WANTING...we are ALL left with it...

WE want to be able to KNOW WE heard WRONG...WE want the person telling US to stop saying "Jason...he's gone...he didn't survive the crash...he IS DEAD"..."but YOU don't understand this is MY SON...JASON NO...that can't be right"...then WE want our legs to work our gut to stop churning our head to stop swimming INTO this whirlpool...WE WANT this ALL to GO AWAY AND NOT BE TRUE...IT MUST BE WRONG...THIS IS MY SON...JASON...MY SON...CAN'T BE DEAD...


BUT HE IS...


HELL BEGINS...NOW...


I feel numb and trapped inside this whirlpool of thought...down on the floor on my knees then collapsing further not one part of my body wants to really function correctly...arms and legs ignoring commands to stand or move to a sitting position...face down to the floor hunched and screaming/crying/wailing/thinking...


MAKE THIS NOT BE TRUE...IT CAN'T BE TRUE...HE IS JASON AND HE IS NOT DEAD...HE IS MY SON HE CAN'T BE DEAD !...I PASS THROUGH THE OPEN GATES AND I AM IN HELL...


AND THE JOURNEY BEGINS...


suddenly, everyone around you is either talking under water or some crazy foreign language...when your ears work the words people are saying to you don't make much sense...words you have heard used and understood now becoming obstacles to understanding and the communication breakdown begins in earnest...somehow you manage to move around unassisted and help make arrangements or even take charge of some things on this brand new "to do list"....you sit /stand/ walk in an almost completely numb state and learn to do the "zombiewalk" through the rest of YOUR LIFE...


you go through the motions as best you can trying to remember...ANYTHING and mostly, what your daily routine USED to be...eating sleeping and bathing can be hit and miss for quite some time for some of US...returning to work is a double edged sword...the activity helps you "think and keeps you occupied" just NOT always more clearly...the petty insignificant DRAMA people create for themselves WE once were a part of is no longer relevant...ARROGANCE AND IGNORANCE abound here at work now and YOU see it...you improve your motor skills once again, slowly but surely as like a child in infancy through it's first years of learning how it/things work...like a phone or writing your name on a bajillion forms to help "finalize" the details of the lives that just ended...your child's....and YOURS...you notice more and more how YOU are on the outside looking in or perhaps it's those around you who are outside looking in at YOU...


you notice a feeling of being watched and observed,  your every move act and word scrutinized for "normalcy" and graded accordingly...as if THEY would know "normal" or WE ever did...ok, so maybe putting your pillow in the fridge is NOT "normal" anywhere...so you stop doing that...but after everyone stops telling you they are sorry for your loss THEY think you're supposed to be "normal" enough to STOP talking about the child who DIED so THEY can pretend your are "better"...but THEY can't pretend fully if YOU don't cooperate...for THEM the idea of US "getting over it" relies heavily on our ability to STOP thinking and TALKING about "the dead kid"...


you see it's like this...Jason DIES and I'm supposed to grieve for a bit not "too much" and then "move on/put it behind me" and be my "old self" so THEY can be happy around me at any large gathering of "friends and family" and have a good time...I am NOT supposed to look around and see what Jason is missing and no longer a part of and be affected by it...I can't remember or think of how he would be in this setting or what he had done in similar settings because then I would get sad and THEY would get sad and the "good time" would be ruined and become a shambles...so THEY think...THEY may be right...BUT...THEY NEVER THINK THEY'RE WRONG about how it would play out...


it would never occur to THEM to THINK I MIGHT remember along with THEM  SMILE/ LAUGH and FEEL GOOD TO HEAR A SHARED MEMORY OF JASON...and that be the end of it...somehow in THEIR heads it ends up with me crying inconsolably and THEIR "fun time" ruined....or perhaps
THEY just don't WANT to see me cry no matter how briefly
because it would make THEM acknowledge my PAIN...and then THEIR OWN...so what WE are stuck with is a whole bunch of people "friends and family" alike "helping" ME "get through this"and "keeping me happy"...


by NOT even saying JASON'S NAME TO ME OR SHARING  A JASON MOMENT/MEMORY...THANKS...BUT IT'S NOT "HELPING"...I UNDERSTAND  nobody wants to be around someone that is "down" or "sad" or grieving "all the time"...but THEY DON'T see that after 5 years I am NOT "ALWAYS" grieving or sad and when I am...it can pass...surprisingly more quickly when somebody ELSE notices and ACKNOWLEDGES and COMFORTS by LISTENING and NOT TALKING...chances are WE DO NOT ALWAYS  NEED THEM TO TALK TO US...but WE SURELY DO NEED THEM TO JUST....LISTEN...NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND  A GRUMPY/ANGRY/BITTER OLD MAN...SO DON'T TURN ME INTO ONE BY IGNORING JASON'S LIFE...HE IS MY SON WHO LIVED AND DIED AND YOU ALL KNEW HIM...DON'T IGNORE/DENY HIS EXISTENCE...


