When Your Child Dies vs. The Disposable Child...

Jason,
        I missed writing on the 7th of June as I had planned to, as it was the 5th anniversary of my very first message to you on myspace since you were killed in 2006...but as we both know...LIFE doesn't always work out as we plan...you were planning on being in Canada for Memorial Day Weekend and having a blast with your friends Chris and "the driver"...yeah, NO, I still won't mention his name in print any more than I already have in a previous blog post...but instead, you and Chris were killed a car crash because somebody was being a selfish reckless ASSHOLE behind the wheel of your car...


gambling and drinking legally has it's priorities I guess, even now and at the expense of 2 LIVES OF FRIENDS...although, now it's a moot point because he is old enough to drink and gamble and drive drunk legally if he so chooses...because despite the loss of an arm...HE GOT OLDER AND IS STILL ALIVE...so you can understand perfectly why he would change his myspace screen name to...Age is just a number...Until you get old and DIE...


YEAH I AM STILL ANGRY WITH HIM AND I WON'T "GET OVER IT"...I KNOW IT'S WASTED ENERGY AND YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO BE THIS WAY THE REST OF MY LIFE...BUT I DON'T SEE ME CHANGING THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU BEING KILLED...EVER...


I STILL CRY thinking of you or sometimes sharing a story of you I get teary eyed or suppress a wave of EMOTION every now and again...I do have a TREMENDOUS SUPPORT SYSTEM with my Compassionate Facebook Friends and for them I am truly grateful...they step in where friends and family CAN'T OR WON'T GO WITH ME...THEY UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THAT THIS IS ME NOW...THEY DON'T TRY TO CHANGE ME EVEN IF WE DISAGREE ON A WIDE VARIETY OF TOPICS...THEY ARE FRIENDS...ALWAYS


I missed the 7th because as you know, I had a car crash of my very own on April 14, 2011...I'm sure the date is familiar to you as it WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR 27TH BIRTHDAY...
I have been in considerable constant pain on and off ever since and sitting /standing and walking for long periods are not very comfortable for me these days...I find myself reviewing mine and then comparing yours to mine and wonder about the what ifs and how it felt as it happened in both our cases...but I don't linger long on these thoughts...part of "the process" I suppose...or just plain being human...and yes, I do consider the possibility of you surviving instead of DYING...especially when people say you aren't in pain or you aren't suffering...NO SHIT !?!...


I DON'T BELIEVE YOU ARE IN A "BETTER PLACE" WITH SOME ALMIGHTY BEING...A BETTER PLACE IS IN MY FACE OR ARMS OR BY MY SIDE JASON...NOT DEAD...


I see people with their children today and just want to smack the shit out of them for the way they treat them...and take the child with me...especially the "father" who makes a fist and shakes it in the face of his 2-3 year old son because he started to whine in the supermarket...or the "mother" who tells her 7 year old daughter she's gonna kick the shit out of her when they get home as they exit a store in a bigger hurry than "mom" intended...or the "dad" who treats his son as a personal slave and then calls him pathetic at the top of his lungs...in front of a crowd of people...then there are the "parents" who are chloroforming their children and throwing them out quite literally like so much trash...these people are chasing or THROWING THEIR CHILDREN AWAY and ALL I WANT IS TO HAVE YOU BACK IN MY LIFE VERY MUCH ALIVE WITH OR WITHOUT "ISSUES"...


at the very least they are most certainly KILLING any and ALL chances at maintaining a "reasonably healthy" relationship with their own flesh and blood in the future and it just makes no kind of SENSE to me...I know it would be a colossal waste of time and energy trying to explain to these ASSHOLES that if their kids disappeared from their lives FOREVER they would NOT be happy for the rest of their lives...but they will NEVER GET IT until their children DIE and that will be too late...and this is what leads me to believe THERE IS NO GOD...


I LOVE YOU JASON AND I MISS VERY MUCH EVERY SINGLE DAY AND WILL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE


LOVE DAD

EXPECTATIONS...TOO MANY?...TOO FEW?...NONE AT ALL?...

JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA DIED (4.14.84-5.26.06) 
11 YEARS AGO THIS VERY WEEKEND TO THE DAY

EXPECTATIONS when a child is born and LIVES, the expectations are they will thrive and grow into fully functioning, fully formed, reasonably rational adults...parents of said child (one would hope) nurture and support and guide them through their early life decisions to make more informed choices and achieve some greater degree of success and happiness...

EXPECTATIONS are they are LOVED and CARED for by those around them throughout their lifetime...friends/family/teachers etc...as they grow EXPECTATIONS are that they make a LIFE for themselves beyond their parents sphere of influence and capabilities...but remain engaged on healthy levels of social interaction and family responsibilities...

EXPECTATIONS are the child goes on to learn in school and socialization with friends about caring and sharing, being there to help each other in times of need as well as in the day to day mundaneness of life...

EXPECTATIONS are that as we all grow there will be joy/sadness/love and loss...we learn to accept that LIFE is sometimes UNFAIR and seemingly sometimes downright CRUEL...as are people we meet along the way of our individual LIFE JOURNEY...

EXPECTATIONS and things are not always what they seem...sometimes friends/family become enemies and enemies become friends and family...some people expect unconditional love and loyalty from the instant they meet someone until death...some people expect they will never meet anyone of substance or the ability to instill faith/trust and hope of any sort of future...some people expect to die at a ripe old age and surrounded by friends and family and some people expect to die alone and miserable...

EXPECTATIONS are the child will LIVE LONG AND PROSPER...hopefully become independent and self sufficient and perhaps one day be there to care for the parents in old age or at the very least have an everlasting relationship built on mutual LOVE and RESPECT...one where they continue to share their lives as parent/child/friend and confidant...

