feelings...true or false...

Today I read a few things that got me thinking and they helped to set a tone for the day...sort of...
for me one of the most amazing things about Facebook is the ability to reach out globally but also be able to narrowcast so to speak...this makes it the greatest thing since sliced bread...for me anyway....examples are as follows....after your settings are done you are able to broadcast to the entire planet exactly what's on your mind an how you FEEL instantly and hope that if you are really only talking to just one other person they will see the thought in print and be able to immediately respond with how they FEEL about what you just said...this can be good or bad depending on the thought and the sender's wording and the reader's interpretation of those words...

I have personally experienced the whole "that's what I said but it's not how I meant it thing" and so far no real damage has been done...so far...that said I will now move on to how I FEEL...today...

these past few weeks and more the last few days I have been told by several of the group of friends I have dubbed quite affectionately "MY Compassionates" that ALL can relate to or experience in the same moment or timeframe a  FEELING of being NOT just:

FRUSTRATED/ ALONE/ANGRY/HURT/ TORTURED/ HAUNTED/ MISUNDERSTOOD/OSTRACIZED/LIKE WE ARE GOING MAD OR ARE ALREADY INSANE/PUSHED ASIDE OR JUST PLAIN FORGOTTEN...

AND YES, A GREAT DEAL OF THE TIME...LOST...

we DIDN'T ask to board this ship/roller coaster ride we were strapped in AGAINST our will...and now our little vehicle has been set loose/cut loose and launched full speed into it's twisting /turning /spinning/ whirling/ climbing /dropping all at once,  course to nowhere with no end in sight or escape from our bonds...belted in like a mental patient strapped to a gurney...head/ hands/ chest/ waist and feet with NO room for movement and no way to control what happens to us next...

even someone like myself who just let's/ has LIFE HAPPEN to him can't stand the utter and total loss of control of the simplest actions...you think to yourself you can do better under these circumstances or we are not doing  the "right" things to "get better"?...THINK AGAIN...it has taken and sometimes still takes me a longer time to get myself focused on what people are saying in order to understand the words coming at me...which leads to conversations that sound like "I'm sorry what did you say?" blah blah blah blah like the teachers or adults in any Charlie Brown cartoon....then I have to think about the sounds I heard play it back and inside my head say "go back a bit...nt gar?...hmm...a little more "you ant gar?" ok almost there, try again..."you want sugar?"..."yes please sorry I got lost there for  a minute"...

then there are the endless platitudes from the most well meaning and loved people in your life...their INTENTIONS are MOSTLY good and NOT meant to irritate annoy or just plain piss you off....

YES WE ALL KNOW BECAUSE MY CHILD IS DEAD YOU WANT TO COMFORT CONSOLE AND HELP ME "FEEL BETTER"...BUT AFTER A WHILE CLICHES AND WARM AND FUZZY SAYINGS DON'T WORK FOR SOME OF US in fact there are times when you get so frustrated with the whoever it is or whatever it is they are saying to make you see a better way of "getting through this and coming out all "happy" and thinking it will last us a lifetime just makes you want to scream...

 PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE ONE  OF US DIES, YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME THIS WAY  !...SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU HOLD DEAR, SHUT UP AND JUST TAKE MY HAND OR HUG ME FOR A WHILE !!!...ACTIONS CAN SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...BETTER YET LET ME DO ALL THE TALKING AND LISTEN TO MY WORDS FOR A CHANGE...

at work we are an enigma us grieving parents are...nobody knows what to say or how to say it and so they try to avoid you...guess what...the SAME SHIT IS GOING ON AT HOME...family and friends go out of their way to avoid talking about "it"...YOU MEAN THE DEAD KID? "IT" HAS A NAME IN MY CASE JASON IS HIS NAME...OR WHAT I FEEL ALSO HAS A NAME GRIEF...OVERWHELMING SADNESS...SOMETIMES...DEPRESSION...

