ANGER/ RAGE/ SADNESS/ LONELINESS/ EMPTINESS/ TEARS/ DEPRESSION/ HELPLESSNESS/ HOPELESSNESS/ GUILT/ DEFENSIVE/ COMBATIVE/ DISCONNECTED/ DISPLACED/ OUT OF CONTROL/ OUT OF OUR MINDS...
AH YES, THE HOLIDAYS ARE TOO SOON UPON US...AND SO IS OUR GRIEF...THAT REMAINS NO MATTER THE SEASON
misunderstood by friends and family...they have NO CLUE what we need or want to help us through these difficult days...even if it is only June and the holidays are nowhere in sight...first or fortieth the general consensus is..."IT" doesn't get "better" "IT" gets different and so do WE...if there are any comparisons to be made from MY experience...first IS probably the worst...
WE don't know what to expect of ourselves and each other as friends and family gather near...anticipating the first everything without OUR CHILD is mind blowing...the gift giving/getting/ table settings the empty hollow disembodied floating feeling of "getting through" the day...hoping to NOT have a meltdown and yet wondering who will be the first to offer support in the way YOU want/need it...who will mention their name and what will it bring to the gathering ?...will it set the tone for the rest of the day ?...will everyone ELSE be scared of MY reaction...who gives a shit !?!
OUR CHILD/OUR FEELINGS/OUR ABILITY TO "DEAL"...NOT THEIRS...
we may not be able to "share with the group" among family and friends...so we come here...I would hope that EVERYONE feels comfortable enough to UNLOAD/ DUMP or just plain EXPRESS EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEEL HERE...
IF WE WANTED RELIGION WE'D BE IN CHURCH /IF WE WANTED WARM AND FUZZY POLLYANNA BULLSHIT WE'D KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THOSE IN OUR LIVES WHO ALWAYS HAVE JUST THE RIGHT PLATITUDE FOR OUR ATTITUDE...BUT WE ARE NOT...
WE seek answers or just LISTENERS ELSEWHERE...it's OUR GRIEF...mediums may have something to offer but we should always exercise caution that they are not just telling us what we want to hear...we had a friend visit for a few hours after a few months and she didn't know a thing about us...but she sure hit on quite a bit that didn't feel like parlor tricks...she didn't ask for money and we haven't seen her in years...but yeah...THAT HELPED...the how and why we do what we do that gives us comfort may throw others into a tizzy...but what comforts THEM has a way of doing the same to ME...
MY anger kicks in when they continue to TRY and MAKE ME see their way is the right way and MY way is a highway to HELL…what THEY DON'T see is that when YOUR CHILD DIES...YOU'RE ALREADY IN HELL MOST OF THE TIME...IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER...PROBLEM IS AFTER ALL WE HAVE LEARNED AND ALL WE KNOW...NOBODY KNOWS IF THERE IS A "RIGHT" ANSWER...
I CANNOT BELIEVE IN YOUR "GOD"...FOR ME THE CONTRADICTIONS AND HYPOCRISY OF THOSE WHO TRY TO GOVERN OUR BEHAVIOR BY FEAR AND INTIMIDATION ARE JUST TOO REPULSIVE FOR WORDS...
as my mother was taken ill on a cruise and flown to the Dominican Republic as it had the nearest "hospital" which, in the end felt more like a place to hold elderly travelers with no understanding of choice HOSTAGE for a ransom payoff before releasing her to fly "home" to the USA... I had the unpleasant task of booking an emergency flight arriving in the middle of the night in a foreign land where communication was near impossible...for 10 days I felt VERY MUCH ALONE...A STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND TO BE SURE...ISOLATED/ FRUSTRATED AND OVERWHELMED BY A LACK OF BASIC UNDERSTANDING...after much scrambling and negotiating and finally communication that $17k American had indeed been received by the "hospital" they agreed to release her for a trip to the nearest AMERICAN hospital in Florida...
WE ARRIVED IN FLORIDA ON THE 6TH ANNIVERSARY OF JASON'S DEATH...arriving at my new hotel room I quickly collapsed and slept the night away...I awoke the next morning and as I was just about done readying for the long day(s) ahead my phone rang...it was my Beloved wife Michelle...she asked about mom and our flight and how I slept then asked if I'd like to have breakfast with her...I laughed and said it would be great...but we would have to be in the same state at the very least...she then informed me that she was in the lobby of my hotel...
I WAS STUNNED...and when I opened the door and saw her standing there it was like a dream come true...we hugged for a time and then...I COLLAPSED ON THE BED IN TEARS...