EXPECTATIONS are unreliable creatures and are easily DASHED and DESTROYED from their very existence quite handily when the child DIES...

EXPECTATIONS DIE as quickly as the CHILD...

EXPECTATIONS VANISH INTO DUST...

you can NEVER expect to see the CHILD again walk through a door/smile and say hello/have a conversation with or share a hug or handshake...
you can NEVER again expect personal achievements such as graduations/great new jobs/engagements/weddings/starting or maintaining a family of their own...

EXPECTATIONS are you will feel the PAIN and HEARTACHE of the LOSS of YOUR CHILD EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...AND YET YOU WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE ON...

SADLY, FOR TOO MANY OF US EXPECTATIONS ARE:
WE WILL CARRY THIS PAIN AND SADNESS ENVELOPED IN THE DEEPEST PART OF OURSELVES THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL BE ABLE TO SEE OR HEAR IT MUCH....AND WE WILL KEEP THIS PAIN AND ANGUISH TO OURSELVES AND NEVER LET IT OUT....

FRIENDS AND FAMILY MAINTAIN A DISTANCE SO AS TO NOT BE AS AFFECTED BY OUR LOSS AND SADNESS TOO GREATLY THAT IT UPSETS THEIR SEEMINGLY PEACEFUL LIVES...

IT IS A RARE PERSON WHO CAN SIT BESIDE A BEREAVED/GRIEVING PARENT AND LET THEM TALK OR SHARE THEIR OWN STORIES OF THE CHILD WHO WAS...AND IS NO MORE...SHARING WITH STRANGERS YOUR DEEPEST FEELING OF LOSS AND INABILITY TO FULLY FUNCTION (MOSTLY JOKINGLY TO REMOVE THE STING) BECOMES THE NEW NORMAL...YOU NOTICE FRIENDS AND FAMILY (EVEN THOSE CLOSEST TO YOU) SEEM TO PULL AWAY...THE VISITS MORE SELDOM...THE REASONS FOR LESS INTERACTION BECOME MORE BENIGN AND EVENTUALLY ALTOGETHER MEANINGLESS...

EXPECTATIONS...OURS OR THEIRS THAT CREATE THE DISTANCE OR DEAFENING SILENCE?...THE GREAT DIVIDE BETWEEN THOSE WHO WERE ONCE CLOSE AND ARE NOW INEXPLICABLY SO FAR APART...

IS THE DISTANCE REAL OR IMAGINED?...HOW CAN WE KNOW FOR SURE IF NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT?...AND HOW DO YOU TALK ABOUT IT WITH PEOPLE WHO JUST AREN'T THERE?...

EXPECTATIONS...ARE WE EXPECTING TOO MUCH FROM THEM IN THE WAY OF PATIENCE/ UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION?...OR ARE THEY EXPECTING TOO MUCH OF US TO NOT TALK ABOUT HIM/HER/THEM SO MUCH THAT THEY ARE NOT LEFT UNCOMFORTABLE AND SAD?...WHO SHOULD BE LOOKING OUT FOR WHOM HERE?...

EXPECTATIONS...SHOULDN'T THEY BE THAT WE ARE ALL LOOKING OUT FOR EACH OTHER?...  

EXPECTATIONS...I'VE LEARNED TO TRY AND NOT TO HAVE ANY...
AS INFURIATING AS THAT IS FOR ME...I MOSTLY FEEL ITS FOR THE BEST...
FOR ME ANYWAY...

the socialization/religion and politics of grief...

Jaime JJ Longueira

July 17, 2011 · 

7.07.2011 the socialization/religion and politics of grief...

so...you have a friend/relative/new acquaintance  that has suddenly "become" a grieving parent...and you "don't always feel comfortable being around them"...you want to say or do something that will be SO "magical or miracle inducing" that they will "heal completely from the knowledge of having a child die and all their pain/anguish and suffering" will vanish in the blink of an eye because YOU willed it or prayed for it or wished for it with "all your heart"....if it makes YOU "uncomfortable" THINK HOW WE PROBABLY FEEL...you're right...YOU CAN'T IMAGINE...

in YOUR mind god or who or whatever is SO much more powerful than any HUMAN emotion and can easily be vanquished or put aside or asunder if you will...by merely asking "him/it/them for help and guidance...while it's a lovely HUMAN(E) THOUGHT...it is NOT a REALITY for a good number of "US"...
NOTICE I AM NOT SAYING MOST OR ALL OF US...JUST "A GOOD NUMBER" OF US...
some of us have or had "faith" of some kind or another and some of us have "lost" questioned or NEVER had any at all...


NOBODY WANTS this pain and we ALL wish there were a "MAGIC" bullet /cure/fix...but there is NONE...and this is the reality we have to live with every single day...if there were a "power switch" to turn it off and on I don't know ANYBODY who would want to turn it back on once we got "it" turned off...


I have heard from various people during the course of my entire lifetime that you can choose the mood you are in or as in certain programs change your "stinking thinking" and feel better about yourself/your situation/your life in general...and yes...there are times and situations it can and has worked in...however, there are times when even the most "Pollyanna" attitude can't even come close to helping or effecting a change...trying to explain to others that this is beyond our scope of reasoning is sometimes the same as fighting this emotion roller coaster/tsunami of sadness and despair...


you try standing at the water's edge on a beach with a broom and sweep the waves back into the ocean when the sea is calm...then try doing the same thing when tidal waves are coming at you at 100 miles an hour...our "problem" is we never know when it hits whether it's gonna be a few drops that can be swept into the sand to dissipate and dry or 100 foot high waves that will consume and sweep away ourselves/our town and all our town-folk...there are times when:
THERE JUST IS NO HIGHER GROUND


WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN AT THE SHORELINE? PRAY?
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT...