oddly even with these little ranting blogs of mine I can see where I am doing better than most and not as well as others...I am NOT on anti-depressants I am NOT taking sleeping pills anymore...I AM getting up way too early and being at work far too long and only getting paid for 8 of my daily 12 -14 hours in...NO, IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ANYON BUT ME...I UNDERSTAND THAT...YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD DURING MY DRIVE IN EVERY MORNING...sometimes NEITHER do I !!!.... I TRAVEL THE 26 MILES/ ARRIVE SOMEHOW SAFELY AND THEN I get to bang out most of my work before I even hit my start time...in what world does this make any kind of sense?....IN MY WORLD...I STRESS LESS THIS WAY...WHEN YOUR  CHILD IS KILED IN A CAR CRASH DRIVING INCREASES YOUR STRESS LEVELS...WELL, MINE ANYWAY...IT'S A PSYCHOLOGICAL BAND AIDE...THANKFULLY IT WON'T BE PART OF MY EVERY DAY FOR MUCH LONGER....

YES I DO UNDERSTAND WE ARE NOT ALL EQUIPPED TO SAY OR DO THE RIGHT THING FOR A BEREAVED PARENT BUT I WOULD SUGGEST THE BEST THING TO DO AFTER OFFERING AN EAR AND A SHOULDER...LISTEN WHEN WE TELL YOU WHAT WORKS AND WHAT DOESN'T IN TERMS OF MAKING US FEEL BETTER...DON'T MAKE US FEEL FRUSTRATED WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU FEEL FRUSTRATED WITH US BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEEM TO  GET US COMFORTED ENOUGH TO SUIT YOU....

WE NEED HELP PEOPLE...THE RIGHT HELP...FOR US...NOT YOU...
BE THERE THE WAY WE NEED YOU TO BE...OR GO AWAY...BECAUSE IF WE KEEP BANGING HEADS OVER WHY I'M NOT HEALING WHEN YOU ARE "HELPING" THEN WE ARE BOTH HURTING MORE...NOT LESS...

my happy face keeps sliding off, where's the staple gun?

    Go to the closet pick out a good one for the gathering ahead...let's see, family? yes. friends?  yes. fun?...I'm sorry what was the question?...oh, ok, yes more than likely there will be fun....good...now how about this one? too forced...ok this? too toothy...how about?...that works, not too tense and not too lax like you're not even trying. do we have to do this?...YES...not even gonna ask why. If they see me they get happy I made it and then we can go on pretending as long as my expression doesn't change. pretending what? oh, you know what...yeah I know what...I get to pretend I am having a great time and they get to pretend nothing bad has happened to me or our family...EVER...

well, except maybe that...STOP...don't say it, don't even THINK it...why? they are....yeah, but they aren't going to admit it, at least not to you...yeah, yeah I know the game and the rules...I smile and nod and they try not to say anything too real or upsetting and as long as nobody mentions his name or says something that reminds us all of who is missing...yeah, then we'll all be aright...and then we can all have a good time and feel good about ourselves that we didn't cause a meltdown of me...and when the grade comes in tomorrow we can all gauge just how "well" I did and how much "better" I am...time must be "healing" me  right along...a little behind schedule, but hey....think there might be "closure" anytime soon?...

Why after all this time on the planet has man not come to the realization that there is NO CURE for a parent whose child has died?...yes, we can pretend if we are lucky and walk around laughing and joking and making inane conversation but that is only because nobody EVER wants to hear the TRUE answer to the question : "How are you?"

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND...it's NOT like we are ALWAYS sad /depressed/ angry/ hurting or feeling NUMB all over...IT'S JUST MOST OF THE TIME...BUT WE HIDE IT WELL...

