WE want to be able to KNOW WE heard WRONG...WE want the person telling US to stop saying "Jason...he's gone...he didn't survive the crash...he IS DEAD"..."but YOU don't understand this is MY SON...JASON NO...that can't be right"...then WE want our legs to work our gut to stop churning our head to stop swimming INTO this whirlpool...WE WANT this ALL to GO AWAY AND NOT BE TRUE...IT MUST BE WRONG...THIS IS MY SON...JASON...MY SON...CAN'T BE DEAD...
BUT HE IS...
HELL BEGINS...NOW...
I feel numb and trapped inside this whirlpool of thought...down on the floor on my knees then collapsing further not one part of my body wants to really function correctly...arms and legs ignoring commands to stand or move to a sitting position...face down to the floor hunched and screaming/crying/wailing/thinking...
MAKE THIS NOT BE TRUE...IT CAN'T BE TRUE...HE IS JASON AND HE IS NOT DEAD...HE IS MY SON HE CAN'T BE DEAD !...I PASS THROUGH THE OPEN GATES AND I AM IN HELL...
AND THE JOURNEY BEGINS...
suddenly, everyone around you is either talking under water or some crazy foreign language...when your ears work the words people are saying to you don't make much sense...words you have heard used and understood now becoming obstacles to understanding and the communication breakdown begins in earnest...somehow you manage to move around unassisted and help make arrangements or even take charge of some things on this brand new "to do list"....you sit /stand/ walk in an almost completely numb state and learn to do the "zombiewalk" through the rest of YOUR LIFE...
you go through the motions as best you can trying to remember...ANYTHING and mostly, what your daily routine USED to be...eating sleeping and bathing can be hit and miss for quite some time for some of US...returning to work is a double edged sword...the activity helps you "think and keeps you occupied" just NOT always more clearly...the petty insignificant DRAMA people create for themselves WE once were a part of is no longer relevant...ARROGANCE AND IGNORANCE abound here at work now and YOU see it...you improve your motor skills once again, slowly but surely as like a child in infancy through it's first years of learning how it/things work...like a phone or writing your name on a bajillion forms to help "finalize" the details of the lives that just ended...your child's....and YOURS...you notice more and more how YOU are on the outside looking in or perhaps it's those around you who are outside looking in at YOU...
you notice a feeling of being watched and observed, your every move act and word scrutinized for "normalcy" and graded accordingly...as if THEY would know "normal" or WE ever did...ok, so maybe putting your pillow in the fridge is NOT "normal" anywhere...so you stop doing that...but after everyone stops telling you they are sorry for your loss THEY think you're supposed to be "normal" enough to STOP talking about the child who DIED so THEY can pretend your are "better"...but THEY can't pretend fully if YOU don't cooperate...for THEM the idea of US "getting over it" relies heavily on our ability to STOP thinking and TALKING about "the dead kid"...
you see it's like this...Jason DIES and I'm supposed to grieve for a bit not "too much" and then "move on/put it behind me" and be my "old self" so THEY can be happy around me at any large gathering of "friends and family" and have a good time...I am NOT supposed to look around and see what Jason is missing and no longer a part of and be affected by it...I can't remember or think of how he would be in this setting or what he had done in similar settings because then I would get sad and THEY would get sad and the "good time" would be ruined and become a shambles...so THEY think...THEY may be right...BUT...THEY NEVER THINK THEY'RE WRONG about how it would play out...
it would never occur to THEM to THINK I MIGHT remember along with THEM SMILE/ LAUGH and FEEL GOOD TO HEAR A SHARED MEMORY OF JASON...and that be the end of it...somehow in THEIR heads it ends up with me crying inconsolably and THEIR "fun time" ruined....or perhaps
THEY just don't WANT to see me cry no matter how briefly
because it would make THEM acknowledge my PAIN...and then THEIR OWN...so what WE are stuck with is a whole bunch of people "friends and family" alike "helping" ME "get through this"and "keeping me happy"...
by NOT even saying JASON'S NAME TO ME OR SHARING A JASON MOMENT/MEMORY...THANKS...BUT IT'S NOT "HELPING"...I UNDERSTAND nobody wants to be around someone that is "down" or "sad" or grieving "all the time"...but THEY DON'T see that after 5 years I am NOT "ALWAYS" grieving or sad and when I am...it can pass...surprisingly more quickly when somebody ELSE notices and ACKNOWLEDGES and COMFORTS by LISTENING and NOT TALKING...chances are WE DO NOT ALWAYS NEED THEM TO TALK TO US...but WE SURELY DO NEED THEM TO JUST....LISTEN...NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND A GRUMPY/ANGRY/BITTER OLD MAN...SO DON'T TURN ME INTO ONE BY IGNORING JASON'S LIFE...HE IS MY SON WHO LIVED AND DIED AND YOU ALL KNEW HIM...DON'T IGNORE/DENY HIS EXISTENCE...