SPEAKING FOR MYSELF ALONE:
SPEAKING OF RELIGION IS ABSOLUTELY OF NO HELP TO ME...


IT ONLY FRUSTRATES BOTH OF US AND CAN SOMETIMES INFURIATE ME TO MADE TO THINK SOME "OTHER WORLDLY" DEITY IS IN CONTROL OF THE FACT THAT JASON WAS KILLED AND DID NOTHING TO PREVENT IT AND EVERYTHING TO CAUSE IT JUST TO TEACH ME A LESSON AND THAT "HIS PLAN" IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN JASON'S LIVING HIS LIFE TO A RIPE OLD AGE...


HEY "GOD"...FUCK YOU!!!...

"the rest of us" are STUCK with unanswered questions family and friends that disappear all on their own or just lose the ability to speak to you or interact with you on ANY social level...when YOUR CHILD DIES...it's not really any ONE person's fault...it's society in general and the way we all go about our daily lives...it's what we ALL really want...is to go about OUR lives...untouched/unscathed and devoid of tragic death...so we ignore the pain of others as best we can and when we can't shut it off we do our best to avoid it completely...we act on the concept of if we all just choose to we can just plain...


IGNORE IT AND IT WILL GO AWAY...but some of us don't have that "luxury" because for "us" it is OUR REALITY AND THAT REALITY IS JUST TOO REAL FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD...so we turn to "our own kind" those who are "just like us"...and we "become" a part of EACH OTHER...we understand what remains unspoken...we know the words we mean to say...we "HEAR THE WORDS UNSPOKEN"...we "SEE" what others don't want to or can't...THE PAIN IN OUR HEARTS...


WE HOLD ON TO EACH OTHER WHEN EVERYONE ELSE WALKS OR RUNS AWAY...
WE ARE...GRIEVING PARENTS...IT'S WHO WE ARE...IT'S WHAT WE DO...


FEW OF US ARE LUCKY TO HAVE A SPOUSE/PARTNER THAT REMAINS...ONE THAT SEES AND HEARS AND SUFFERS AS WE DO...AND DOES NOT THINK OF LEAVING TO GO IT ALONE OR WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO ISN'T ALSO GRIEVING...


ALL WE WANT IS TO BE ACCEPTED JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE...


in this "politically correct" world we are trying to create EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE SEEN AND HEARD AND LOVED...NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND...WE ARE ALL INCLUSIVE BECAUSE...THIS IS NOT A DISEASE...WE ARE CHALLENGED...JUST LIKE THOSE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS OR DISABILITIES...WE CAN'T HELP IT...THIS IS WHO WE ARE AND WE HAVE NO CURE...


we may not socialize the way we used to...we may not speak the way we used to...we may be quicker to anger than we were before...BUT WE CANNOT ALWAYS HELP IT...WE ARE "DIFFERENT" NOW...


but we need to be...
ACCEPTED FOR WHO WE ARE...


NOW...NO EXCEPTIONS...NO APOLOGIES...
NO OTHER EXPECTATIONS...

Ever Had A Life Depend On You?

If you know what being responsible for and caring for a life that depends entirely on you, be it human or otherwise, take a moment and consider what you do or give up, just so their heart can keep beating and they can continue to bring you joy.

The Life could be that of a favorite pet or woodland creatures you encounter and feed and nurture and look forward to interacting with in your daily routine. The Life that touches yours and warms your heart and gives you such pleasant memories.

A Life that makes you sad when a day or more goes by without you being together. When those days happen it turns out, it's a Life you really miss, no matter how short a time apart. Then you begin to wonder if everything is alright, though time and distance keeps you from knowing right away.
You begin to realize that as much as this Life depends on your time together for whatever reason, you too have come to depend on it being a part of your Life. Then you notice how sad you are because the more you try to arrange things differently, LIFE gets in the way of your being together.
Suddenly, as you are able to come together once again you notice, this Life managed alright without you. You are happy to see this Life survive on it's own for a time. Yet, you still long to be together. You know you'd be happier for more time together.
Now THINK...that you are one day told this Life is NO LONGER AVAILABLE TO SHARE WITH YOU...
THINK how it might FEEL to be made to think by everyone around you, that it would be BEST FOR YOU to NEVER think about or TALK about this Life that touched yours so deeply. YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS LIFE EVER AGAIN...because it makes others "feel uncomfortable" and SAD.
Now spend the rest of YOUR LIFE NOT talking about your greatest joy and the best part of your Life...and then tell me how great FOREVER feels without this LIFE IN YOURS...

NOW IMAGINE...IT'S YOUR OWN CHILD...

In Loving Memory of Jason Anthony Longueira
04.14.84 - 05.26.06

DEATH...IT CHANGES A PERSON...

so very HARD to focus on just one thought these days...so much has happened this past year and so much nothing right along with it...just a quick synopsis of the last 18 plus months...I retired from a city job which had it's ups and downs like most any job...the downs still seem to haunt me in my dreams as I tend to do battle (mostly vocally) but also physically as I thrash and kick and swing in my sleep at those who wish to do me harm...unfortunately my long suffering wife is beside me to occasionally take a hit as I lash out...