THIS IS NOT FUN FOR ANY OF US EITHER YOU THINK WE WANT TO BE THIS WAY? THINK AGAIN !...I KNOW MY SITUATION ISN'T AS BAD AS SOME OTHER'S...

for that I AM GRATEFUL...I am not fighting with my family...they are NOT out to destroy me...they just aren't equipped to "handle me properly"...and some of that is MY fault...I don't always know what I need or what I want to help me feel better before I feel TOO sad...some things work some times and some things don't work ANYTIME...there are NO RULES THAT APPLY  to every scenario of grief...no matter WHO you are...for me this process is just like me...A WORK IN PROGRESS...I would love to see the finished product but that will not be until I end...

I JUST WISH SOMETIMES IT WOULD BE EASIER...BUT IT'S NOT...

SO WE ALL GO ON...

is it just me ?

So, I'm doing the dishes from the nice little lunch I made for myself and it occurs to me...the toast I made at the luncheon we had after Jason's funeral services. I raised a glass and thanked everyone for coming and joining us. I then simply said "To Jason" and they all raised their glasses and said "To Jason." This part I remember like it was a moment ago, I emptied my glass then I sat down in my chair and cried. Funny how little bits of memories come back at you, like the one about picking out the casket and clothes who wear for his final public appearance.

I coud be at work sailing along my morning routine, scrubbing a toilet or mopping a floor or just hauling 30 gallon garbage bags down the hall to the dumpsters outside. Suddenly I get a visual in my head of Jason reclining strapped in his passenger seat with Chris spread out in the back seat. "The driver" weaving in and out of traffic, pedal pressed firmly downward as the car starts to veer off the road. Ponder for a moment, just how fast a 1998 Toyota Camry with 3 passengers in excess of 200 pounds apiece seated inside, must be going to go airborne at 79 miles an hour. The accident investigation team puts it in the triple digits. When all is said and done 2 lives are ended and another shattered but still alive with a future ahead of him. Suddenly I'm angry. Imagine that. Inevitably about this time someone comes along with:

"If you get a chance can you move evrything so that whatever is over here is put over there and whatever is over there now needs to be put here, for no real reason other than because I don't think you have much of anything to do today." Sometimes you just want to say "I don't really work for you and this is not my job. You give them a look which of course leads to comments like " you certainly have an attitude today." Naturally the proper response to that is: "If you think this is attitude, you ain't seen nothin' yet !"..."Gee the last few moments inside and outside the car must have been something to create quite a scene for the locals to talk about for years to come."...

Go for a walk around the building and see who's up and moving, who's in or out today. Hope that you can only see only the fun people, with any luck all the miseries stayed home. Oh good, there's a happy familiar face. "Morning." A smile back "Morning, hey, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah." "Right?"....YES, THAT WAS ENGLISH BUT WHAT DID IT MEAN !!?? ...FOCUS, BREATHE YOU CAN DO THIS. TRANSLATE GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING ! Think...Morning something something right?..."Yes, it is very hot out and they did mention rain, have a nice day gotta go now !"

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT !?....the brain has left the body !...thankfully it left the answering machine on...Ok so, today is not going to be a good day for interacting with the outside world...at least not at work..."hey, what are you doing? where are you going? why you doing that and not this? Do you know anything about all kinds of stuff you really have no need to know and nobody but me expects you to? and while I'm at it, why didn't anyone tell you in the first place even if it's got nothing to do with you?"...I just need to know at what point during the course of my day did I look likeI wanted to play 20 questions followed immediately by "ask me another"?...if I can figure that out then I can arrange to not see these inane question asking people at that time every day... and I thought I was bad today !

Alright, let's have some lunch and relax a bit before finishing up the afternoon's work load. "Oh, look at that a picture of you around your neck wait, is that you?" UHOH... Here we go again !

