...funny thing about my situation is, the people who never really spoke to me before don’t know how or what to say to me NOW...which is fine, because I feel like if we weren’t talking before what’s the point now?...yet having said that, I still want people to at least try to have a conversation with me...just talk to me and see what happens...if I talk back we are both ahead of the game and it could be nice...If I don’t respond I am just not able to verbalize in that 1 moment...IT DOESN’T MEAN DON’T TRY !!...

SADLY, there is no rule book that works for everyone...no set of directions that make everything better...RELIGION can’t even come up with a foolproof instruction manual on how to deal with grieving parents and they been at it for centuries !!!...the REALITY IS THERE IS MORE GOING ON THAN JUST GRIEVING...even the word sounds like this will pass...like a kidney stone...we are not headed somewhere...WE ARE LOST IN THE NOW SOMETIMES...we appear to be able to function and talk like a "regular" person...but we ARE DIFFERENT NOW AND ALWAYS WILL BE...we sit we eat...some...we talk a bit more as time passes...laugh and smile are still in our facial functions...

BUT somewhere deep down inside...or not so deep...there is a burst of TREMENDOUS and sometimes OVERWHELMING SADNESS THAT HITS LIKE A TSUNAMI...MOST of the time it is kind of like a beach where the water meets the shore line...lap lap lapping away inside...quietly a good deal of the time building to an all encompassing all engulfing TIDAL WAVE THAT CONSUMES EVERYTHING in it’s path...so as you might have guessed by now dear reader, or just JASON, I have come to APPRECIATE THE PEACEFUL STILLNESS inside me when it comes...different types of dreams these past couple of days...but the sense of you with me...CALMING...NICE...

THANK YOU JASON

AS ALWAYS

I LOVE YOU

I MISS YOU

dad

I can see you listening but can you HEAR me?

So it's been a week to say the least...the last 4 years for me it's like...haven't they ALL been?...

the routine: wake up get showered/dressed out the door...drive in...the mind starts wandering to help the trip go smoother...

thoughts of:

last night/ the weekend before/ the weekend coming/the kid is dead/what time will the deli open today?/have my phone/video viewing equipment for the day ahead/the kid is dead/enough gas & cash/ exact change for the breakfast and lunch/am I going too fast or too slow?/check your speed...

THE KID IS DEAD !/ I KNOW !...oh, you mean Jason, my son...he's dead...right?...noyes...NO !...YES !!

WOW ! so it's true ?YES...for real this is not a dream or story or something?NO !...

you mean this isn't someone else we are talking about? or somebody else's life...this really happened...Jason is dead really and I am the grieving/bereaved parent here, huh ?...yes...sorry, but it's true...this is your/my life now...

the words/thoughts/answers can feel that close that they are on top of each other or following that close behind each other...it's the way my mind works some of the time these days...I tend to form multiple one words when my thoughts turn to this particular subject... it only reinforces how unreal and dreamlike (hopeful thought) this feels to me...ok, focus on the drive,/ watch the speed /turns /other cars on the road...I got this, I'm good...not speeding nobody around me good enough distance between me & the others and still in the correct lane...it's all good...EXCEPT...

the trip in wasn't bad today...EXCEPT...

At work I can manage to put it ASIDE...NOT BEHIND ME...the things that need doing get done my focus shifts to the job at hand...work, work, work.

I can do this, keep the flow follow the routine think about other stuff...funny stuff...silly stuff including the people I work with/around...share stories/laughs/ thoughts/frustrations of the everyday...somewhere along the way someone is trying to "help" so they suggest a "new" method of scrubbing a toilet/cleaning a sink/ mopping a floor/emptying a garbage pail..."JUST TRYING TO HELP"...UHUH...in 21 years the methods tactics and logistics of doing these things has not changed that drastically that YOUR WAY is the BEST way for ME to get the job done...we all have our own style pace and routine that we are comfortable with...I clean better than some and not as good as others...or YOU...I don't go around telling you how to do YOUR job...DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO DO MINE...you want to BELIEVE I am doing it WRONG keep it to yourself when you see I am NOT adopting YOUR way of doing it...that's what I do after I make 1 suggestion of doing something a DIFFERENT way and am rebuffed or IGNORED...I RESPECT that YOU are DIFFERENT from ME...and do not BELIEVE my way of doing something is correct FOR YOU...