Retiring in March and moving in April 2 states over from NY to Pa was supposed to calm and relax and destress me as I acclimated to my new surroundings...putting distance between me and the hustle and bustle and stresses of every day life that city dwelling has a way of amplifying even for something as simple as a trip to the supermarket...the selfish and entitled ATTITUDE of my fellow "human beings" was being amped up seemingly with each passing day...instead it led to extensive travel just to get my aforementioned wife to and from the airport as she travels regularly/weekly out of state for work...and then the ISOLATION set in along with the winter...

while it was a new and interesting adventure plowing a 2-3 ft snowfall out of our extended circular driveway the reality was once it was plowed...where was I going ?...it's not like you can just jump in the car and 10 minutes later be sitting with the family or friends to see how they fared with winter storms or if they needed help...fortunately there were no family emergencies for us and we managed to get through winter just in time to realize...we DIDN'T want to try another one so far away or discover any natural or un disasters to the house due to another winter storm thank you very much...so here we are 45 minutes away from our loved ones in an area where storms and power outages and the like are few and far between...and YES...we are much happier for it...

what remains are the ongoing battles though seemingly diminished a bit for the time being and the random sometimes horrifying thoughts that still go on in my head...

SINCE JASON DIED...AND BY THE WAY YES HE IS STILL DEAD...THANKS FOR ASKING...I am feeling too much like the quote from Edgar Allen Poe...

"I REMAINED TOO MUCH INSIDE MY HEAD AND ENDED UP LOSING MY MIND"...

the things I remember growing up are hitting me frequently and quite randomly and with no real rhyme or reason...like the time I attended a summer camp 2 summers in a row and while there were mostly fun times (being 11 and unencumbered by family policies and restrictions) like being able to  go horseback riding and canoeing (mostly because we didn't have a horse growing up in Brooklyn let alone a canoe) and for some reason mom and dad would laugh at the suggestion that we get one...I managed to learn a few things about myself...some good and others not so much...but then I was 11 & 12 so cut me some slack...I remember the first experience more for the 2 most profound experiences of my young life...

the first (actually today they can easily be reversed) was the fact that during my stay we would be watching LIVE AS IT HAPPENED...the very first Moon Landing on July 20 1969... 
THAT was very exciting...and the other...not quite as auspicious...

I was buddied up with a young boy who just experienced his younger sister dying and he was "DEEP IN HIS GRIEF"...

I don't know why but it has taken me quite some time since Jason was killed in a car crash along with his friend Chris, at the hands of yet another friend who survived the crash and lives on to this day...to remember the boy Frank who was my "responsibility" for our 2 weeks in the fresh air and sunshine of fun time summer camp...I remember being asked by my counselor if I could just be there for him and distract him and keep him occupied so he can manage some form of fun for his/our stay...even writing this now I am recalling that we wrote each other at least once when we got home...and that was the extent of being "friends for life" at the age of 11...but I remember thinking how horrible this must be for him and I'm sure no matter how bad I think it is for me that it must be a gajillion times worse for him...little did I know then...but I also remember think I can do this...after all his sister is DEAD and mine is DEAF and I was struggling with the concept of this so to me it was...close...almost...ok not even close... but we shared a deep love of our sisters and his...well...

anyway, I remember him crying...a LOT...and feeling just so incomprehensibly sad...I felt better whenever I got him to smile or "forget himself" and actually laugh...odd (or perhaps not) I am remembering this boy and small segment of my life more so at this time than any other before it...maybe it goes back to the idea of GRIEF is not something we are "taught" or instructed on as it probably should be as it is a VERY IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON we will ALL learn about sooner or later...I know of no society or culture that has a built in "system" of teaching its people about one of our most basic human components...the ability to grieve...

different cultures have different beliefs for what comes next in terms of the deceased...but not for the parent left to live on without their child...there really is no "how to guidebook of"...there are a ton of books out there but each with their own agenda that may or may not actually include helpful information for every individual reader...

the same goes for this blog...it is not for everyone...it is however for ME...mostly and anyone who wants to get some insight into what goes on in the mind of a grieving parent...wether we fucking want it to or NOT...or for some who might be seeking the words to relate to others just what the HELL this does feel like...I write with my FEELINGS...dads aren't supposed to have them I know but...here I am...DEAL WITH IT...or not...

as I grew older I came to understand a bit more fully that when a child dies...there are no words for this...I began early on saying to the rare grieving parent I encountered "I can't imagine what you're going through."...it came to me quite naturally as a reasonable response...not judgmental or condescending...more honest direct and true...and these days when someone says to me "I can't imagine..." ...my response is generally "no you can't...and I hope you never have to know what this is like"...and that also just feels right enough to ME...honest/direct and true...

since my last writing a great many things have come to pass in my now so-called-life...not the least of which has been that there will be a new grandchild in my future which brings with her even more PURE JOY to my troubled heart and mind...in this regard I am luckier than some of my peers and I am PAINFULLY aware of that...though not a grandchild of my blood she will be as Olivia is...a GRANDCHILD of my HEART...and I WILL LOVE THEM NONE THE LESS...ALL THE MORE is more like it...as I've come to learn from our sweet Olivia...

and so that my life should not be any different than anyone else's there is bitter that goes hand in hand with the sweet...I lost a dear and most valued childhood friend earlier in the month of December...just in time for Christmas...he was the one that convinced me to go out to my ex wife's house so I could receive the news he already knew but didn't want to tell me over the phone...that Jason was dead...it was he who held me as I struggled to understand what his mother had said..."he's gone."...he helped me off the floor and propped me up so I could catch my breath and apologize that I resisted so valiantly to NOT make this trip...he along with my future wife Michelle held me tight as the un-realest of reality tried to sink in...we spent many better times afterward reminiscing about our boys growing up and some of the things that made us proudest and smile the most...as well as our frustrations and exasperations of fatherhood...

he listened as I raged and sobbed and spoke of whatever was on my mind in terms of Jason being killed and how it impacts ME directly...and as life would have it...I got to listen to him as he raged and sobbed and spoke about how stage 4 male breast cancer impacted him...a by-product of his recovery efforts at the site of the WTC after 9/11...for him it was a matter of just doing his job as he was an NYPD Officer who lived long enough to retire...just not much longer after...

as kids we were always spending our days model building/walking/ bicycling EVERYWHERE going to movies or just hanging out and cutting each other up in the most humorous of ways as teens do...we spoke of dreams/family relationships and plans for a bright future...as adults we reminisced and laughed our heads off about the fun and crazy times we had together...we grew older/wiser and occasionally cynical of our jobs and the hurdles life threw at us...but together we were still unstoppable and invincible...until...

