"you alright ?"..."NO I'M NOT ALRIGHT...and I probably won't be "alright" EVER AGAIN...at least...not the "alright" you mean anyway...I WILL however, be as "alright" as I possibly CAN be."...
but I REALLY DON'T EXPECT YOU to UNDERSTAND...as we grow older and the people in our lives we care about the most start to disappear from the physical world...(like that?...quite the euphemism don't ya think ?)...we tend to gather together in groups (family/friends/coworkers) and reminisce/laugh/cry and speak in soft somber tones about the how and why and isn't life just too short/cruel/ unfair or random ?...depending of course, on the age of the Dearly Departed..."the natural progression/order of things is that old dies first and sometimes unexpected...but ok...and when someone's child dies its "tragic" and "must be devastating"...most of us go through the machinations and "get through" the ceremony/pomp and circumstance/rituals related to death and then "move on" to the "daily grind/routine back to normal"...whatever that is...and usually DON'T give it a second thought...
THEN THERE'S THE REST OF US...6 years ago I watched my Dad wither away for 35 days in a hospital bed...I took "the call" from the hospital first thing in the morning to be told first he was dead...I couldn't tell my mother so I handed her the phone...as I heard her response to the information she was being given I "fell apart" but "held on to be there for her" when the call was ended...WE cried together...the family and friends gathered and reminisced and laughed/cried and spoke in soft somber tones about the how and why...and "isn't life just too short/cruel/ unfair andrandom ?"...and we went through the machinations and "got through" the ceremony/pomp and circumstance/rituals related to death and then "moved on" to the "daily grind/routine back to normal"...whatever that is...and usually DIDN'T give it a second thought...it's a conversation we will never have...
EXCEPT THIS WAS DAD...not the PERFECT MAN but he was the PERFECT DAD FOR ME...he was a man...with a good heart and the very best of intentions...to ME he was Superman...and as I grew older he became more of a hero because he was..."just a man"...and that was OK...he came to share his "flaws and weaknesses" and his ability to EXPRESS his PRIDE in us his children and RESPECT as well for the people we became and choices that we made... he didn't always agree with us and he never really had to say...you could see it on his face...he was an easy read on this...he instilled in us an emotional strength that is now seemingly more important than any physical strength...at least for ME...his tolerance for physical pain was a marvel to those who knew him and the doctors who got the rare privilege to treat him...he was never one for doctors...I remember a time he broke his arm in 2 places in the afternoon around 4:30 PM and didn't go to the hospital until after 11 PM and returned at 3:30 AM wearing a cast...BUT THAT WAS POP...
I was NOT surprised when my Dad didn't make it...I had been expecting it almost from the moment I heard he was going into the hospital in the first place...colon cancer...and then there was...
JASON...67 days after my Dad died my one and only son JASON was killed in a car crash
on the Friday night of Memorial Day Weekend...NO, I KNOW YOU CAN'T IMAGINE "IT" UNLESS YOU HAVE LIVED "IT" FIRSTHAND...
it's NOT an "experience" for everyone...I don't know "how I do "it" or how "it" affects anyone else...I do know that aside from the pain and heartache and the occasional feeling of being tortured daily by just the knowing he is dead, I can and have and will continue to have, images of the details I know and the what I can only imagine his last moments might have been like run through my head at any given moment and for no "apparent reason"...YOU TRY living like this EVERY SINGLE DAY and NOT be a bit "off" from time to time...I certainly DON'T recommend it as a lifestyle choice...however, the alternative...is NOT an option for me...does that make me a lousy parent?...I can't count the times I've heard from the "uninitiated" "I'd kill myself if that happened to me"...now I'm perceived as "distant/removed/more serious/less open/odd/different/changed"...
REALLY !?! CHANGED !?...IMAGINE THAT !!!...JASON IS DEAD AT THE AGE OF 22 AND I'M "CHANGED"...WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME !? ...
but I digress...I have learned in these last 6 years that you can't please everyone and people are afraid to mention JASON'S NAME or REMEMBER JASON in front of me or just plain don't know how to just "be" around me even when I'm NOT falling apart...what I DON'T UNDERSTAND is what the FUCK is so SCAREY about me "losing it" over the death of JASON ?...I DON'T do it all the time...and if I do...WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU EXPECT OF ME?!? HE IS MY SON !!!...
while I'm NOT ALWAYS laughing and joking and smiling EVERY minute of EVERY day...NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE...so WHY is it "DIFFERENT" for ME...or ANY GRIEVING PARENT ?...if we talk about Jason and I smile the entire time YOU feel good that I must be “getting better"... but if I cry "it's a shame "he can't get over it"...I MEAN SERIOUSLY ?...WTF ?...