I THINK part of the bigger communication breakdown FOR ME revolves around the "I don't know what to say" group that can't SHUT UP...
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT religion and godtalk BUT YOU CAN'T STOP BRINGING IT INTO OUR CONVERSATION BECAUSE IT GIVES YOU COMFORT...NOT ME...BUT YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL...BECAUSE YOU DO IT EVERY TIME WE TALK...IT ONLY ANGERS ME TO THE POINT I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "WHEN WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO CONVERT ME?...STOP SMOTHERING ME IN YOUR RELIGION/GOD BLANKET !"


talk of "plans/better places god's/jesus' arms/ heaven/need of angels and what JASON DOESN'T WANT FOR ME"...


IS NOT A HELP...IT INFURIATES ME...


I UNDERSTAND NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME "IN PAIN/CRYING/SUFFERING/SAD OR TURN BITTER AND ANGRY...SO STOP ADDING TO IT PEOPLE !...IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME ABOUT JASON THEN JUST LISTEN...IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...REACH OUT AND HUG ME OR PUT YOUR HAND IN MINE...TOUCH MY ARM/SHOULDER/BACK...LOOK ME IN THE EYE...HAND ME A BOX OF TISSUES...OR JUST LISTEN...I WON'T WASTE YOUR TIME...DON'T WASTE MINE...BY MAKING ME PRETEND WITH YOU THAT JASON IS NOT DEAD AND THAT I AM NOT SAD SOMETIMES...YOU ARE PUSHING ME AWAY AND SOON I WILL BEGIN TO WALK AWAY ON MY OWN...FROM YOU...YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT IT CAN BE ONLY SOMETIMES...BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET TO KNOW THAT IF YOU DON'T...


LET ME BE ME...ONE TIME...
IT'S WHAT I AM LEFT WANTING

I AM NOT APOLOGIZING...FOR NOT APOLOGIZING ANYMORE...

So...thanks to a metric ton of support from mrs me and some painfully open and honest and painful discussions with a dear lifelong friend...I have created an online group of my own called...the what NOT group or what NOT to say to grieving parents...membership fluctuates but remains over 100 strong after a rocky startup week or 2 in August...the overall concept is to bring people ("US and THEM") together in a place where the grieving parent can say EXACTLY what's on his or her mind without fear of retribution or coming under a religious onslaught of those closest to us...who are "trying to help" but NOT really...


the only real prerequisite is that religion and god-talk are not allowed as we ALL believe something DIFFERENT...sort of similar to the rules of an A.A. meeting...say what you want how you want but keep your organized religious beliefs out of the discussions...


this allows a safe haven for the grieving parent and a learning place for the friend or family member wanting to learn how to be a better help for the one who grieves...as their words go no further than the group page itself...


I must say, it has already been an amazing journey to see how many people, myself included, are realizing how much WE are NOT alone...in the last 5 years I have questioned my own sanity from time to time (more often than ever before to be honest) and especially lately...thoughts just flying everywhere and some are "profound"...I hate knowing I am losing them long before I can pull myself together enough to write it down for future reference...yes even a simple thing as reaching for pen and paper or iphone and notes page, as our technology now provides...to more fully understand my struggle...the damn phone is in my HAND and I can't focus long enough to suggest to myself to use it as a notepad !... 


what I read from other's posts these days is not just the pain of being parent to A DEAD KID...but the frustration with "friends" and family that talk without thinking no matter what we say or do...some of US ARE outspoken enough to say "I don't like the way you treat me and my grief for my dead child" or "I don't like the fact that the only way you can "deal/handle being with me is by either ignoring me or ignoring the FACT that my child LIVED and DIED and IS a PART OF THIS "FAMILY"AND MY LIFE TODAY...


it's one thing to be in a workplace and have people NOT have it ever present in their minds that WE are nearby and our child is still DEAD and WE might have FEELINGS about it that are sad or angry...but...WE DON'T WANT TO BE KNOWN AS THE SAD ANGRY PARENT WHOSE KID IS DEAD AND "THEY NEVER GOT OVER IT"...I still maintain that "we" as a society have got an awful lot to LEARN and a LONG way to go BEFORE grieving parents can even START to be UNDERSTOOD...


WE are expected to remain SILENT about OUR REALITY...which is EVERY SINGLE DAY something is going to remind of that our child is dead and NOT here or a phone call away to share the newest latest happy/sad news/events that touch our lives...WE are expected to attend WITH A SMILE AND HAPPY FACE PLASTERED IN PLACE THE ENTIRE TIME...weddings/baby showers/christenings birthdays (of any age really) and PERFORM as though... 


