"I Love You." - "I Love You Too."...for some reason, it feels like just in that moment, there I was giving an extra long look after him as he drove up the path away from me...or perhaps it's the way I want to remember it...
NO !...I really did hold my gaze towards the car pulling away from me...that last time...
Jason had come to be with the family in Staten Island for Easter Sunday April 23, 2006...
that was the last time I saw my only child ALIVE...did I somehow know?...did he?...either way we both went on with our lives pretty much as we had before...no real plan to see each other on a specific date and time...he lived his life and I lived mine...the only significant difference is that 10 days earlier we were enjoying a night in the city as father and son and 2 adult men with enough of a past to be completely comfortable with each other...we had met for dinner @ Planet Hollywood in Manhattan and went to see Spamalot...Jason's one and only play...we spoke of adult topics and acted like 2 kids from time to time...we had a great time...which only lent itself to my appreciation to watch my son socialize so much more at this, our last family gathering where our blended family was showing more cohesion that did not go unnoticed...
One month later came the phone call that changed EVERYTHING and ME...FOREVER...
It's then you realize that no matter what you thought, hearing that your only child has been killed is so much MORE DEVASTATING than you can ever imagine...just as you think you have a handle on this worst of all possible news you come to find out that a "Holiday" can be an incredibly torturous thing...an autopsy is mandatory in a motor vehicle "accident" result in fatalities...only problem is, at the beginning of "Holiday" weekend the whole process gets put on hold for 3 days...so from Friday night until Tuesday you get to do everything in the way of making funeral arrangements...only then when all is put into place you still have to wait on "the body"...being Jason and his friend Chris were killed upstate, we had to wait an additional day for "transport"...it's then you realize your vocabulary has just begun to become expanded in ways you never thought possible...
the gathering begins and so does the parade...the people and chatter that surround such events and with each new arrival comes another TSUNAMI of PAIN AND ANGUISH...everyone trying to determine the how? and why? and are you ok? (what a STUPID ASS FUCKING QUESTION) and is there anything I can do to help? oh, I don't know, what did you have in mind...a RESURRECTION?...because I could surely go for one of those...
the problem is that we don't know what anyone can do for us at this time...and sadly, anytime after...
how do you put into words that the only REAL thing although NOT REALISTIC is to give my son his LIFE BACK...aside from that there really isn't a whole lot to do but to KEEP CHECKING IN ON US TO SEE THAT WE ARE TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES A LITTLE BETTER...you tend to forget or not have the desire to EAT/SHAVE/SHOWER/GO ANYWHERE...it's then you realize...you don't socialize well anymore (if you ever did before)...people tell you that you have changed...talk about an understatement...suddenly those around you start to return to their "normal" everyday lives/routines...which you can't blame them or be hurt by it, it's only natural...there is no fault or guilt to be assigned when they do...we try and struggle harder than anyone can imagine, to go on and try to return to a "normal" everyday routine as best we can...we get lost in the memories of a life that has passed and our past lives...
sleeping is usually not an option, just like not being able to complete a thought...or conversation...some of us try to come to terms with being made to be the ONLY parent at the funeral home to decide the where/when and how the sideshow will be presented...what kind of wood for the coffin? which mass card/burial or cremation?...etc... soon you begin to change the verbiage to describe "manner of death"...this you learn from the DA's office and the county morgue's office and the state troopers whose first names you now know and address them by...you await blood alcohol test results to see that no drugs or alcohol were part of the cause of "the crash" as you are now calling it...in the meantime, you find it necessary to retain an attorney because like it or not, as distasteful as it is to say the very least. there is money to be made yet (for others because it doesn't bring them back so who cares?)...there are charges brought / a trial held and a determination made...while you don't get Jason's life restored, there is a monetary sum that it's somebody's job is to actually sit down and determine exactly how much a 22 year old human life is worth...