STEADY..."No it's not me it's my son, he's dead." ..."oh isn't that nice, he's your ...he's what? dead?...Is that right?"...."well gee I sure hope so, 'cause we had him cremated 4 years ago ! I'd hate to find out we were wrong, that'd be a kick in the head huh?!"....while the sarcasm is still flowing...all that money on flowers a casket and the limos we could have saved...no,I think we were fairly certain someone would have stopped us if we were wrong about that whole dead thing...why are you backing away?...and another thing...yeah I can talk like this now 'cause I'm over it now...hell it's been 4 years what was I supposed to do spend the rest of my life crying and carrying on?...he was 22 a big boy out on his own, hardly ever saw him, he never called all that much...

Honestly...did you ever hold your newborn in your arms look at them and see how fragile life REALLY is then and had to stop yourself from finishing the thought "what if my baby dies? the when and how EVER cross your mind? parent to parent...you can tell me...my honest answer is yes and it scared the FUCK out of me and made me wonder how and where a thought like that ever got inside my head. Maybe there REALLY IS something wrong with me...I mean even before Jason was killed to be thinking like that....or is it another scary thought we as a people don't talk about anywhere?...DARK HUH?...

yeah well, I'm not supposed to be thinking about death and Jason and Jason's death I'm supposed to be thinking nothing but happy thoughts and wondering if Brad and whoever or Paris is ever gonna...FUCK THAT...when your child dies your mind goes places you never even dreamed of...in fact other people's nightmares become your everyday dreams...paint on your happy face hold that smile in place with whatever you got... you just hold your head up mister smile like an idiot and do the moron nod as people come up and talk about how horrible life is because they had to wait in line to be ignored or told no !....bite your tongue as someone starts telling you about the latest tragedy they just saw on the news and can you imagine how those poor people feel? shootings/stabbings fires and car crashes you didn't her about that?!! it's all over the news!!...whaddayamean you don't watch the news?! you mean you really don't watch any t v ? !...why not !?

oh I'm sorry...but you know maybe you should see someone...yeah maybe you're right but then...who's available 24/7 and will never leave your side just so you can vent when you need to?...oh yeah, god right...I'll talk to him right after I hear from Santa about the little red wagon I never got...I left a message with his service but those elves don't always give them to him....I don't know why he keeps them on...you want look at your calendar again and tell me how over it I'm supposed to be again...I think I'm way behind schedule...

enough rambling for one day...

peace

SEX RELIGION AND POLITICS...AND RESPECT...

What I know, I know because I have seen and heard and felt...what I have seen and heard can not always be believed...what I have felt may have not always been right...what I believe is NOT for EVERYONE...it is FOR ME...

All my life I have tried to understand different points of view on any given topic and seen where any two people can reach an impasse...from where I sit intelligent people can agree to disagree...that does not mean that everyone with an opposing viewpoint or any viewpoint for that matter is intelligent...I RESPECT THAT...

SEX - RELIGION AND POLITICS...used to be the 3 things you never discuss in public...

POLITICS:

these days EVERYONE is screaming about politics...no matter which party you belong to the general consensus no matter who's in charge is : the current elected official nitwits in charge can easily lead to the end of the world or civilization as we know it...if the world ends what difference does it make who did it?...it's not like there will be time enough for someone to say "see, I told you he/she/they were going to destroy the planet !"...this world has seen so many pharaohs /emperors/kings/ presidents/prime ministers and dictators come and go and nobody got it right enough for the whole world to live in peace...MAN hasn't gotten this concept quite right yet...so, STOP SCREAMING AT ME LIKE I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY !...

I can see we don't always agree on everything...I RESPECT THAT...

the world is gonna end SOME DAY...I can't spend every waking moment worrying about the when and how because I KNOW I am not smart enough to stop it or fix it....I CAN and WILL help whenever/ wherever possible...

BUT...if you're looking to ME to save the planet ALONE...go look at someone else, 'cause I'm too busy with ME right now....