most days aren't so bad or bad...as long as you realize there's just...NO DAYS...that are going to go by and you are NOT reminded or remember in even a passing thought that YOUR CHILD IS DEAD and YOU are NOT...and this is all TOO REAL...

in the last four years I have had DIFFERENT PEOPLE that I know love and RESPECT make some sort of effort to change my mood/attitude or comfort and console me into feeling differently about my life and Jason's death...some are family some are friends...ALL of them know me well enough (I HAD hoped) to NOT give me a bunch of warm and fuzzy philosophies and platitudes that are meant to make me see things differently...

I KNOW/ REALIZE and SEE that we all deal with life and death...DIFFERENTLY...

I ALSO RESPECT THAT NOT EVERYONE believes what I BELIVE or thinks what I THINK AND I DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEM...

It is NOT my place to go on a mission or tirade or whatever the HELL it is that is motivating them to try and CHANGE ME and what I BELIEVE...

I UNDERSTAND YOUR INTENTIONS ARE GOOD AND WELL MEANING...BUT THEY ARE NOT HELPING ME !!!...

UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT THAT AND ME !!!...AS I DO YOU...GOD DAMN IT !!!...

I don't NEED/WANT forwards/emails with angels in them or words that god wants me to hear/read that someone else who BELIEVES WHAT YOU BELIEVE sent to YOU and gave YOU comfort and warm feelings of joy, peace and love...

if you WANT to me feel warm give ME a hug or a blanket...

if you WANT me to feel peace SHARE a quiet moment WITH ME...

if you want me to feel loved...TOUCH ME WITH YOUR HEART OR YOUR HANDS...

WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND WE ALL THINK/BELIEVE DIFFERENT THINGS...

I can't PROVE there is no god...

YOU can't PROVE there IS...

I can't PROVE we ARE some science experiment of space aliens gone haywire...

YOU can't we PROVE we AREN'T...

I DON'T TRY TO CHANGE YOUR BELIEF IN GOD...

DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MINE...

RESPECT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME...

I DO...

WHY CAN'T YOU?...

I don't watch the news or current events/ reality shows like I used to...

this week a guy in line @ a fast food chain saw my FDNY patch and wanted to tell me about a crash involving an ambulance he was at as a volunteer EMS person...I flipped out but kept it civil as I said I didn't want to hear about it as I have heard about one too many crashes IN MY LIFE as I held up Jason's photo that hangs around my neck every day...he apologized and I said to forget it as he had no way of knowing...but I saw & felt his body language indicating he wanted to continue telling me this seemingly fascinating story that I would surely be interested in...he FINALLY acknowledged MINE that said NO I DON'T want to discuss it...I was rattled to say the least the whole rest of the day...the next day I walked into the garage and saw the smashed in ambulance that the mcidiot was trying to tell me about...

I posted my feelings on facebook and wound up getting several emails and comments from the "well meaning" and yet misguided people in my life who are "praying for me"...

on some level I really DO APPRECIATE the thoughts/prayers idea of what they are saying...that they love and care about me...BUT...

INSTEAD of HELPING it seems to IRRITATE me MORE...

their choice of words only comfort THEM and brings THEM peace and solace...NOT ME !

AND SO IT GOES...

I work for FDNY/EMS ...BUT that doesn't mean I want to sit around talking about EVERY FATAL OR NEAR FATAL episode in history...

YOU CAN...

I DON'T GO TO CHURCH OR PRAY...

YOU CAN...

trying to help me see my way to god and heaven...

YOU CAN'T...

STOP TRYING...

RESPECT MY FEELINGS DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THEM...