while you are busy trying to wrap your head around all this, you find yourself having the most absurd conversations in and out of your own head...like 3 days after the services your boss calls to ask...why are you not at work?...or when you do return, why you are still hosing down the outside after 3 hours?...you lose time/you lose the ability to control your thoughts you lose the motivation and the will power to do much of anything...your thoughts become erratic, totally out of control, a freight train running through your head with tremendous abandon...and seemingly a mind of their own...your thoughts turn dark...even for you... then you wonder how or why you came to think such things after the ultimate unthinkable happens...another phone call another anxiety attack...yet another day you leave work early because you just can't be there and do "this" (have this runaway train have it's way with you yet again and "work" at the same time) but before you go you call the attorney back to clarify...yes, mediate is another addition to your ever increasing vocabulary, just as "grieving or bereaved parent"/car "crash" and the ever popular "died" NOT "LOST" when speaking about the "tragedy"...not to mention the phrase "he was banged up pretty good" and "he was a mess" taking turns running through every now and again...
and then you realize...you're about to be clobbered again out of left field because there is another TSUNAMI on the horizon...you arrive at the attorney's office to hear that your ex-spouse seems to feel ENTITLED to more of the settlement money because she, after Jason moved back in with her to help her out for the last 2 years of his life "HAD TO FEED HIM" and so I should help defray the cost of his "FOOD BILL"...but I try not to retain my anger over such an argument because I realize she was right..."HE ATE LIKE A HORSE"...in her words, in the attorney's office with him present by the way...
MOVING ON, because dwelling on such things doesn't do any good...SLOWLY...you begin to notice that you and "it" are NOT getting "BETTER"...but you and things are getting DIFFERENT...there are times you find yourself, years later, still only hearing blah blah blah when somebody is talking to you...the words still have no depth or meaning it all just sounds like noises...even when you decipher
them they don't seem real...like an entirely different language is being spoken to you...what used to be of the utmost importance to you no longer matters...things you used think you couldn't do without, you find you can...things you never thought important...suddenly are...like some of Jason's toys or movies or little action figures...you adjust...
and then you realize...you no longer have the drive/heart or passion to...clean toilets...and offices of those who appreciate nothing and respect even less...people who spend the bulk of their time indulging in the pleasures (for them) of all forms of public humiliation just so they can feel better about their miserable little lives and themselves...they spend their day criticizing and ridiculing their "staff" or people they THINK they are in charge of and then wonder why NOBODY wants to pitch in and help when it's go time...I seem to excel at IRRITATING them ALMOST as much as they irritate me when I point out they are not "in charge" of me...some even laugh then until the realization hits them that they too suffer from the same malady as others before them...EVERYONE wants to be "in charge" of me...but NONE want to be responsible FOR me...fortunately, for me , I know what my job is and what I am "supposed" to do...after 21 years I think I almost have the hang of it too...the rules have changed since the time I started in this job and I had nothing to do with it, but when they see me doing something "outside" my job parameters they quickly jump on it to try and "correct" my actions...but then when they NEED someone to do something I am NOT "supposed" to do who do you think they ask to do it?...and then get indignant when I say no...
and so it goes...I have now come to a point in MY LIFE that I feel the need to make certain changes for me, that should be for the better...
I have noticed that so many seem to forget who I am and what has happened in my life that is still NOT insignificant to ME...I have not watched the news on purpose, in the last 5 years to keep track of all the recently dead and don't NEED to hear about the latest update or body count...so thank you for NOT sharing...NO I DON'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT THE NEAR FATAL ACCIDENTS YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS HAVE JUST RECENTLY AVERTED or even those from years ago...I DON'T NEED TO RELIVE IT WITH YOU...I don't really care much about political party BULLSHIT OR RHETORIC...I am trying to live a more sedate peaceful life from day to day...SCREAMING AT ME ISN'T GOING TO SAVE THE COUNTRY OR THE PLANET THANK YOU VERY MUCH...SAME GOES FOR ORGANIZED RELIGION...KEEP IT TO YOURSELF...IF IT COMFORTS YOU...GREAT...JUST DON'T TRY TO SHOVE IT DOWN MY THROAT OR UP MY ASS LIKE SO MUCH SUNSHINE...
I have managed to remain a relatively simple man trying to lead a relatively simple life...yes, there have been changes and if friends and family don't like it then they don't have to deal with it or me...they all have the option of doing what they want and leaving me to do what I want...if it means we don't talk or see each other it's not entirely my decision or my choice...I think we can agree to disagree and STILL be social...I don't expect them to change and they shouldn't expect me to either...and if they can't accept the changes I do make, oh well, I don't see anyone seeking MY approval...and I WON'T be seeking theirs...
I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME...
I UNDERSTAND THERE ARE NO CLASSES OR COURSES FOR DEALING WITH A SURVIVING PARENT BUT IF ANYONE WANTS TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE THE RULES ARE SIMPLE...FOR ME:
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS LISTEN WHEN I TALK... EVEN IF I RAMBLE...
IF I AM QUIET THEN BE QUIET WITH ME...IF I WITHDRAW I AM MORE THAN LIKELY HAVING A JASON MOMENT...IF SO LET ME HAVE IT...IF I CRY...SO WHAT ...LET ME...I'LL BE DONE SOON...JUST HAND ME A TISSUE...IF I MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE...THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL...YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH A HUG....
I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD AND I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN...
I can now look to the future with HOPE...because there is a New Light In My Life...
and her name is...
OLIVIA...
She is the grandchild I never would have guessed I'd have...
She is PURE JOY...her arrival in my life is bittersweet because while she may conjure up memories that may make me sad or cry...she will also be giving me new memories of a new Life with new promise and new adventures on the horizon...I expect we will teach each other things...she will teach me the ways of little girls and the laughter and smiles and tears that go along with them and I will teach her...I guess we're gonna have to what see what that might be...because right now I am clueless as to what that might be...unless you count what it means for her to be LOVED so very much by her one and only...GRUMPS...as I will be known to her... she will also know her Uncle Jason because I am not afraid to SPEAK HIS NAME...she may be only 3 weeks old but without a doubt she is one of the top 3 of:
BEST PEOPLE THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME...
I look forward to many, many happy years with Olivia in my life...
and then you realize...
I CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN...THANK YOU OLIVIA...
I LOVE YOU...
NO !...I really did hold my gaze towards the car pulling away from me...that last time...
Jason had come to be with the family in Staten Island for Easter Sunday April 23, 2006...
that was the last time I saw my only child ALIVE...did I somehow know?...did he?...either way we both went on with our lives pretty much as we had before...no real plan to see each other on a specific date and time...he lived his life and I lived mine...the only significant difference is that 10 days earlier we were enjoying a night in the city as father and son and 2 adult men with enough of a past to be completely comfortable with each other...we had met for dinner @ Planet Hollywood in Manhattan and went to see Spamalot...Jason's one and only play...we spoke of adult topics and acted like 2 kids from time to time...we had a great time...which only lent itself to my appreciation to watch my son socialize so much more at this, our last family gathering where our blended family was showing more cohesion that did not go unnoticed...
One month later came the phone call that changed EVERYTHING and ME...FOREVER...
It's then you realize that no matter what you thought, hearing that your only child has been killed is so much MORE DEVASTATING than you can ever imagine...just as you think you have a handle on this worst of all possible news you come to find out that a "Holiday" can be an incredibly torturous thing...an autopsy is mandatory in a motor vehicle "accident" result in fatalities...only problem is, at the beginning of "Holiday" weekend the whole process gets put on hold for 3 days...so from Friday night until Tuesday you get to do everything in the way of making funeral arrangements...only then when all is put into place you still have to wait on "the body"...being Jason and his friend Chris were killed upstate, we had to wait an additional day for "transport"...it's then you realize your vocabulary has just begun to become expanded in ways you never thought possible...
the gathering begins and so does the parade...the people and chatter that surround such events and with each new arrival comes another TSUNAMI of PAIN AND ANGUISH...everyone trying to determine the how? and why? and are you ok? (what a STUPID ASS FUCKING QUESTION) and is there anything I can do to help? oh, I don't know, what did you have in mind...a RESURRECTION?...because I could surely go for one of those...