"well I don't know what to do when you fall apart"...how about...oh I don't know....GIVE ME A GODDAMN HUG/HAND ME A BOX OF FUCKING TISSUES/LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK !!!...HOLD ME IN MY SILENCE...JUST FUCKING "BE" WITH ME...and yet...another...conversation we will never have...
again I digress...
6 YEARS LATER...Mom decides to take a cruise to celebrate a Favorite Cousin's birthday...
6 days in she gets pneumonia...the ship's doctor in the infirmary can no longer give her the long term care she requires after 2 days of treatment...she needs to be transported by plane to a nearby hospital...the ship is in port in Haiti...yeah...the nearest "best" hospital is in the Dominican Republic...yeah...
22 days of hospital stays and me flying down to be with her first in DR and then fly with her to Ft. Lauderdale...10 days of having staff NOT understand a word you say and me NOT understanding a word THEY say and then the ups and downs of "she's getting better but not so much" in English...knowing in my heart of hearts what the "final" outcome will be but trying to keep a "happy face" on it for everyone else was just pure HELL...trying to keep everyone informed and holding it together was a whole new experience in pain and loneliness as my brother and my wife were only voices or text messages until we could actually be physically together... but BOTH were there for ME as best they could be...and as for the isolation...it helped (like I needed it) bring back thoughts of the whole "JASON/POP EXPERIENCES" to the forefront of my mind...when I "fell apart" during this time I was mostly alone and fortunately (or un) the first time I did Michelle had flown down to be with me...just seeing her was...EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING...and I was CONSUMED...although brief, her stay with me was the fortification my soul needed...
I am FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR MICHELLE feeling as she did, the NEED to be with me not only for the time that it was...but for helping me through what was the 6 year anniversary of JASON"S death...
yeah...Mom thought I needed to occupy my mind with other things, so we flew into Ft. Lauderdale even as the first moments of May 26, 2012 were hitting the East Coast...
oddly...I HADN'T FORGOTTEN WHAT DAY IT WAS...even sitting behind Mom on a gurney on the air ambulance that brought us (mostly) home...
then, 10 days later another flight...another funeral...thankfully she had the whole thing planned out for us kids...there was very little for us to "do"...except be there for each other...and we were...from the first day...May 16th to the very last...June 7, 2012...and beyond into the future...
and NOW...I find I'm in yet another place...no longer having a parent to call and talk about my day/things we are doing or planning for our future/what PURE JOY our granddaughter Olivia is bringing us with the things she is now able to say and do...my niece is getting married in November and it will be the "first" occasion for her and us as a family to be together and share a future and the happiness of such an event...but we "continue on"...being as happy as I can be with just a hint and sometimes a sledgehammer blow of "what might have been"...but that's a conversation we will never have...
while my work location has changed and the level of MORON has been drastically reduced from my daily interactions throughout my workday, I find a return (unwillingly) to some greater exposure to current event "new" stories that trigger the pain and sadness a bit interesting and unsettling at the same time...a mixed bag that I can fortunately indulge or pass on almost at will...but I can still be "greatly agitated" by a careless/thoughtless (or is it mindless ?) remark from a short term visitor...."I'm not leaving a will with anything for my kids fuck 'em...I wiped their asses for 40-50 years and I gotta do it again when I'm dead ?!? Fuck 'em let them work for it like I did."....just kinda makes me wanna say something like...
REALLY !? FUCKO !!!...COME BACK AND TELL ME THAT WHEN ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN IS DEAD...I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THAT KIND OF DUMBASS STATEMENT !!!...
but I digress...perhaps I'm just being "overly sensitive"...
ALL THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I WISH I COULD SHARE WITH ANYONE ELSE...OR JUST WITH...
JASON...
but it's just...
another conversation we will never have...
so I just walk away...
but I REALLY DON'T EXPECT YOU to UNDERSTAND...as we grow older and the people in our lives we care about the most start to disappear from the physical world...(like that?...quite the euphemism don't ya think ?)...we tend to gather together in groups (family/friends/coworkers) and reminisce/laugh/cry and speak in soft somber tones about the how and why and isn't life just too short/cruel/ unfair or random ?...depending of course, on the age of the Dearly Departed..."the natural progression/order of things is that old dies first and sometimes unexpected...but ok...and when someone's child dies its "tragic" and "must be devastating"...most of us go through the machinations and "get through" the ceremony/pomp and circumstance/rituals related to death and then "move on" to the "daily grind/routine back to normal"...whatever that is...and usually DON'T give it a second thought...