 Robert (call me Bob) Kaminski I will never forget you...the life experiences we shared and the things we did will always live on in my heart...R.I.P. MY BELOVED FRIEND...I LOVE YOU BOB...

and so...as it happens Life is still dishing out the occasional serving of shit...I find myself grieving not only my Friend...but it exacerbates the grief I am feeling for Jason...they seem to be intertwined in an odd way... memories of Bob bring on the memories of Jason growing up as we would go swimming in his pool and Jason got to watch his dad get silly and boisterous...just as he and his friends would be at their much younger age...I always trued to show him that just because you got older didn't mean you couldn't get your silly on...a concept I am now sharing with Olivia...

one of the things I am currently struggling with is that the older I get I find that I have become and more anxiety ridden...I was never a fan of driving in bad weather but if I had to it wasn't too much of an issue...until about 2 years ago...heavy rains and unfamiliar roads are becoming more problematic for me to navigate...driving in snow...A HORROR-SHOW of ANXIETY and stress...even as a passenger I can't bear to watch what's happening outside the car...feeling it inside the car with my eyes closed is terrifying enough...there are times even in good weather when I'm behind the wheel my mind seems to effortlessly turn to worse case scenarios someone (or me) losing control of their vehicle and having some sort of horrific accident...

I know...you can't live in fear...but I don't know how to turn it OFF...I'm not afraid of leaving the house...or traveling when it's a clear day or raining not so hard but...realistically I live where there is weather...and it has extremes...I'm also not frightened of dying...I'm just NOT in a rush to experience it...

what I find unsettling is that even sitting in my recliner at home watching a movie someone will get on a roller coaster or go bungee jumping or whatever and I'd see the worst possible outcome...even if it doesn't happen in the movie and I get that twinge of panic and start bracing myself...watching car chase movies is ALWAYS an adventure for me...and yet there are times I can handle the flight/flip and roll landing...and sometimes...I just can't...understandable that as how it's how Jason and Chris were killed...the car went airborne then flipped and landed upside down...so...there's that...

then there are days I wake up with a plan to get 2 or more things done during the day and hope to feel good and have a sense of accomplishment...and more often than not I find I "run out of time" because I'm lost in thought about what to do first/next and how to go about it...I then find I've been standing in the same spot for an hour or more not moving (or only in my head) and thinking of Jason and Bob and how I feel about them BOTH being dead and how indescribably SAD I am that I will never see or talk to them again...except in my head and heart...which just is NOT the same as being able to hold and touch and feel hear them right in front of me...

I feel like I'm being tossed around and flipped pushed and shoved and sometimes it just won't STOP... I WANT IT ALL TO JUST GO AWAY...I WANT TO RUN AND KEEP RUNNING UNTIL I CAN'T RUN ANYMORE...I WANT TO SIT QUIETLY UNDISTURBED AND FEEL PEACE AND QUIET WASH OVER ME AND NEVER LEAVE...I WANT TO CRY UNTIL I CAN'T CRY ANYMORE...I WANT TO BE HELD SOOTHED TOLD WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK...AND I WANT TO SCREAM UNTIL I CAN'T SCREAM ANYMORE...AND NO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR GOD OR DIVINE PLANS AND ALL THAT RELIGIOUS HAPPY HORSE SHIT...I WANT MY LIFE BACK...I WANT MY FRIEND BACK...

I WANT JASON BACK MORE THAN ANYTHING...AND YEAH I KNOW...THAT'S NOT HAPPENING...

I JUST WANT THIS SHIT TO STOP...

I know...I should just put it behind me and leave the past in the past...have faith and find peace there...don't dwell on it so much...find a way to move on...this whole grief thing...it's NOT what they would want...so need to get over it...and if that's the extent of your advice folks I got just one response to all these self serving platitudes that make YOU feel better...

FUCK YOU...Jason is MY son and he LIVED and he DIED and I LOVE HIM NOW AND FOREVER...Bob is my friend and I feel the same about him...and...

I WILL NEVER FORGET EITHER ONE OF THEM...OR SHUT OFF MY FEELINGS...

EVER...

so I will just have to keep on living with this...and right now...

I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN...

Here WE go again...

ANGER/ RAGE/ SADNESS/ LONELINESS/ EMPTINESS/ TEARS/ DEPRESSION/ HELPLESSNESS/ HOPELESSNESS/ GUILT/ DEFENSIVE/ COMBATIVE/ DISCONNECTED/ DISPLACED/ OUT OF CONTROL/ OUT OF OUR MINDS...

AH YES, THE HOLIDAYS ARE TOO SOON UPON US...AND SO IS OUR GRIEF...THAT REMAINS NO MATTER THE SEASON

misunderstood by friends and family...they have NO CLUE what we need or want to help us through these difficult days...even if it is only June and the holidays are nowhere in sight...first or fortieth the general consensus is..."IT" doesn't get "better" "IT" gets different and so do WE...if there are any comparisons to be made from MY experience...first IS probably the worst...

