Dear Jason,
Here we are once again my beloved son...yet, another year (almost)...yet, another "milestone"...yet, another "anniversary"...yet, nobody wants to "celebrate"...least of all...ME...so much has happened these last 5 years and so much nothing as well...I know you ARE with me each and every moment of every single day...but let's review, shall we?...
May 26, 2006 Jason and Chris are KILLED in a car crash at approximately 8:30 PM EST
9:20 PM I get a phone call telling me there might be the most horrific news a parent can receive but the details are sketchy and inconclusive at best...by 10:45 my best friend is trying to convince me that I NEED to take the long drive from Staten Island to Long Island because the situation just might be at it's worst, but it's best I head out now....either way...a part of me already knew but the brain is working feverishly to DENY AT ALL COSTS what might be MY NEW REALITY...almost 3 hours later Michelle and I reach our destination and by 2 AM my lifelong friend is telling me my nightmare is about to begin...and that there is no waking up because this is now the reality that will be life until the day I die...
Although it has been 5 years there are days it still feels as if it's all just beginning....the brain still can't grasp that this has really happened Jason and you are dead and so is Chris...a young man I will never meet but who's mom I couldn't be closer to...this has been some "journey" as "we" call it...yes, my vocabulary has changed somewhat dramatically...there are things I am still learning...or at least trying to anyway... the how and why "we go on" is not one of them really...it's something you "just do"...
You do learn what and who is important and what and who you NEED to concern yourself with...when your ONLY child DIES there really isn't a whole lot after that that's important...to me what is important is some family/friends and some way of keeping the memory of you, Jason...alive...I will spend the rest of my days striving to do just that...REMEMBER and HONOR and KEEP the MEMORY OF MY ONE AND ONLY SON...YOU...ALIVE...like my license plates that bear your legacy and the small business we will begin in the very near future in your name...in this way Jason...and so many others...
YOU WILL ALWAYS REMAIN A PART OF MY EVERY DAY...from my license plates that speak of you to the business in your name that we will have up and running in the very near future...to the sharing of memories of you and your youth with your niece Olivia...she will learn of the good times and the sad times of her Uncle Jason through me and Michelle and perhaps your cousins may offer a Jason tale or two...I look forward to this...it's what I have left...and it manages to make me happy...and for that...I AM grateful...
THERE IS NO PROSTHETIC FOR A HUMAN LIFE...but the memory of it can sure be a salve of comfort to an extent...today I find myself comparing car crashes...yours and mine and so many others I have seen or seen the result of...while our crashes and most others ARE or WERE AVOIDABLE AND DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN...they did...yet the term "accident" doesn't always apply...NO AMOUNT OF MONEY OR THE PASSAGE OF TIME WILL MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY...in the aftermath of your death...Michelle and I got married partly thanks to you...and Jaimee and Danny have given us the beautiful Miss Olivia as our very own Grandpeanut...whom we LOVE BEYOND WORDS...as much as I now have things to look forward to...
I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS...the PAIN and SADNESS...
I hate hearing the "words of comfort" AND the words of IGNORANCE AND ARROGANCE AND the DEAFENING SILENCE...SURROUNDING YOUR DEATH...I hate feeling ANGRY/SAD and CONFUSED ALL THE TIME...people think I'm "doing so well" or "holding up rather well under the circumstances"....they see a "strength" in me... I wonder who the fuck are they looking at or talking to?...if I said half the things that were in my head I'd be locked up for sure in a straight jacket 24/7....they would run in terror...as it is there are enough who can't even be around me and those that can I can't be around for very long...you don't know how I do it?!...I don't know how I do it !!!...it's not easy on me not knowing and it's not easy on them if they even TRY to think about what to do/say or how to help...we certainly DON'T TALK ABOUT YOU...if we do it doesn't last very long before THEY get uncomfortable... I look toward retirement as a means of returning to a somewhat more peaceful existence as the drive in can be alternately comforting or anxiety producing... and I'm tired of dealing with the STUPID and SELFISH on the road these days...even at work it's hard to get people to understand that...THIS IS NOT A DISEASE AND IT'S NOT CONTAGIOUS...
MY THEORY IS THAT: IF YOU ACCEPT ME AS I AM...THEN IF I AM A MESS...ACCEPT THAT AS WELL...DON'T RUN FROM IT OR TRY TO AVOID IT OR ME...MAYBE THAT'S HOW YOU CAN "HELP"...BOTH OF US...JUST DON'T JUDGE ME OR GIVE ME A REPORT CARD ON HOW WELL I'M DOING...I'M NOT SO "FINE"...
I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I'VE GOT...