THEN THERE'S THE REST OF US...6 years ago I watched my Dad wither away for 35 days in a hospital bed...I took "the call" from the hospital first thing in the morning to be told first he was dead...I couldn't tell my mother so I handed her the phone...as I heard her response to the information she was being given I "fell apart" but "held on to be there for her" when the call was ended...WE cried together...the family and friends gathered and reminisced and laughed/cried and spoke in soft somber tones about the how and why...and "isn't life just too short/cruel/ unfair andrandom ?"...and we went through the machinations and "got through" the ceremony/pomp and circumstance/rituals related to death and then "moved on" to the "daily grind/routine back to normal"...whatever that is...and usually DIDN'T give it a second thought...it's a conversation we will never have...
EXCEPT THIS WAS DAD...not the PERFECT MAN but he was the PERFECT DAD FOR ME...he was a man...with a good heart and the very best of intentions...to ME he was Superman...and as I grew older he became more of a hero because he was..."just a man"...and that was OK...he came to share his "flaws and weaknesses" and his ability to EXPRESS his PRIDE in us his children and RESPECT as well for the people we became and choices that we made... he didn't always agree with us and he never really had to say...you could see it on his face...he was an easy read on this...he instilled in us an emotional strength that is now seemingly more important than any physical strength...at least for ME...his tolerance for physical pain was a marvel to those who knew him and the doctors who got the rare privilege to treat him...he was never one for doctors...I remember a time he broke his arm in 2 places in the afternoon around 4:30 PM and didn't go to the hospital until after 11 PM and returned at 3:30 AM wearing a cast...BUT THAT WAS POP...
I was NOT surprised when my Dad didn't make it...I had been expecting it almost from the moment I heard he was going into the hospital in the first place...colon cancer...and then there was...
JASON...67 days after my Dad died my one and only son JASON was killed in a car crash
on the Friday night of Memorial Day Weekend...NO, I KNOW YOU CAN'T IMAGINE "IT" UNLESS YOU HAVE LIVED "IT" FIRSTHAND...
it's NOT an "experience" for everyone...I don't know "how I do "it" or how "it" affects anyone else...I do know that aside from the pain and heartache and the occasional feeling of being tortured daily by just the knowing he is dead, I can and have and will continue to have, images of the details I know and the what I can only imagine his last moments might have been like run through my head at any given moment and for no "apparent reason"...YOU TRY living like this EVERY SINGLE DAY and NOT be a bit "off" from time to time...I certainly DON'T recommend it as a lifestyle choice...however, the alternative...is NOT an option for me...does that make me a lousy parent?...I can't count the times I've heard from the "uninitiated" "I'd kill myself if that happened to me"...now I'm perceived as "distant/removed/more serious/less open/odd/different/changed"...
REALLY !?! CHANGED !?...IMAGINE THAT !!!...JASON IS DEAD AT THE AGE OF 22 AND I'M "CHANGED"...WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME !? ...
but I digress...I have learned in these last 6 years that you can't please everyone and people are afraid to mention JASON'S NAME or REMEMBER JASON in front of me or just plain don't know how to just "be" around me even when I'm NOT falling apart...what I DON'T UNDERSTAND is what the FUCK is so SCAREY about me "losing it" over the death of JASON ?...I DON'T do it all the time...and if I do...WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU EXPECT OF ME?!? HE IS MY SON !!!...
while I'm NOT ALWAYS laughing and joking and smiling EVERY minute of EVERY day...NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE...so WHY is it "DIFFERENT" for ME...or ANY GRIEVING PARENT ?...if we talk about Jason and I smile the entire time YOU feel good that I must be “getting better"... but if I cry "it's a shame "he can't get over it"...I MEAN SERIOUSLY ?...WTF ?...
"well I don't know what to do when you fall apart"...how about...oh I don't know....GIVE ME A GODDAMN HUG/HAND ME A BOX OF FUCKING TISSUES/LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SPEAK !!!...HOLD ME IN MY SILENCE...JUST FUCKING "BE" WITH ME...and yet...another...conversation we will never have...
again I digress...
6 YEARS LATER...Mom decides to take a cruise to celebrate a Favorite Cousin's birthday...
6 days in she gets pneumonia...the ship's doctor in the infirmary can no longer give her the long term care she requires after 2 days of treatment...she needs to be transported by plane to a nearby hospital...the ship is in port in Haiti...yeah...the nearest "best" hospital is in the Dominican Republic...yeah...