I THINK part of the bigger communication breakdown FOR ME revolves around the "I don't know what to say" group that can't SHUT UP...
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT religion and godtalk BUT YOU CAN'T STOP BRINGING IT INTO OUR CONVERSATION BECAUSE IT GIVES YOU COMFORT...NOT ME...BUT YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL...BECAUSE YOU DO IT EVERY TIME WE TALK...IT ONLY ANGERS ME TO THE POINT I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "WHEN WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO CONVERT ME?...STOP SMOTHERING ME IN YOUR RELIGION/GOD BLANKET !"
talk of "plans/better places god's/jesus' arms/ heaven/need of angels and what JASON DOESN'T WANT FOR ME"...
IS NOT A HELP...IT INFURIATES ME...
I UNDERSTAND NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME "IN PAIN/CRYING/SUFFERING/SAD OR TURN BITTER AND ANGRY...SO STOP ADDING TO IT PEOPLE !...IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME ABOUT JASON THEN JUST LISTEN...IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...REACH OUT AND HUG ME OR PUT YOUR HAND IN MINE...TOUCH MY ARM/SHOULDER/BACK...LOOK ME IN THE EYE...HAND ME A BOX OF TISSUES...OR JUST LISTEN...I WON'T WASTE YOUR TIME...DON'T WASTE MINE...BY MAKING ME PRETEND WITH YOU THAT JASON IS NOT DEAD AND THAT I AM NOT SAD SOMETIMES...YOU ARE PUSHING ME AWAY AND SOON I WILL BEGIN TO WALK AWAY ON MY OWN...FROM YOU...YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT IT CAN BE ONLY SOMETIMES...BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET TO KNOW THAT IF YOU DON'T...
LET ME BE ME...ONE TIME...
IT'S WHAT I AM LEFT WANTING
BUT HE IS...
HELL BEGINS...NOW...
I feel numb and trapped inside this whirlpool of thought...down on the floor on my knees then collapsing further not one part of my body wants to really function correctly...arms and legs ignoring commands to stand or move to a sitting position...face down to the floor hunched and screaming/crying/wailing/thinking...
MAKE THIS NOT BE TRUE...IT CAN'T BE TRUE...HE IS JASON AND HE IS NOT DEAD...HE IS MY SON HE CAN'T BE DEAD !...I PASS THROUGH THE OPEN GATES AND I AM IN HELL...
AND THE JOURNEY BEGINS...
suddenly, everyone around you is either talking under water or some crazy foreign language...when your ears work the words people are saying to you don't make much sense...words you have heard used and understood now becoming obstacles to understanding and the communication breakdown begins in earnest...somehow you manage to move around unassisted and help make arrangements or even take charge of some things on this brand new "to do list"....you sit /stand/ walk in an almost completely numb state and learn to do the "zombiewalk" through the rest of YOUR LIFE...
you go through the motions as best you can trying to remember...ANYTHING and mostly, what your daily routine USED to be...eating sleeping and bathing can be hit and miss for quite some time for some of US...returning to work is a double edged sword...the activity helps you "think and keeps you occupied" just NOT always more clearly...the petty insignificant DRAMA people create for themselves WE once were a part of is no longer relevant...ARROGANCE AND IGNORANCE abound here at work now and YOU see it...you improve your motor skills once again, slowly but surely as like a child in infancy through it's first years of learning how it/things work...like a phone or writing your name on a bajillion forms to help "finalize" the details of the lives that just ended...your child's....and YOURS...you notice more and more how YOU are on the outside looking in or perhaps it's those around you who are outside looking in at YOU...