I CRIED...I SOBBED...I WAILED...EVERYTHING I WAS FEELING FOR 10 DAYS CAME POURING OUT OF ME...ANGER/FRUSTRATION/SADNESS/LONELINESS/ AND DESPERATION...FLOODING OUT OF ME...
SHE STAYED UNTIL THE NEXT AFTERNOON AND THEN WAS OFF AGAIN...LIFE...WAS CONTINUING FOR REST OF THE WORLD AND SHE NEEDED TO BE IN IT...
just before her flight my cousin and his partner arrived to see my mom for what would be the last time for them alive...his mother was left behind on the cruise ship and had to finish the voyage they began for her birthday alone...
the next day they too had to leave...that afternoon my brother and sister arrived and also stayed for 2 days...it was GREAT to see family again and spend time in the hospital NO LONGER ALONE...but once again I was soon left ALONE to make decisions and deal with the isolation and loneliness of being left behind while everyone else was FREE to GO...fortunately a DEAR FRIEND was living an hour away and came for lunch and the next day her and her husband took me to dinner...it was a VERY WELCOME BREAK from the nightmare (for me) that was DR ...
THEN CAME THURSDAY...AND THE PHONE CALL...I was heading to the hospital when the phone rang and it was a hospital staff member saying the attending physician wanted to see me for a chat...this was it I knew it...FINALLY...
10 days in DR and now 10 days in Florida her getting better/getting worse was about to come and end...but NOT without a few more insults to injury...after our meeting and a few more calls to my brother Luis and Michelle I signed the DNR that my mother requested in her living will that we could not produce to substantiate her wishes...hospice was notified and staff member dispatched to walk me through the process and hold my hand while we waited...
shortly before the end of things another hospital staff member walked in and started fussing with some equipment and was followed by another staff member who asked if I wanted a priest...my response was clear and direct..."NOT FOR ME…FOR HER, YES PLEASE."...it was then the fiddling staffer turned to me and said "you should read the bible cover to cover...it would a great help and comfort"...to which I replied "perhaps one day I will...but NOT TODAY"...she then went on and on about how beneficial SHE found it to be such and was certain I would be pleasantly surprised...I told her I NO LONGER WISHED TO DISCUSS IT and she was suddenly "finished" with her duties whatever they were and left...shortly thereafter, I was texting back to a childhood friend as death seemed imminent and she too instructed me to "get down on your knees and beg god for forgiveness and her life"...she later apologized as it was her knee-jerk reaction...
now ANGER AND RAGE took over from my earlier feelings of desperate solitude/despair and abandonment...NO MATTER THE EFFORTS OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE...I took a few deep breaths and then a few more...walked around the floor outside her room and then...took care of the last remaining bits of hospital business that was the end of my mother's life....the ordeal for her was almost an entire month long...for me it was 22 days of HELL...
22 DAYS...SEEMINGLY 1 DAY FOR EVERY YEAR OF JASON'S LIFE...AND THAT IS HOW I WILL ALWAYS VIEW MY MOTHER'S DEATH....
THERE WERE NO TRUMPETS/ANGELS/BRIGHT LIGHTS OR BOOMING VOICES "TO CALL HER HOME"...
JUST HER AND I…AND THEN HER BREATHING JUST STOPPED…APPROXIMATELY 2 1/r HOURS AFTER "PULLING THE PLUG"…
67 DAYS BETWEEN FATHER AND SON DYING…6 YEARS LATER 22 DAYS OF THE ROLLER-COASTER RIDE FROM HELL RETURNS
ALL I AM LEFT WITH IS THE FEELING THAT I AM NOW "ALL GROWN UP" AS I NOW HAVE NO PARENTS TO TURN TO OR DISAPPOINT...OR MAKE FEEL PROUD WITH WHATEVER I WILL DO IN FUTURE THAT IS GOOD...
I NOW RAGE IN MY SLEEP AT ALLTHE HURTS EVER INFLICTED ON ME SINCE EARLY CHILDHOOD...BOTH REAL AND IMAGINED (I COULD BE WRONG ABOUT SOME OF IT) I LASH OUT WITH GREAT FURIOUS RAGE AT MY TORMENTORS...MY PAST STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY...WHILE MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN A HORROR-SHOW THE EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL SCARS OPEN EVERY NOW AGAIN AND I "BLEED" IN MY SLEEP APPARENTLY...EVEN AT THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF SLIGHTS...I GUESS IT'S THE HOW I'M LEFT TO FEEL OR THE SEEING WITH A CHILD'S EYE...THE ADULT CAN'T REST...IT'S NOT EASY BEING ME...BUT I TELL PEOPLE I'M "FINE"...IT'S EASIER THAN EXPLAINING...