WE don't know what to expect of ourselves and each other as friends and family gather near...anticipating the first everything without OUR CHILD is mind blowing...the gift giving/getting/ table settings the empty hollow disembodied floating feeling of "getting through" the day...hoping to NOT have a meltdown and yet wondering who will be the first to offer support in the way YOU want/need it...who will mention their name and what will it bring to the gathering ?...will it set the tone for the rest of the day ?...will everyone ELSE be scared of MY reaction...who gives a shit !?!

OUR CHILD/OUR FEELINGS/OUR ABILITY TO "DEAL"...NOT THEIRS...

we may not be able to "share with the group" among family and friends...so we come here...I would hope that EVERYONE feels comfortable enough to UNLOAD/ DUMP or just plain EXPRESS EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEEL HERE...

IF WE WANTED RELIGION WE'D BE IN CHURCH /IF WE WANTED WARM AND FUZZY POLLYANNA BULLSHIT WE'D KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THOSE IN OUR LIVES WHO ALWAYS HAVE JUST THE RIGHT PLATITUDE FOR OUR ATTITUDE...BUT WE ARE NOT...

WE seek answers or just LISTENERS ELSEWHERE...it's OUR GRIEF...mediums may have something to offer but we should always exercise caution that they are not just telling us what we want to hear...we had a friend visit for a few hours after a few months and she didn't know a thing about us...but she sure hit on quite a bit that didn't feel like parlor tricks...she didn't ask for money and we haven't seen her in years...but yeah...THAT HELPED...the how and why we do what we do that gives us comfort may throw others into a tizzy...but what comforts THEM has a way of doing the same to ME...

MY anger kicks in when they continue to TRY and MAKE ME see their way is the right way and MY way is a highway to HELL…what THEY DON'T see is that when YOUR CHILD DIES...YOU'RE ALREADY IN HELL MOST OF THE TIME...IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER...PROBLEM IS AFTER ALL WE HAVE LEARNED AND ALL WE KNOW...NOBODY KNOWS IF THERE IS A "RIGHT" ANSWER...

I CANNOT BELIEVE IN YOUR "GOD"...FOR ME THE CONTRADICTIONS AND HYPOCRISY OF THOSE WHO TRY TO GOVERN OUR BEHAVIOR BY FEAR AND INTIMIDATION ARE JUST TOO REPULSIVE FOR WORDS...

as my mother was taken ill on a cruise and flown to the Dominican Republic as it had the nearest "hospital"  which, in the end felt more like a place to hold elderly travelers with no understanding of choice HOSTAGE for a ransom payoff before releasing her to fly "home"  to the USA... I had the unpleasant task of booking an emergency flight arriving in the middle of the night in a foreign land where communication was near impossible...for 10 days I felt VERY MUCH ALONE...A STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND TO BE SURE...ISOLATED/ FRUSTRATED AND OVERWHELMED BY A LACK OF BASIC UNDERSTANDING...after much scrambling and negotiating and finally communication that $17k American had indeed been received by the "hospital" they agreed to release her for a trip to the nearest AMERICAN hospital in Florida...

WE ARRIVED IN FLORIDA ON THE 6TH ANNIVERSARY OF JASON'S DEATH...arriving at my new hotel room I quickly collapsed and slept the night away...I awoke the next morning and as I was just about done readying for the long day(s) ahead my phone rang...it was my Beloved wife Michelle...she asked about mom and our flight and how I slept then asked if I'd like to have breakfast with her...I laughed and said it would be great...but we would have to be in the same state at the very least...she then informed me that she was in the lobby of my hotel...

I WAS STUNNED...and when I opened the door and saw her standing there it was like a dream come true...we hugged for a time and then...I COLLAPSED ON THE BED IN TEARS...

I CRIED...I SOBBED...I WAILED...EVERYTHING I WAS FEELING FOR 10 DAYS CAME POURING OUT OF ME...ANGER/FRUSTRATION/SADNESS/LONELINESS/ AND DESPERATION...FLOODING OUT OF ME...

SHE STAYED UNTIL THE NEXT AFTERNOON AND THEN WAS OFF AGAIN...LIFE...WAS CONTINUING FOR REST OF THE WORLD AND SHE NEEDED TO BE IN IT...

just before her flight my cousin and his partner arrived to see my mom for what would be the last time for them alive...his mother was left behind on the cruise ship and had to finish the voyage they began for her birthday alone... 
the next day they too had to leave...that afternoon  my brother and sister arrived and also stayed for 2 days...it was GREAT to see family again and spend time in the hospital NO LONGER ALONE...but once again I was soon left ALONE to make decisions and deal with the isolation and loneliness of being left behind while everyone else was FREE to GO...fortunately a DEAR FRIEND was living an hour away and came for lunch and the next day her and her husband took me to dinner...it was a VERY WELCOME BREAK from the nightmare (for me) that was DR ...

 THEN CAME THURSDAY...AND THE PHONE CALL...I was heading to the hospital when the phone rang and it was a hospital staff member saying the attending physician wanted to see me for a chat...this was it I knew it...FINALLY...
10 days in DR and now 10 days in Florida her getting better/getting worse was about to come and end...but NOT without a few more insults to injury...after our meeting and a few more calls to my brother Luis and Michelle I signed the DNR that my mother requested in her living will that we could not produce to substantiate her wishes...hospice was notified and staff member dispatched to walk me through the process and hold my hand while we waited...

shortly before the end of things another hospital staff member walked in and started fussing with some equipment and was followed by another staff member who asked if I wanted a priest...my response was clear and direct..."NOT FOR ME…FOR HER, YES PLEASE."...it was then the fiddling staffer turned to me and said "you should read the bible cover to cover...it would a great help and comfort"...to which I replied "perhaps one day I will...but NOT TODAY"...she then went on and on about how beneficial SHE found it to be such and was certain I would be pleasantly surprised...I told her I NO LONGER WISHED TO DISCUSS IT and  she was suddenly "finished" with her duties whatever they were and left...shortly thereafter, I was texting back to a childhood friend as death seemed imminent and she too instructed me to "get down on your knees and beg god for forgiveness and her life"...she later apologized as it was her knee-jerk reaction...

now ANGER AND RAGE took over from my earlier feelings of desperate solitude/despair and abandonment...NO MATTER THE EFFORTS OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE...I took a few deep breaths and then a few more...walked around the floor outside her room and then...took care of the last remaining bits of hospital business that was the end of my mother's life....the ordeal for her was almost an entire month long...for me it was 22 days of HELL...