22 days of hospital stays and me flying down to be with her first in DR and then fly with her to Ft. Lauderdale...10 days of having staff NOT understand a word you say and me NOT understanding a word THEY say and then the ups and downs of "she's getting better but not so much" in English...knowing in my heart of hearts what the "final" outcome will be but trying to keep a "happy face" on it for everyone else was just pure HELL...trying to keep everyone informed and holding it together was a whole new experience in pain and loneliness as my brother and my wife were only voices or text messages until we could actually be physically together... but BOTH were there for ME as best they could be...and as for the isolation...it helped (like I needed it) bring back thoughts of the whole "JASON/POP EXPERIENCES" to the forefront of my mind...when I "fell apart" during this time I was mostly alone and fortunately (or un) the first time I did Michelle had flown down to be with me...just seeing her was...EMOTIONALLY OVERWHELMING...and I was CONSUMED...although brief, her stay with me was the fortification my soul needed...
I am FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR MICHELLE feeling as she did, the NEED to be with me not only for the time that it was...but for helping me through what was the 6 year anniversary of JASON"S death...
yeah...Mom thought I needed to occupy my mind with other things, so we flew into Ft. Lauderdale even as the first moments of May 26, 2012 were hitting the East Coast...
oddly...I HADN'T FORGOTTEN WHAT DAY IT WAS...even sitting behind Mom on a gurney on the air ambulance that brought us (mostly) home...
then, 10 days later another flight...another funeral...thankfully she had the whole thing planned out for us kids...there was very little for us to "do"...except be there for each other...and we were...from the first day...May 16th to the very last...June 7, 2012...and beyond into the future...
and NOW...I find I'm in yet another place...no longer having a parent to call and talk about my day/things we are doing or planning for our future/what PURE JOY our granddaughter Olivia is bringing us with the things she is now able to say and do...my niece is getting married in November and it will be the "first" occasion for her and us as a family to be together and share a future and the happiness of such an event...but we "continue on"...being as happy as I can be with just a hint and sometimes a sledgehammer blow of "what might have been"...but that's a conversation we will never have...
while my work location has changed and the level of MORON has been drastically reduced from my daily interactions throughout my workday, I find a return (unwillingly) to some greater exposure to current event "new" stories that trigger the pain and sadness a bit interesting and unsettling at the same time...a mixed bag that I can fortunately indulge or pass on almost at will...but I can still be "greatly agitated" by a careless/thoughtless (or is it mindless ?) remark from a short term visitor...."I'm not leaving a will with anything for my kids fuck 'em...I wiped their asses for 40-50 years and I gotta do it again when I'm dead ?!? Fuck 'em let them work for it like I did."....just kinda makes me wanna say something like...
REALLY !? FUCKO !!!...COME BACK AND TELL ME THAT WHEN ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN IS DEAD...I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THAT KIND OF DUMBASS STATEMENT !!!...
but I digress...perhaps I'm just being "overly sensitive"...
ALL THESE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS I WISH I COULD SHARE WITH ANYONE ELSE...OR JUST WITH...
JASON...
but it's just...
another conversation we will never have...
so I just walk away...
you are such an amazing person Jaime, I can only imagine what Jason was like. It angers me that the rest of us were not given the opportunity to meet and get to know your wonderful son. It would have been wonderful to get to know the young man you speak of. Since that will never happen, I am lucky/thankful to have met you. Through you I get to know a little about Jason and his impact on people and this world. Through you I can express my own loss and know that I am telling someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental ~ you!. Through you many, many people were brought together to help and support each other in a way we could not get anywhere else. I like to think that this all happened because of you AND Jason.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine your Jason standing there with his beautiful smile, big dimples and laughing eye...maybe his chin would be cocked a bit? Jason would be saying "That's MY Dad" in a voice that contained so much pride.....
Jaime, right now as I finish reading this, I am unable to gather my thoughts together and say what I really want to say to you. For now, just know that I am sitting here with so many tears running down my face, that I can hardly see to type. As usual, you have managed to put into words the feelings I have. Jason, sweet Jason, who I never met but feel like I know, you have the most remarkable father in the world. It is no surprise that you are remarkable too. Thank you, Jaime, for sharing Jason with us. Thank you, Jason, for sharing your dad with us. I love you both.
ReplyDeletemoved to ters....thank you both...<3
ReplyDelete