WE remain UNTOUCHED so we can "ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME AND NOT BRING ANYONE OR THE EVENT "DOWN"...


yet, these are the SAME people who in private, say things like "I don't know how you do it, if it were MY child that DIED I'd kill myself." or "I'd go crazy and have to be locked away for the rest of MY life because I couldn't "handle it." ...


REALLY?! I SHOULD FEEL HOW, WHEN YOU SAY THAT EXACTLY? LIKE A LOUSY PARENT BECAUSE I DIDN'T KILL MYSELF OR GO CRAZY ENOUGH TO BE INSTITUTIONALIZED?...YET...THAT I DON'T/ DIDN'T LOVE JASON ENOUGH BECAUSE I'M STILL HERE UPRIGHT AND TALKING SOMEWHAT COHERENTLY A GOOD DEAL OF THE TIME?....


or are YOU gonna give me that old line of WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE  BULLSHIT "god has a plan and you don't need to know what it is right now, because that's one of his mysteries?...WHAT'S A MYSTERY TO ME IS HOW YOU CAN STILL BELIEVE IN THIS INVISIBLE MAN THAT APPEARS ONLY WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT AND DOES WHAT HE DOES TO US, WITH NO RHYME OR REASON AND DOESN'T FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN BECAUSE WHEN WE ARE DEAD WE WILL KNOW AND BE GRATEFUL...HOW THE FUCK DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS WITH SUCH CERTAINTY?!...DON'T GIVE ME THAT BLIND FAITH CRAP EITHER...I SEE IT AS BEING JUST BLIND...


JASON IS DEAD FOR NO REASON...SO TOO, IS HIS FRIEND CHRIS... DEAD FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN A "FRIEND" WHO IS AN ASSHOLE AND WAS DRIVING WAY TOO FAST...I'M NOT GONNA "FEEL BETTER" WHEN I GET "THERE AND "HE TELLS ME HIS REASON" FOR KILLING MY SON !...HE'S AN ASSHOLE TOO IF HE EXISTS...


NOT sorry for NOT believing...NOT sorry for NOT caring so much about the mundane/ everyday/ day to day BULLSHIT YOU THINK is important...


at work it's how many paper towel dispensers are empty in a room with 5 of them...or how "dirty" looking a WORKING GARAGE looks...you'd be surprised what some people consider "a mess" in a GARAGE...I work for FDNY/EMS in NY...the place I work is where the emergency vehicles (ambulances mostly) are repaired and maintained...I clean the bathrooms and offices and some parts of the garage...
I have been doing this job for 22 years...


I know it's difficult to believe...but I have yet to have a bathroom or office floor complain about the how and when I clean them...but the people who use them sure have some funny ideas as to how I should hang a roll of toilet paper or that I should be made aware that on the weekend a SINGLE paper towel dispenser managed to run out while I was on my regular days off...and just so you KNOW there is no "right time to clean a bathroom...these are the hardships others have to endure and yet...


they manage without going crazy or killing themselves...
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT !!!...PRETTY STUPID HUH?


WORK ISN'T THE ONLY PLACE WE RUN INTO THIS LEVEL OF STUPID...FAMILY CARRIES IT'S SHARE...


Jason was born on my brother-in-law (Tony's)birthday April 14, 1984...
Jason was killed in a car crash on May 26, 2006..
April 14, 2007 my family had a party for Tony's 60th birthday
Michelle and I felt we should at least stop in say happy birthday to Tony and leave quickly...it was Jason's first
birthday being...DEAD...


trying to exit without explanation a cousin who "couldn't" come to Jason's wake or funeral because she couldn't "handle it" asks loud enough for both rooms full of people eating cake "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING !?"..."BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO "CELEBRATE" JASON'S BIRTHDAY...QUIETLY ALONE AT HOME."...."oh."...


YEAH "OH"....that was the second time Jason was realized as an afterthought...the first was at christmas at my mother's when we (mom michelle and me) decided there should be an extra place setting for Jason and my dad as they both died within 67 days of each other and this was our first christmas without them both..."why the extra plate? put this away we don't need it." "yes, WE do."..."no we...oh."...


WE REMAIN SILENT AS ONE AFTER ANOTHER INSULT/HURT/THOUGHTLESSNESS ARE PILED UPON US SEEMINGLY DAILY BY THOSE CLOSEST TO US...THEY DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING MORE INSENSITIVE OR UNDERSTANDING OF WHO WE NOW ARE...I DON'T SEE THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR FORGETTING TO INCLUDE THEM IN MY LIFE MORE AND MORE WITH THE PASSAGE OF TIME...


I /WE DON'T WANT SYMPATHY OR PITY... 
I/WE WANT MORE COMPASSION AND THINKING BEFORE YOU ADD MORE HURT TO THE ALREADY EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY DEVASTED...


IT'S NOT A PITY PARTY IT'S OUR "NEW NORMAL"
YOU DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME 


WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE...BECAUSE THERE IS NO SWITCH TO TURN IT OFF AND MAKE US BETTER...