22 DAYS...SEEMINGLY 1 DAY FOR EVERY YEAR OF JASON'S LIFE...AND THAT IS HOW I WILL ALWAYS VIEW MY MOTHER'S DEATH....

THERE WERE NO TRUMPETS/ANGELS/BRIGHT LIGHTS OR BOOMING VOICES "TO CALL HER HOME"...

JUST HER AND I…AND THEN HER BREATHING JUST STOPPED…APPROXIMATELY 2 1/r HOURS AFTER "PULLING THE PLUG"…  


67 DAYS BETWEEN FATHER AND SON DYING…6 YEARS LATER 22 DAYS OF THE  ROLLER-COASTER RIDE FROM HELL RETURNS

ALL I AM LEFT WITH IS THE FEELING THAT I AM NOW "ALL GROWN UP" AS I NOW HAVE NO PARENTS TO TURN TO OR DISAPPOINT...OR MAKE FEEL PROUD WITH WHATEVER I WILL DO IN FUTURE THAT IS GOOD...

I NOW RAGE IN MY SLEEP AT ALLTHE HURTS EVER INFLICTED ON ME SINCE EARLY CHILDHOOD...BOTH REAL AND IMAGINED (I COULD BE WRONG ABOUT SOME OF IT) I LASH OUT WITH GREAT FURIOUS RAGE AT MY TORMENTORS...MY PAST STILL HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY...WHILE MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN A HORROR-SHOW THE EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL SCARS OPEN EVERY NOW AGAIN AND I "BLEED" IN MY SLEEP APPARENTLY...EVEN AT THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF SLIGHTS...I GUESS IT'S THE HOW I'M LEFT TO FEEL OR THE SEEING WITH A CHILD'S EYE...THE ADULT CAN'T REST...IT'S NOT EASY BEING ME...BUT I TELL PEOPLE I'M "FINE"...IT'S EASIER THAN EXPLAINING... 

IT HAS BEEN ONE HELL OF A YEAR...AND I'M STILL HERE...


AND SO IT GOES...

Conversations We Will Never Have...

"you alright ?"..."NO I'M NOT ALRIGHT...and I probably won't be "alright" EVER AGAIN...at least...not the "alright" you mean anyway...I WILL however, be as "alright" as I possibly CAN be."...

but I REALLY DON'T  EXPECT YOU to UNDERSTAND...as we grow older and the people in our lives we care about the most start to disappear from  the physical world...(like that?...quite the euphemism don't ya think ?)...we tend to gather together in groups (family/friends/coworkers) and reminisce/laugh/cry and speak in soft somber tones about the how and why and isn't life just too short/cruel/ unfair or random ?...depending of course, on the age of the Dearly Departed..."the natural progression/order of things is that old dies first and sometimes unexpected...but ok...and when someone's child dies its "tragic" and "must be devastating"...most of us go through the machinations and "get through" the ceremony/pomp and circumstance/rituals related to death and then "move on" to the "daily grind/routine back to normal"...whatever that is...and usually DON'T give it a second thought...

THEN THERE'S THE REST OF US...6 years ago I watched my Dad wither away for 35 days in a hospital bed...I took "the call" from the hospital first thing in the morning to be told first he was dead...I couldn't tell my mother so I handed her the phone...as I heard her response to the information she was being given I "fell apart" but "held on to be there for her" when the call was ended...WE cried together...the family and friends gathered and reminisced and laughed/cried and spoke in soft somber tones about the how and why...and "isn't life just too short/cruel/ unfair andrandom ?"...and we went through the machinations and "got through" the ceremony/pomp and circumstance/rituals related to death and then "moved on" to the "daily grind/routine back to normal"...whatever that is...and usually DIDN'T give it a second thought...it's a conversation we will never have...

EXCEPT THIS WAS DAD...not the PERFECT MAN but he was the PERFECT DAD FOR ME...he was a man...with a good heart and the very best of intentions...to ME he was Superman...and as I grew older he became more of a hero because he was..."just a man"...and that was OK...he came to share his "flaws and weaknesses" and his ability to EXPRESS his PRIDE in us his children and RESPECT as well for the people we became and choices that we made... he didn't always agree with us and he never really had to say...you could see it on his face...he was an easy read on this...he instilled in us an emotional strength that is now seemingly more important than any physical strength...at least for ME...his tolerance for physical pain was a marvel to those who knew him and the doctors who got the rare privilege to treat him...he was never one for doctors...I remember a time he broke his arm in 2 places in the afternoon around 4:30 PM and didn't go to the hospital until after 11 PM and returned at 3:30 AM wearing a cast...BUT THAT WAS POP...

I was NOT surprised when my Dad didn't make it...I had been expecting it almost from the moment I heard he was going into the hospital in the first place...colon cancer...and then there was...