Here we are once again my beloved son...yet, another year (almost)...yet, another "milestone"...yet, another "anniversary"...yet, nobody wants to "celebrate"...least of all...ME...so much has happened these last 5 years and so much nothing as well...I know you ARE with me each and every moment of every single day...but let's review, shall we?...
May 26, 2006 Jason and Chris are KILLED in a car crash at approximately 8:30 PM EST
9:20 PM I get a phone call telling me there might be the most horrific news a parent can receive but the details are sketchy and inconclusive at best...by 10:45 my best friend is trying to convince me that I NEED to take the long drive from Staten Island to Long Island because the situation just might be at it's worst, but it's best I head out now....either way...a part of me already knew but the brain is working feverishly to DENY AT ALL COSTS what might be MY NEW REALITY...almost 3 hours later Michelle and I reach our destination and by 2 AM my lifelong friend is telling me my nightmare is about to begin...and that there is no waking up because this is now the reality that will be life until the day I die...
Although it has been 5 years there are days it still feels as if it's all just beginning....the brain still can't grasp that this has really happened Jason and you are dead and so is Chris...a young man I will never meet but who's mom I couldn't be closer to...this has been some "journey" as "we" call it...yes, my vocabulary has changed somewhat dramatically...there are things I am still learning...or at least trying to anyway... the how and why "we go on" is not one of them really...it's something you "just do"...
You do learn what and who is important and what and who you NEED to concern yourself with...when your ONLY child DIES there really isn't a whole lot after that that's important...to me what is important is some family/friends and some way of keeping the memory of you, Jason...alive...I will spend the rest of my days striving to do just that...REMEMBER and HONOR and KEEP the MEMORY OF MY ONE AND ONLY SON...YOU...ALIVE...like my license plates that bear your legacy and the small business we will begin in the very near future in your name...in this way Jason...and so many others...
YOU WILL ALWAYS REMAIN A PART OF MY EVERY DAY...from my license plates that speak of you to the business in your name that we will have up and running in the very near future...to the sharing of memories of you and your youth with your niece Olivia...she will learn of the good times and the sad times of her Uncle Jason through me and Michelle and perhaps your cousins may offer a Jason tale or two...I look forward to this...it's what I have left...and it manages to make me happy...and for that...I AM grateful...
THERE IS NO PROSTHETIC FOR A HUMAN LIFE...but the memory of it can sure be a salve of comfort to an extent...today I find myself comparing car crashes...yours and mine and so many others I have seen or seen the result of...while our crashes and most others ARE or WERE AVOIDABLE AND DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN...they did...yet the term "accident" doesn't always apply...NO AMOUNT OF MONEY OR THE PASSAGE OF TIME WILL MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY...in the aftermath of your death...Michelle and I got married partly thanks to you...and Jaimee and Danny have given us the beautiful Miss Olivia as our very own Grandpeanut...whom we LOVE BEYOND WORDS...as much as I now have things to look forward to...
I HATE THIS ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS...the PAIN and SADNESS...
I hate hearing the "words of comfort" AND the words of IGNORANCE AND ARROGANCE AND the DEAFENING SILENCE...SURROUNDING YOUR DEATH...I hate feeling ANGRY/SAD and CONFUSED ALL THE TIME...people think I'm "doing so well" or "holding up rather well under the circumstances"....they see a "strength" in me... I wonder who the fuck are they looking at or talking to?...if I said half the things that were in my head I'd be locked up for sure in a straight jacket 24/7....they would run in terror...as it is there are enough who can't even be around me and those that can I can't be around for very long...you don't know how I do it?!...I don't know how I do it !!!...it's not easy on me not knowing and it's not easy on them if they even TRY to think about what to do/say or how to help...we certainly DON'T TALK ABOUT YOU...if we do it doesn't last very long before THEY get uncomfortable... I look toward retirement as a means of returning to a somewhat more peaceful existence as the drive in can be alternately comforting or anxiety producing... and I'm tired of dealing with the STUPID and SELFISH on the road these days...even at work it's hard to get people to understand that...THIS IS NOT A DISEASE AND IT'S NOT CONTAGIOUS...
MY THEORY IS THAT: IF YOU ACCEPT ME AS I AM...THEN IF I AM A MESS...ACCEPT THAT AS WELL...DON'T RUN FROM IT OR TRY TO AVOID IT OR ME...MAYBE THAT'S HOW YOU CAN "HELP"...BOTH OF US...JUST DON'T JUDGE ME OR GIVE ME A REPORT CARD ON HOW WELL I'M DOING...I'M NOT SO "FINE"...
I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN WITH WHAT I'VE GOT...