RELIGION:

these days EVERYONE is screaming about religion..much like politics is a concept with MANY DIFFERENT points of view... MAN has prayed to rocks/ trees /the sun /the moon/ shooting stars/rain/ wind/snow and fire...there might even be a hamster in Chicago some man is praying to right now for all we know...but I digress...after a while MAN decided he needed to be in groups that all did the same thing and thought the same things...so he started telling stories of adventures him and his pals had while traveling far and drinking and eating and smoking all kinds of delicious and strange and wondrous stuff...it didn't matter how true or false any of these stories were it was the excitement and response that he got from those who would listen...

each story needed a figure to lead groups through each of these amazing stories...these leaders soon were capable of doing the most impossible feats and were endowed with a mystical title to go along with their extraordinary powers...they became known as gods...because there were so many the g remained small for thousands of years...interesting though, they all seemed to appear more human or half human half creature depending on their abilities...for the most part...

MAN made THEM in HIS OWN image...

sometimes they walked among those who told the stories or those the stories were about but they were not always earthbound entities...these gods just like political positions were formed from another...concept...they were not only given the ability to take charge from the ground but they were also able to control some things from above...lots of people began to BELIEVE in these great and terrible creations known as gods even if they have never seen one personally...few ever got to meet any of them face to face and yet they were the ones responsible for how the world worked...for a time...

and then one day a great and wondrous thing happened...

I think it was sometime around the year 1 the first day of the rest of history around noon...maybe 11:30...

all at once all around the world people got an idea that there can be only be one great and wise DEITY that everyone should BELIEVE in...

the only problem is none of these folks were all in the same place and they didn't have cell phones or video conferencing yet...so none of them knew they had each picked a...

DIFFERENT DEITY AND GAVE IT A DIFFERENT NAME and MAN made THEM in HIS OWN image...

next thing you know, word of all these new and diverse folk with THEIR own view of what's right & wrong and good or bad...this lead to lots of bickering and infighting because some were not willing to accept or BELIEVE in the other guy's deity...and men being men decided to solve things the way men always did...they waged wars over who's ALL POWERFUL KNOWING BEING is bigger and better....and the battle continues...STOP SCREAMING AT ME LIKE I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY !...

I AM NOT FIGHTING FOR ANY DEITY REAL OR IMAGINED...

I AM FIGHTING FOR MY SANITY AND MYSELF...

TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD AND NOT GETTING CAUGHT UP IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BULLSHIT....

RELIGIOUS OR POLITICAL...

I DON'T WANT OR NEED AN ARMY BEHIND OR IN FRONT OF ME...

I can see we don't always agree on everything...I RESPECT THAT...

SEX:

these days EVERYONE is screaming about sex...NOT ONE OF US WOULD BE HERE WITHOUT IT !!!...most of us can, will or have enjoyed it...hopefully ALL of US... ALL 3 in the FUTURE...again, another topic another...concept...

however, this one leads to so many other concept(ions)...not everyone views this aspect of the human condition in the EXACT SAME WAY !...thankfully !!...

there are people who CAN'T enjoy it or TALK about it and yet WANT to change everyone else's view to match THEIR OWN WAY OF THINKING...this too is not gonna happen anytime soon worldwide...AGAIN thankfully...I RESPECT THAT...

some of us willing to share our thoughts, learned experiences (good and bad) and concepts with others...along with our bodies...and or specific parts...we do NOT all like & dislike the same thing as everyone else...

SEX is something that is experienced on a singular/ individual level even with a willing and able partner...men and women feel the mechanics and emotions of sex DIFFERENT FROM EACH OTHER...not ALL men will feel the exact same way for the duration and at the same points and NEITHER WILL WOMEN ALL FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME AT THE SAME TIME...

as long as ALL participants AGREE on what can and can NOT be done during any given session and no one is PERMANENTLY INJURED OR DISFIGURED...then have all the FUN you can because...

I BELIEVE THAT IS THE REASONS I HAVE SEX...FOR THE FUN OF IT...

I COULD BE WRONG ABOUT YOU SO I WON'T GUESS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT OR TELL YOU HOW YOU SHOULD FEEL ABOUT IT....

I can see we don't always agree on everything...I RESPECT THAT...

My son Jason is DEAD...

I UNDERSTAND that...I don't WANT to ACCEPT that EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY...

I CAN'T imagine him in some golden palace or castle with wings and a halo where the streets are made of gold and every sky is blue with white puffy clouds and rainbows everywhere you look...I CAN'T see him surrounded by a chorus of angels and little cherubs with harps and always smiling and having a good time UNTIL...

He looks DOWN (?) and sees ME and how VERY SAD I am that he is not physically here with me to hold/hug and kiss sing and dance with or just sit and talk like we used to when he was ALIVE...

I try to be realistic and see what is real...for ME...god and heaven are not REAL...they are a concept I am NOT willing to embrace...I don't feel a NEED to convert ANYONE to my way of thinking because it works only for ME...I try to live in the REAL world...one where you can see/ feel /hear/ touch and taste all there is in this world...I am NOT however, opposed to the concept of different worlds or planes of existence or dimensions beyond what we know as humans...

I BELIEVE WE ARE ENERGY AND SO IS OUR LIFE FORCE OR SPIRIT AND IT NEEDS TO GO ON...SOMEWHERE...SINCE ENERGY IS INFINITE...YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT...I DON'T NEED YOU TO BELIEVE THAT...

I have had well meaning FAMILY and FRIENDS AND STRANGERS talk of god & heaven and better places and plans that an almighty has FOR ME AND JASON that doesn't need to be explained to SIMPLE MINDED ME...at least not while I'm ALIVE...see because once...

I'M DEAD TOO I WILL BE HAPPY JASON WAS KILLED BECAUSE THEN I WILL SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE, THE GRAND PLAN THE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT...I NEED TO LIVE THIS MISERY EVERY DAY SO I CAN BECOME A BETTER PERSON...WHEN I'M DEAD !...

oh...yeah...that makes PERFECT SENSE TO ME !...NOT !!!...I KNOW...I GET TOO EMOTIONAL ABOUT THIS DON'T I ?...yeah, you're right I need to "let it go" and "Let go let god"..."don't dwell on Jason being dead so much"..."it's not healthy"...

okay, I see it now, it's getting clearer for me...what I REALLY NEED to do is NOT mention his name EVER AGAIN...if someone else does I should change the subject immediately before anyone has a FEELING....and if I feel the NEED TO CRY I should slam my head against a wall to stop whatever thought is making me SAD because Jason is DEAD...then I should pray the rosary 3 times and face mecca while rocking backward and forward...then I can sit cross legged on the floor and stand on my head to reach a heightened spiritual awareness !...

I've BEEN in THERAPY before and after and yes it helps tremendously...it just doesn't cure this what do you call it?....

GRIEF !...I AM NOW AND ALWAYS WILL BE A GRIEVING/BEREAVED PARENT...

STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THAT...

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T !!!...

WHAT I DO AND HOW I DO IT CONCERNING MY GRIEF PROCESS FOR THE DEATH OF MY ONLY BIOLOGICAL SON IS WHAT I SEE IS RIGHT FOR ME YOU DON'T HAVE TO JOIN ME...

I can see we don't always agree on everything...I RESPECT THAT...I NEED YOU TO RESPECT ME !!!...

I TRY NOT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS DON'T HURT MINE...

YOU WANT TO HELP GIVE ME A HUG...IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME AND RESPECT HOW I FEEL DON'T TRY...GO AWAY...

IN YOUR OPINION AM DOING THIS ALL WRONG?....

okay, I'll make you deal...I'll listen to you and take EVERYTHING YOU SAY and try to apply it to MY LIFE...just as soon as one of YOUR KIDS IS DEAD and YOU have GOTTEN OVER IT...

THEN YOU CAN GIVE ME YOUR EXPERT ADVICE...DEAL?

I can see we don't always agree on everything...I RESPECT THAT...I NEED YOU TO RESPECT ME !!!...

DEAL?...