JASON...67 days after my Dad died my one and only son JASON was killed in a car crash
on the Friday night of Memorial Day Weekend...NO, I KNOW YOU CAN'T IMAGINE "IT" UNLESS  YOU HAVE LIVED "IT" FIRSTHAND...

it's NOT an "experience" for everyone...I don't know "how I do "it" or how "it" affects anyone else...I do know that aside from the pain and heartache and the occasional feeling of being tortured daily by just the knowing he is dead, I can and have and will continue to have, images of the details I know and the what I can only imagine his last moments might have been like run through my head at any given moment and for no "apparent reason"...YOU TRY living like this EVERY SINGLE DAY and NOT be a bit "off" from time to time...I certainly DON'T recommend it as a lifestyle choice...however, the alternative...is NOT an option for me...does that make me a lousy parent?...I can't count the times I've heard from the "uninitiated" "I'd kill myself if that happened to me"...now I'm perceived as "distant/removed/more serious/less open/odd/different/changed"...

REALLY !?! CHANGED !?...IMAGINE THAT !!!...JASON IS DEAD AT THE AGE OF 22 AND I'M "CHANGED"...WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME !? ...

but I digress...I have learned in these last 6 years that you can't please everyone and people are afraid to mention JASON'S NAME or REMEMBER JASON in front of me or just plain don't know how to just "be" around me even when I'm NOT falling apart...what I DON'T UNDERSTAND is what the FUCK is so SCAREY about me "losing it" over the death of JASON ?...I DON'T do it all the time...and if I do...WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU EXPECT OF ME?!? HE IS MY SON !!!...

while I'm NOT ALWAYS laughing and joking and smiling EVERY minute of EVERY day...NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE...so WHY is it "DIFFERENT" for ME...or ANY GRIEVING PARENT ?...if we talk about Jason and I smile the entire time YOU feel good that I must be “getting better"... but if I cry "it's a shame "he can't get over it"...I MEAN SERIOUSLY ?...WTF ?...

"well I don't know what to do when you fall apart"...how about...oh I don't know....GIVE ME A GODDAMN HUG/HAND ME A BOX OF FUCKING TISSUES/LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK !!!...HOLD ME IN MY SILENCE...JUST FUCKING "BE" WITH ME...and yet...another...conversation we will never have...

again I digress...

6 YEARS LATER...Mom decides to take a cruise to celebrate a Favorite Cousin's birthday...
6 days in she gets pneumonia...the ship's doctor in the infirmary can no longer give her the long term care she requires after 2 days of treatment...she needs to be transported by plane to a nearby hospital...the ship is in port in Haiti...yeah...the nearest "best" hospital is in the Dominican Republic...yeah...

22 days of hospital stays and me flying down to be with her first in DR and then fly with her to Ft. Lauderdale...10 days of having staff NOT understand a word you say and me NOT understanding a word THEY say and then the ups and downs of "she's getting better but not so much" in English...knowing in my heart of hearts what the "final" outcome will be but trying to keep a "happy face" on it for everyone else was just pure HELL...trying to keep everyone informed and holding it together was a whole new experience in pain and loneliness as my brother and my wife were only voices or text messages until we could actually be physically together... but BOTH were there for ME as best they could be...and as for the isolation...it helped (like I needed it) bring back thoughts of the whole "JASON/POP EXPERIENCES" to the forefront of my mind...when I "fell apart" during this time I was mostly alone and fortunately (or un) the first time I did Michelle had flown down to be with me...just seeing her was...EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING...and I was CONSUMED...although brief, her stay with me was the fortification my soul needed...

I am FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR MICHELLE feeling as she did, the NEED to be with me not only for the time that it was...but for helping me through what was the 6 year anniversary of JASON"S death...  

yeah...Mom thought I needed to occupy my mind with other things, so we flew into Ft. Lauderdale even as the first moments of May 26, 2012 were hitting the East Coast...

oddly...I HADN'T FORGOTTEN WHAT DAY IT WAS...even sitting behind Mom on a gurney on the air ambulance that brought us (mostly) home...

then, 10 days later another flight...another funeral...thankfully she had the whole thing planned out for us kids...there was very little for us to "do"...except be there for each other...and we were...from the first day...May 16th to the very last...June 7, 2012...and beyond into the future...

and NOW...I find I'm in yet another place...no longer having a parent to call and talk about my day/things we are doing or planning for our future/what PURE JOY our granddaughter Olivia is bringing us with the things she is now able to say and do...my niece is getting married in November and it will be the "first" occasion for her and us as a family to be together and share a future  and the happiness of such an event...but we "continue on"...being as happy as I can be with just a hint and sometimes a sledgehammer blow of "what might have been"...but that's a conversation we will never have...

while my work location has changed and the level of MORON has been drastically reduced from my daily interactions throughout my workday, I find a return (unwillingly) to some greater exposure to current event "new" stories that trigger the pain and sadness a bit interesting and unsettling at the same time...a mixed bag that I can fortunately indulge or pass on almost at will...but I can still be "greatly agitated" by a careless/thoughtless (or is it mindless ?) remark from a short term visitor...."I'm not leaving a will with anything for my kids fuck 'em...I wiped their asses for 40-50 years and I gotta do it again when I'm dead ?!? Fuck 'em let them work for it like I did."....just kinda makes me wanna say something like...

REALLY !? FUCKO !!!...COME BACK AND TELL ME THAT WHEN ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN IS DEAD...I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THAT KIND OF DUMBASS STATEMENT !!!...

but I digress...perhaps I'm just being "overly sensitive"...

ALL THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I WISH I COULD SHARE WITH ANYONE ELSE...OR JUST WITH...

JASON...

but it's just... 

another conversation we will never have...

so I just walk away...