Ever Had A Life Depend On You?

If you know what being responsible for and caring for a life that depends entirely on you, be it human or otherwise, take a moment and consider what you do or give up, just so their heart can keep beating and they can continue to bring you joy.

The Life could be that of a favorite pet or woodland creatures you encounter and feed and nurture and look forward to interacting with in your daily routine. The Life that touches yours and warms your heart and gives you such pleasant memories.

A Life that makes you sad when a day or more goes by without you being together. When those days happen it turns out, it's a Life you really miss, no matter how short a time apart. Then you begin to wonder if everything is alright, though time and distance keeps you from knowing right away.
You begin to realize that as much as this Life depends on your time together for whatever reason, you too have come to depend on it being a part of your Life. Then you notice how sad you are because the more you try to arrange things differently, LIFE gets in the way of your being together.
Suddenly, as you are able to come together once again you notice, this Life managed alright without you. You are happy to see this Life survive on it's own for a time. Yet, you still long to be together. You know you'd be happier for more time together.
Now THINK...that you are one day told this Life is NO LONGER AVAILABLE TO SHARE WITH YOU...
THINK how it might FEEL to be made to think by everyone around you, that it would be BEST FOR YOU to NEVER think about or TALK about this Life that touched yours so deeply. YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS LIFE EVER AGAIN...because it makes others "feel uncomfortable" and SAD.
Now spend the rest of YOUR LIFE NOT talking about your greatest joy and the best part of your Life...and then tell me how great FOREVER feels without this LIFE IN YOURS...

NOW IMAGINE...IT'S YOUR OWN CHILD...

In Loving Memory of Jason Anthony Longueira
04.14.84 - 05.26.06

DEATH...IT CHANGES A PERSON...

so very HARD to focus on just one thought these days...so much has happened this past year and so much nothing right along with it...just a quick synopsis of the last 18 plus months...I retired from a city job which had it's ups and downs like most any job...the downs still seem to haunt me in my dreams as I tend to do battle (mostly vocally) but also physically as I thrash and kick and swing in my sleep at those who wish to do me harm...unfortunately my long suffering wife is beside me to occasionally take a hit as I lash out...

Retiring in March and moving in April 2 states over from NY to Pa was supposed to calm and relax and destress me as I acclimated to my new surroundings...putting distance between me and the hustle and bustle and stresses of every day life that city dwelling has a way of amplifying even for something as simple as a trip to the supermarket...the selfish and entitled ATTITUDE of my fellow "human beings" was being amped up seemingly with each passing day...instead it led to extensive travel just to get my aforementioned wife to and from the airport as she travels regularly/weekly out of state for work...and then the ISOLATION set in along with the winter...

while it was a new and interesting adventure plowing a 2-3 ft snowfall out of our extended circular driveway the reality was once it was plowed...where was I going ?...it's not like you can just jump in the car and 10 minutes later be sitting with the family or friends to see how they fared with winter storms or if they needed help...fortunately there were no family emergencies for us and we managed to get through winter just in time to realize...we DIDN'T want to try another one so far away or discover any natural or un disasters to the house due to another winter storm thank you very much...so here we are 45 minutes away from our loved ones in an area where storms and power outages and the like are few and far between...and YES...we are much happier for it...

what remains are the ongoing battles though seemingly diminished a bit for the time being and the random sometimes horrifying thoughts that still go on in my head...

SINCE JASON DIED...AND BY THE WAY YES HE IS STILL DEAD...THANKS FOR ASKING...I am feeling too much like the quote from Edgar Allen Poe...

"I REMAINED TOO MUCH INSIDE MY HEAD AND ENDED UP LOSING MY MIND"...

the things I remember growing up are hitting me frequently and quite randomly and with no real rhyme or reason...like the time I attended a summer camp 2 summers in a row and while there were mostly fun times (being 11 and unencumbered by family policies and restrictions) like being able to  go horseback riding and canoeing (mostly because we didn't have a horse growing up in Brooklyn let alone a canoe) and for some reason mom and dad would laugh at the suggestion that we get one...I managed to learn a few things about myself...some good and others not so much...but then I was 11 & 12 so cut me some slack...I remember the first experience more for the 2 most profound experiences of my young life...

the first (actually today they can easily be reversed) was the fact that during my stay we would be watching LIVE AS IT HAPPENED...the very first Moon Landing on July 20 1969... 
THAT was very exciting...and the other...not quite as auspicious...