the problem is that we don't know what anyone can do for us at this time...and sadly, anytime after...
how do you put into words that the only REAL thing although NOT REALISTIC is to give my son his LIFE BACK...aside from that there really isn't a whole lot to do but to KEEP CHECKING IN ON US TO SEE THAT WE ARE TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES A LITTLE BETTER...you tend to forget or not have the desire to EAT/SHAVE/SHOWER/GO ANYWHERE...it's then you realize...you don't socialize well anymore (if you ever did before)...people tell you that you have changed...talk about an understatement...suddenly those around you start to return to their "normal" everyday lives/routines...which you can't blame them or be hurt by it, it's only natural...there is no fault or guilt to be assigned when they do...we try and struggle harder than anyone can imagine, to go on and try to return to a "normal" everyday routine as best we can...we get lost in the memories of a life that has passed and our past lives...
sleeping is usually not an option, just like not being able to complete a thought...or conversation...some of us try to come to terms with being made to be the ONLY parent at the funeral home to decide the where/when and how the sideshow will be presented...what kind of wood for the coffin? which mass card/burial or cremation?...etc... soon you begin to change the verbiage to describe "manner of death"...this you learn from the DA's office and the county morgue's office and the state troopers whose first names you now know and address them by...you await blood alcohol test results to see that no drugs or alcohol were part of the cause of "the crash" as you are now calling it...in the meantime, you find it necessary to retain an attorney because like it or not, as distasteful as it is to say the very least. there is money to be made yet (for others because it doesn't bring them back so who cares?)...there are charges brought / a trial held and a determination made...while you don't get Jason's life restored, there is a monetary sum that it's somebody's job is to actually sit down and determine exactly how much a 22 year old human life is worth...
while you are busy trying to wrap your head around all this, you find yourself having the most absurd conversations in and out of your own head...like 3 days after the services your boss calls to ask...why are you not at work?...or when you do return, why you are still hosing down the outside after 3 hours?...you lose time/you lose the ability to control your thoughts you lose the motivation and the will power to do much of anything...your thoughts become erratic, totally out of control, a freight train running through your head with tremendous abandon...and seemingly a mind of their own...your thoughts turn dark...even for you... then you wonder how or why you came to think such things after the ultimate unthinkable happens...another phone call another anxiety attack...yet another day you leave work early because you just can't be there and do "this" (have this runaway train have it's way with you yet again and "work" at the same time) but before you go you call the attorney back to clarify...yes, mediate is another addition to your ever increasing vocabulary, just as "grieving or bereaved parent"/car "crash" and the ever popular "died" NOT "LOST" when speaking about the "tragedy"...not to mention the phrase "he was banged up pretty good" and "he was a mess" taking turns running through every now and again...
and then you realize...you're about to be clobbered again out of left field because there is another TSUNAMI on the horizon...you arrive at the attorney's office to hear that your ex-spouse seems to feel ENTITLED to more of the settlement money because she, after Jason moved back in with her to help her out for the last 2 years of his life "HAD TO FEED HIM" and so I should help defray the cost of his "FOOD BILL"...but I try not to retain my anger over such an argument because I realize she was right..."HE ATE LIKE A HORSE"...in her words, in the attorney's office with him present by the way...
MOVING ON, because dwelling on such things doesn't do any good...SLOWLY...you begin to notice that you and "it" are NOT getting "BETTER"...but you and things are getting DIFFERENT...there are times you find yourself, years later, still only hearing blah blah blah when somebody is talking to you...the words still have no depth or meaning it all just sounds like noises...even when you decipher
them they don't seem real...like an entirely different language is being spoken to you...what used to be of the utmost importance to you no longer matters...things you used think you couldn't do without, you find you can...things you never thought important...suddenly are...like some of Jason's toys or movies or little action figures...you adjust...
and then you realize...you no longer have the drive/heart or passion to...clean toilets...and offices of those who appreciate nothing and respect even less...people who spend the bulk of their time indulging in the pleasures (for them) of all forms of public humiliation just so they can feel better about their miserable little lives and themselves...they spend their day criticizing and ridiculing their "staff" or people they THINK they are in charge of and then wonder why NOBODY wants to pitch in and help when it's go time...I seem to excel at IRRITATING them ALMOST as much as they irritate me when I point out they are not "in charge" of me...some even laugh then until the realization hits them that they too suffer from the same malady as others before them...EVERYONE wants to be "in charge" of me...but NONE want to be responsible FOR me...fortunately, for me , I know what my job is and what I am "supposed" to do...after 21 years I think I almost have the hang of it too...the rules have changed since the time I started in this job and I had nothing to do with it, but when they see me doing something "outside" my job parameters they quickly jump on it to try and "correct" my actions...but then when they NEED someone to do something I am NOT "supposed" to do who do you think they ask to do it?...and then get indignant when I say no...
and so it goes...I have now come to a point in MY LIFE that I feel the need to make certain changes for me, that should be for the better...
I have noticed that so many seem to forget who I am and what has happened in my life that is still NOT insignificant to ME...I have not watched the news on purpose, in the last 5 years to keep track of all the recently dead and don't NEED to hear about the latest update or body count...so thank you for NOT sharing...NO I DON'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT THE NEAR FATAL ACCIDENTS YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS HAVE JUST RECENTLY AVERTED or even those from years ago...I DON'T NEED TO RELIVE IT WITH YOU...I don't really care much about political party BULLSHIT OR RHETORIC...I am trying to live a more sedate peaceful life from day to day...SCREAMING AT ME ISN'T GOING TO SAVE THE COUNTRY OR THE PLANET THANK YOU VERY MUCH...SAME GOES FOR ORGANIZED RELIGION...KEEP IT TO YOURSELF...IF IT COMFORTS YOU...GREAT...JUST DON'T TRY TO SHOVE IT DOWN MY THROAT OR UP MY ASS LIKE SO MUCH SUNSHINE...
I have managed to remain a relatively simple man trying to lead a relatively simple life...yes, there have been changes and if friends and family don't like it then they don't have to deal with it or me...they all have the option of doing what they want and leaving me to do what I want...if it means we don't talk or see each other it's not entirely my decision or my choice...I think we can agree to disagree and STILL be social...I don't expect them to change and they shouldn't expect me to either...and if they can't accept the changes I do make, oh well, I don't see anyone seeking MY approval...and I WON'T be seeking theirs...
I NEED TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME...
I UNDERSTAND THERE ARE NO CLASSES OR COURSES FOR DEALING WITH A SURVIVING PARENT BUT IF ANYONE WANTS TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE THE RULES ARE SIMPLE...FOR ME:
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS LISTEN WHEN I TALK... EVEN IF I RAMBLE...
IF I AM QUIET THEN BE QUIET WITH ME...IF I WITHDRAW I AM MORE THAN LIKELY HAVING A JASON MOMENT...IF SO LET ME HAVE IT...IF I CRY...SO WHAT ...LET ME...I'LL BE DONE SOON...JUST HAND ME A TISSUE...IF I MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE...THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL...YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH A HUG....
I NEED TO MOVE FORWARD AND I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN...
I can now look to the future with HOPE...because there is a New Light In My Life...
and her name is...
OLIVIA...
She is the grandchild I never would have guessed I'd have...
She is PURE JOY...her arrival in my life is bittersweet because while she may conjure up memories that may make me sad or cry...she will also be giving me new memories of a new Life with new promise and new adventures on the horizon...I expect we will teach each other things...she will teach me the ways of little girls and the laughter and smiles and tears that go along with them and I will teach her...I guess we're gonna have to what see what that might be...because right now I am clueless as to what that might be...unless you count what it means for her to be LOVED so very much by her one and only...GRUMPS...as I will be known to her... she will also know her Uncle Jason because I am not afraid to SPEAK HIS NAME...she may be only 3 weeks old but without a doubt she is one of the top 3 of:
BEST PEOPLE THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME...
I look forward to many, many happy years with Olivia in my life...
and then you realize...
I CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN...THANK YOU OLIVIA...
I LOVE YOU...