IT HAS BEEN ONE HELL OF A YEAR...AND I'M STILL HERE...
AND SO IT GOES...
AH YES, THE HOLIDAYS ARE TOO SOON UPON US...AND SO IS OUR GRIEF...THAT REMAINS NO MATTER THE SEASON
misunderstood by friends and family...they have NO CLUE what we need or want to help us through these difficult days...even if it is only June and the holidays are nowhere in sight...first or fortieth the general consensus is..."IT" doesn't get "better" "IT" gets different and so do WE...if there are any comparisons to be made from MY experience...first IS probably the worst...
WE don't know what to expect of ourselves and each other as friends and family gather near...anticipating the first everything without OUR CHILD is mind blowing...the gift giving/getting/ table settings the empty hollow disembodied floating feeling of "getting through" the day...hoping to NOT have a meltdown and yet wondering who will be the first to offer support in the way YOU want/need it...who will mention their name and what will it bring to the gathering ?...will it set the tone for the rest of the day ?...will everyone ELSE be scared of MY reaction...who gives a shit !?!
OUR CHILD/OUR FEELINGS/OUR ABILITY TO "DEAL"...NOT THEIRS...
we may not be able to "share with the group" among family and friends...so we come here...I would hope that EVERYONE feels comfortable enough to UNLOAD/ DUMP or just plain EXPRESS EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEEL HERE...
IF WE WANTED RELIGION WE'D BE IN CHURCH /IF WE WANTED WARM AND FUZZY POLLYANNA BULLSHIT WE'D KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THOSE IN OUR LIVES WHO ALWAYS HAVE JUST THE RIGHT PLATITUDE FOR OUR ATTITUDE...BUT WE ARE NOT...
WE seek answers or just LISTENERS ELSEWHERE...it's OUR GRIEF...mediums may have something to offer but we should always exercise caution that they are not just telling us what we want to hear...we had a friend visit for a few hours after a few months and she didn't know a thing about us...but she sure hit on quite a bit that didn't feel like parlor tricks...she didn't ask for money and we haven't seen her in years...but yeah...THAT HELPED...the how and why we do what we do that gives us comfort may throw others into a tizzy...but what comforts THEM has a way of doing the same to ME...
MY anger kicks in when they continue to TRY and MAKE ME see their way is the right way and MY way is a highway to HELL…what THEY DON'T see is that when YOUR CHILD DIES...YOU'RE ALREADY IN HELL MOST OF THE TIME...IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER...PROBLEM IS AFTER ALL WE HAVE LEARNED AND ALL WE KNOW...NOBODY KNOWS IF THERE IS A "RIGHT" ANSWER...
I CANNOT BELIEVE IN YOUR "GOD"...FOR ME THE CONTRADICTIONS AND HYPOCRISY OF THOSE WHO TRY TO GOVERN OUR BEHAVIOR BY FEAR AND INTIMIDATION ARE JUST TOO REPULSIVE FOR WORDS...
as my mother was taken ill on a cruise and flown to the Dominican Republic as it had the nearest "hospital" which, in the end felt more like a place to hold elderly travelers with no understanding of choice HOSTAGE for a ransom payoff before releasing her to fly "home" to the USA... I had the unpleasant task of booking an emergency flight arriving in the middle of the night in a foreign land where communication was near impossible...for 10 days I felt VERY MUCH ALONE...A STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND TO BE SURE...ISOLATED/ FRUSTRATED AND OVERWHELMED BY A LACK OF BASIC UNDERSTANDING...after much scrambling and negotiating and finally communication that $17k American had indeed been received by the "hospital" they agreed to release her for a trip to the nearest AMERICAN hospital in Florida...
WE ARRIVED IN FLORIDA ON THE 6TH ANNIVERSARY OF JASON'S DEATH...arriving at my new hotel room I quickly collapsed and slept the night away...I awoke the next morning and as I was just about done readying for the long day(s) ahead my phone rang...it was my Beloved wife Michelle...she asked about mom and our flight and how I slept then asked if I'd like to have breakfast with her...I laughed and said it would be great...but we would have to be in the same state at the very least...she then informed me that she was in the lobby of my hotel...
I WAS STUNNED...and when I opened the door and saw her standing there it was like a dream come true...we hugged for a time and then...I COLLAPSED ON THE BED IN TEARS...
I CRIED...I SOBBED...I WAILED...EVERYTHING I WAS FEELING FOR 10 DAYS CAME POURING OUT OF ME...ANGER/FRUSTRATION/SADNESS/LONELINESS/ AND DESPERATION...FLOODING OUT OF ME...
SHE STAYED UNTIL THE NEXT AFTERNOON AND THEN WAS OFF AGAIN...LIFE...WAS CONTINUING FOR REST OF THE WORLD AND SHE NEEDED TO BE IN IT...
just before her flight my cousin and his partner arrived to see my mom for what would be the last time for them alive...his mother was left behind on the cruise ship and had to finish the voyage they began for her birthday alone...
the next day they too had to leave...that afternoon my brother and sister arrived and also stayed for 2 days...it was GREAT to see family again and spend time in the hospital NO LONGER ALONE...but once again I was soon left ALONE to make decisions and deal with the isolation and loneliness of being left behind while everyone else was FREE to GO...fortunately a DEAR FRIEND was living an hour away and came for lunch and the next day her and her husband took me to dinner...it was a VERY WELCOME BREAK from the nightmare (for me) that was DR ...
THEN CAME THURSDAY...AND THE PHONE CALL...I was heading to the hospital when the phone rang and it was a hospital staff member saying the attending physician wanted to see me for a chat...this was it I knew it...FINALLY...
10 days in DR and now 10 days in Florida her getting better/getting worse was about to come and end...but NOT without a few more insults to injury...after our meeting and a few more calls to my brother Luis and Michelle I signed the DNR that my mother requested in her living will that we could not produce to substantiate her wishes...hospice was notified and staff member dispatched to walk me through the process and hold my hand while we waited...
shortly before the end of things another hospital staff member walked in and started fussing with some equipment and was followed by another staff member who asked if I wanted a priest...my response was clear and direct..."NOT FOR ME…FOR HER, YES PLEASE."...it was then the fiddling staffer turned to me and said "you should read the bible cover to cover...it would a great help and comfort"...to which I replied "perhaps one day I will...but NOT TODAY"...she then went on and on about how beneficial SHE found it to be such and was certain I would be pleasantly surprised...I told her I NO LONGER WISHED TO DISCUSS IT and she was suddenly "finished" with her duties whatever they were and left...shortly thereafter, I was texting back to a childhood friend as death seemed imminent and she too instructed me to "get down on your knees and beg god for forgiveness and her life"...she later apologized as it was her knee-jerk reaction...
now ANGER AND RAGE took over from my earlier feelings of desperate solitude/despair and abandonment...NO MATTER THE EFFORTS OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE...I took a few deep breaths and then a few more...walked around the floor outside her room and then...took care of the last remaining bits of hospital business that was the end of my mother's life....the ordeal for her was almost an entire month long...for me it was 22 days of HELL...
22 DAYS...SEEMINGLY 1 DAY FOR EVERY YEAR OF JASON'S LIFE...AND THAT IS HOW I WILL ALWAYS VIEW MY MOTHER'S DEATH....
THERE WERE NO TRUMPETS/ANGELS/BRIGHT LIGHTS OR BOOMING VOICES "TO CALL HER HOME"...
JUST HER AND I…AND THEN HER BREATHING JUST STOPPED…APPROXIMATELY 2 1/r HOURS AFTER "PULLING THE PLUG"…
67 DAYS BETWEEN FATHER AND SON DYING…6 YEARS LATER 22 DAYS OF THE ROLLER-COASTER RIDE FROM HELL RETURNS
ALL I AM LEFT WITH IS THE FEELING THAT I AM NOW "ALL GROWN UP" AS I NOW HAVE NO PARENTS TO TURN TO OR DISAPPOINT...OR MAKE FEEL PROUD WITH WHATEVER I WILL DO IN FUTURE THAT IS GOOD...
I NOW RAGE IN MY SLEEP AT ALLTHE HURTS EVER INFLICTED ON ME SINCE EARLY CHILDHOOD...BOTH REAL AND IMAGINED (I COULD BE WRONG ABOUT SOME OF IT) I LASH OUT WITH GREAT FURIOUS RAGE AT MY TORMENTORS...MY PAST STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY...WHILE MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN A HORROR-SHOW THE EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL SCARS OPEN EVERY NOW AGAIN AND I "BLEED" IN MY SLEEP APPARENTLY...EVEN AT THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF SLIGHTS...I GUESS IT'S THE HOW I'M LEFT TO FEEL OR THE SEEING WITH A CHILD'S EYE...THE ADULT CAN'T REST...IT'S NOT EASY BEING ME...BUT I TELL PEOPLE I'M "FINE"...IT'S EASIER THAN EXPLAINING...
IT HAS BEEN ONE HELL OF A YEAR...AND I'M STILL HERE...
AND SO IT GOES...