I was buddied up with a young boy who just experienced his younger sister dying and he was "DEEP IN HIS GRIEF"...

I don't know why but it has taken me quite some time since Jason was killed in a car crash along with his friend Chris, at the hands of yet another friend who survived the crash and lives on to this day...to remember the boy Frank who was my "responsibility" for our 2 weeks in the fresh air and sunshine of fun time summer camp...I remember being asked by my counselor if I could just be there for him and distract him and keep him occupied so he can manage some form of fun for his/our stay...even writing this now I am recalling that we wrote each other at least once when we got home...and that was the extent of being "friends for life" at the age of 11...but I remember thinking how horrible this must be for him and I'm sure no matter how bad I think it is for me that it must be a gajillion times worse for him...little did I know then...but I also remember think I can do this...after all his sister is DEAD and mine is DEAF and I was struggling with the concept of this so to me it was...close...almost...ok not even close... but we shared a deep love of our sisters and his...well...

anyway, I remember him crying...a LOT...and feeling just so incomprehensibly sad...I felt better whenever I got him to smile or "forget himself" and actually laugh...odd (or perhaps not) I am remembering this boy and small segment of my life more so at this time than any other before it...maybe it goes back to the idea of GRIEF is not something we are "taught" or instructed on as it probably should be as it is a VERY IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON we will ALL learn about sooner or later...I know of no society or culture that has a built in "system" of teaching its people about one of our most basic human components...the ability to grieve...

different cultures have different beliefs for what comes next in terms of the deceased...but not for the parent left to live on without their child...there really is no "how to guidebook of"...there are a ton of books out there but each with their own agenda that may or may not actually include helpful information for every individual reader...

the same goes for this blog...it is not for everyone...it is however for ME...mostly and anyone who wants to get some insight into what goes on in the mind of a grieving parent...wether we fucking want it to or NOT...or for some who might be seeking the words to relate to others just what the HELL this does feel like...I write with my FEELINGS...dads aren't supposed to have them I know but...here I am...DEAL WITH IT...or not...

as I grew older I came to understand a bit more fully that when a child dies...there are no words for this...I began early on saying to the rare grieving parent I encountered "I can't imagine what you're going through."...it came to me quite naturally as a reasonable response...not judgmental or condescending...more honest direct and true...and these days when someone says to me "I can't imagine..." ...my response is generally "no you can't...and I hope you never have to know what this is like"...and that also just feels right enough to ME...honest/direct and true...

since my last writing a great many things have come to pass in my now so-called-life...not the least of which has been that there will be a new grandchild in my future which brings with her even more PURE JOY to my troubled heart and mind...in this regard I am luckier than some of my peers and I am PAINFULLY aware of that...though not a grandchild of my blood she will be as Olivia is...a GRANDCHILD of my HEART...and I WILL LOVE THEM NONE THE LESS...ALL THE MORE is more like it...as I've come to learn from our sweet Olivia...

and so that my life should not be any different than anyone else's there is bitter that goes hand in hand with the sweet...I lost a dear and most valued childhood friend earlier in the month of December...just in time for Christmas...he was the one that convinced me to go out to my ex wife's house so I could receive the news he already knew but didn't want to tell me over the phone...that Jason was dead...it was he who held me as I struggled to understand what his mother had said..."he's gone."...he helped me off the floor and propped me up so I could catch my breath and apologize that I resisted so valiantly to NOT make this trip...he along with my future wife Michelle held me tight as the un-realest of reality tried to sink in...we spent many better times afterward reminiscing about our boys growing up and some of the things that made us proudest and smile the most...as well as our frustrations and exasperations of fatherhood...

he listened as I raged and sobbed and spoke of whatever was on my mind in terms of Jason being killed and how it impacts ME directly...and as life would have it...I got to listen to him as he raged and sobbed and spoke about how stage 4 male breast cancer impacted him...a by-product of his recovery efforts at the site of the WTC after 9/11...for him it was a matter of just doing his job as he was an NYPD Officer who lived long enough to retire...just not much longer after...

as kids we were always spending our days model building/walking/ bicycling EVERYWHERE going to movies or just hanging out and cutting each other up in the most humorous of ways as teens do...we spoke of dreams/family relationships and plans for a bright future...as adults we reminisced and laughed our heads off about the fun and crazy times we had together...we grew older/wiser and occasionally cynical of our jobs and the hurdles life threw at us...but together we were still unstoppable and invincible...until...