you notice a feeling of being watched and observed, your every move act and word scrutinized for "normalcy" and graded accordingly...as if THEY would know "normal" or WE ever did...ok, so maybe putting your pillow in the fridge is NOT "normal" anywhere...so you stop doing that...but after everyone stops telling you they are sorry for your loss THEY think you're supposed to be "normal" enough to STOP talking about the child who DIED so THEY can pretend your are "better"...but THEY can't pretend fully if YOU don't cooperate...for THEM the idea of US "getting over it" relies heavily on our ability to STOP thinking and TALKING about "the dead kid"...
you see it's like this...Jason DIES and I'm supposed to grieve for a bit not "too much" and then "move on/put it behind me" and be my "old self" so THEY can be happy around me at any large gathering of "friends and family" and have a good time...I am NOT supposed to look around and see what Jason is missing and no longer a part of and be affected by it...I can't remember or think of how he would be in this setting or what he had done in similar settings because then I would get sad and THEY would get sad and the "good time" would be ruined and become a shambles...so THEY think...THEY may be right...BUT...THEY NEVER THINK THEY'RE WRONG about how it would play out...
it would never occur to THEM to THINK I MIGHT remember along with THEM SMILE/ LAUGH and FEEL GOOD TO HEAR A SHARED MEMORY OF JASON...and that be the end of it...somehow in THEIR heads it ends up with me crying inconsolably and THEIR "fun time" ruined....or perhaps
THEY just don't WANT to see me cry no matter how briefly
because it would make THEM acknowledge my PAIN...and then THEIR OWN...so what WE are stuck with is a whole bunch of people "friends and family" alike "helping" ME "get through this"and "keeping me happy"...
by NOT even saying JASON'S NAME TO ME OR SHARING A JASON MOMENT/MEMORY...THANKS...BUT IT'S NOT "HELPING"...I UNDERSTAND nobody wants to be around someone that is "down" or "sad" or grieving "all the time"...but THEY DON'T see that after 5 years I am NOT "ALWAYS" grieving or sad and when I am...it can pass...surprisingly more quickly when somebody ELSE notices and ACKNOWLEDGES and COMFORTS by LISTENING and NOT TALKING...chances are WE DO NOT ALWAYS NEED THEM TO TALK TO US...but WE SURELY DO NEED THEM TO JUST....LISTEN...NOBODY WANTS TO BE AROUND A GRUMPY/ANGRY/BITTER OLD MAN...SO DON'T TURN ME INTO ONE BY IGNORING JASON'S LIFE...HE IS MY SON WHO LIVED AND DIED AND YOU ALL KNEW HIM...DON'T IGNORE/DENY HIS EXISTENCE...
I THINK part of the bigger communication breakdown FOR ME revolves around the "I don't know what to say" group that can't SHUT UP...
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT religion and godtalk BUT YOU CAN'T STOP BRINGING IT INTO OUR CONVERSATION BECAUSE IT GIVES YOU COMFORT...NOT ME...BUT YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL...BECAUSE YOU DO IT EVERY TIME WE TALK...IT ONLY ANGERS ME TO THE POINT I JUST WANT TO SCREAM "WHEN WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO CONVERT ME?...STOP SMOTHERING ME IN YOUR RELIGION/GOD BLANKET !"
talk of "plans/better places god's/jesus' arms/ heaven/need of angels and what JASON DOESN'T WANT FOR ME"...
IS NOT A HELP...IT INFURIATES ME...
I UNDERSTAND NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME "IN PAIN/CRYING/SUFFERING/SAD OR TURN BITTER AND ANGRY...SO STOP ADDING TO IT PEOPLE !...IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME ABOUT JASON THEN JUST LISTEN...IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...REACH OUT AND HUG ME OR PUT YOUR HAND IN MINE...TOUCH MY ARM/SHOULDER/BACK...LOOK ME IN THE EYE...HAND ME A BOX OF TISSUES...OR JUST LISTEN...I WON'T WASTE YOUR TIME...DON'T WASTE MINE...BY MAKING ME PRETEND WITH YOU THAT JASON IS NOT DEAD AND THAT I AM NOT SAD SOMETIMES...YOU ARE PUSHING ME AWAY AND SOON I WILL BEGIN TO WALK AWAY ON MY OWN...FROM YOU...YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO LEARN THAT IT CAN BE ONLY SOMETIMES...BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET TO KNOW THAT IF YOU DON'T...
LET ME BE ME...ONE TIME...
IT'S WHAT I AM LEFT WANTING
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