 Robert (call me Bob) Kaminski I will never forget you...the life experiences we shared and the things we did will always live on in my heart...R.I.P. MY BELOVED FRIEND...I LOVE YOU BOB...

and so...as it happens Life is still dishing out the occasional serving of shit...I find myself grieving not only my Friend...but it exacerbates the grief I am feeling for Jason...they seem to be intertwined in an odd way... memories of Bob bring on the memories of Jason growing up as we would go swimming in his pool and Jason got to watch his dad get silly and boisterous...just as he and his friends would be at their much younger age...I always trued to show him that just because you got older didn't mean you couldn't get your silly on...a concept I am now sharing with Olivia...

one of the things I am currently struggling with is that the older I get I find that I have become and more anxiety ridden...I was never a fan of driving in bad weather but if I had to it wasn't too much of an issue...until about 2 years ago...heavy rains and unfamiliar roads are becoming more problematic for me to navigate...driving in snow...A HORROR-SHOW of ANXIETY and stress...even as a passenger I can't bear to watch what's happening outside the car...feeling it inside the car with my eyes closed is terrifying enough...there are times even in good weather when I'm behind the wheel my mind seems to effortlessly turn to worse case scenarios someone (or me) losing control of their vehicle and having some sort of horrific accident...

I know...you can't live in fear...but I don't know how to turn it OFF...I'm not afraid of leaving the house...or traveling when it's a clear day or raining not so hard but...realistically I live where there is weather...and it has extremes...I'm also not frightened of dying...I'm just NOT in a rush to experience it...

what I find unsettling is that even sitting in my recliner at home watching a movie someone will get on a roller coaster or go bungee jumping or whatever and I'd see the worst possible outcome...even if it doesn't happen in the movie and I get that twinge of panic and start bracing myself...watching car chase movies is ALWAYS an adventure for me...and yet there are times I can handle the flight/flip and roll landing...and sometimes...I just can't...understandable that as how it's how Jason and Chris were killed...the car went airborne then flipped and landed upside down...so...there's that...

then there are days I wake up with a plan to get 2 or more things done during the day and hope to feel good and have a sense of accomplishment...and more often than not I find I "run out of time" because I'm lost in thought about what to do first/next and how to go about it...I then find I've been standing in the same spot for an hour or more not moving (or only in my head) and thinking of Jason and Bob and how I feel about them BOTH being dead and how indescribably SAD I am that I will never see or talk to them again...except in my head and heart...which just is NOT the same as being able to hold and touch and feel hear them right in front of me...

I feel like I'm being tossed around and flipped pushed and shoved and sometimes it just won't STOP... I WANT IT ALL TO JUST GO AWAY...I WANT TO RUN AND KEEP RUNNING UNTIL I CAN'T RUN ANYMORE...I WANT TO SIT QUIETLY UNDISTURBED AND FEEL PEACE AND QUIET WASH OVER ME AND NEVER LEAVE...I WANT TO CRY UNTIL I CAN'T CRY ANYMORE...I WANT TO BE HELD SOOTHED TOLD WITH ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY THAT IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK...AND I WANT TO SCREAM UNTIL I CAN'T SCREAM ANYMORE...AND NO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR GOD OR DIVINE PLANS AND ALL THAT RELIGIOUS HAPPY HORSE SHIT...I WANT MY LIFE BACK...I WANT MY FRIEND BACK...

I WANT JASON BACK MORE THAN ANYTHING...AND YEAH I KNOW...THAT'S NOT HAPPENING...

I JUST WANT THIS SHIT TO STOP...

I know...I should just put it behind me and leave the past in the past...have faith and find peace there...don't dwell on it so much...find a way to move on...this whole grief thing...it's NOT what they would want...so need to get over it...and if that's the extent of your advice folks I got just one response to all these self serving platitudes that make YOU feel better...

FUCK YOU...Jason is MY son and he LIVED and he DIED and I LOVE HIM NOW AND FOREVER...Bob is my friend and I feel the same about him...and...

I WILL NEVER FORGET EITHER ONE OF THEM...OR SHUT OFF MY FEELINGS...

EVER...

so I will just have to keep on living with this...and right now...

I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN...