Dreamscapes & Nightmares...

Monday, January 07, 2008

Dreamscapes & Nightmares...

Current mood: depressed

Category: Life

now we add to the next number in the long line of "special events" and holidays you are MISSING JASON...2 Halloweens 2 Thanksgivings 2 Christmases 2 New Years...and very soon now 2...

BIRTHDAYS...

Leigh got married Jay...3 months younger than you but he GOT MARRIED before you did !!!

oh wait, I’m sorry, he isn’t 3 months younger than you...he’s gonna be 2 YEARS OLDER NOW!!!...you see it’s like this SON...

YOU DIED AT 22 !!!

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARE...DEAD

YOU ARE DEAD JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA AND I AM STUCK HAVING TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING THIS IS A FACT OF MY LIFE!!!

now this is supposed to be a most JOYFUL time in my life...I am married to the BEST WOMAN EVER...YOUR STEP MOM MICH...we are now looking toward the FUTURE with a hopeful eye...sometimes a tear filled eye...because no matter how hard we try we can’t see YOU SHARING THAT FUTURE IN A LIVING BODY...

thoughts of you looking approvingly at what we do in memory and honor of you give us a chance to smile again, that you would be happy for us facing an uncertain future yet, forging ahead no matter, what side by side...

dreaming lately has become stranger than usual for me...is it you are trying to tell me something I can only feel but not consciously understand?...do they have any meaning at all and why can’t I remember them clearly but I can be left with the oddest feelings I have ever had?...feelings that remain throughout the day that leave me with a sense of understanding that can’t be explained...by me...to me !!!...

do I expect too much for one stupid thing like a dream to make sense?...just one dream...

as I have said before Jason, I never expected to EVER BE THE FATHER OF THE DEAD KID!!!...

YEAH...I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I imagine conversation after I pass 2 people, mostly at work..."who’s the weird guy?" one asks and the other responds "that’s Jaime, his kid DIED about 2 years ago."..."I think his screen name is theDEADKID’Sdad or some shit like that."...I also feel like that when I see someone new at the station for the first time and I start my nonsense conversation we used to have and when I walk away I can almost hear the newbie say "what’s his deal? why is he so weird?" and the answer comes back "his kid’s dead."...these days when I’m really not "handling this well"... like today, someone will ask how I am and now I say "ok, except I got a touch of the DEAD KID SYNDROME."...

SOME PEOPLE GET IT... OTHERS NEVER WILL...MY TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR IS MY DEFENSE MECHANISM...

MACABRE?...FUCKING-A RIGHT IT’S MACABRE...

BUT IT BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THINGS...

OR PEOPLE!!!...

NO MATTER WHAT I DO/ SAY/ THINK/ FEEL OR PRAY JASON YOU WILL REMAIN DEAD...

FUCK...

THAT HURTS LIKE HELL AND THEN SOME...

I know I can’t make this any different than it is... I just have to make this the best I can...this being the REALITY THAT IS MY FUTURE...I will try to remain in the real world as long as I can...I will look to the future with as much HOPE AS I CAN MUSTER...I will try to accept that the mere mention of your name makes friends and family terrified that I or anyone else might have a sad feeling at the sound of it...and we NEED TO AVOID FEELING SAD FOREVER IF AT ALL POSSIBLE...SO LET’S ALL TRY A LITTLE HARDER TO NOT FEEL ANYTHING, OK?

YOU ALL GO RIGHT AHEAD AND TRY TO IGNORE ANY NEGATIVE FEELINGS YOU MAY HAVE...I WILL CONTINUE TO EXPRESS THEM WHENEVER POSSIBLE AND FREAK THE REST OF YOU OUT WHENEVER I DO...THERE HE GOES TALKING CRAZY AGAIN....

I don’t get why everyone has to walk around on eggshells every fucking day...If I say this someone will feel that and be hurt or upset by it...let’s hide everything negative we think and feel so no one will ever feel pain and express it...

LET’S BOTTLE UP ALL THOSE THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS FOLKS AND PUT A TIGHT LID ON IT SO WE ALL DON’T HAVE TO LIVE IN A WORLD OF REAL FEELINGS THAT ARE NOT GOOD ONES !!!...SPARE EVERYONE FROM FEELING SOMETHING BAD...LET’S ALL SIT AROUND AND WHINE WHEN WE’RE 60 SOMETHING ABOUT HOW MY BROTHER CALLED ME A NAME OR MY SISTER HIT ME WHEN I WAS 4 AND I NEVER GOT TO TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF WHILE THEY WERE ALIVE!!!...

after all, isn’t the world a much better place when relationships starting inside our own families are based on lies/ half truths and the art of deception to spare everybody’s feelings?...where is it written you have to love everyone you are related to forever? and who does?...oh really?!!..you do???...then you must be the only one on the planet that does and aren’t you just the better person than the rest of us?...

WE ARE ALL JUST PEOPLE AND PEOPLE... FALL IN AND OUT OF LOVE HURT THE ONES THEY LOVE UNINTENTIONALLY...SOMETIMES INTENTIONALLY...AND WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES...THE OUTSIDE WORLD RUINS ALL OUR LIVES FOR US EVENTUALLY...

SO WE SHOULDN’T SPEND SO MUCH TIME TRYING TO RUIN SOMEONE ELSE’S RIGHT NOW...LET’S ALL TRY TO GROW UP AND BE HONEST...MOM & DAD BROTHER & SISTER ARE ALL JUST HUMAN PEOPLE...IF YOUR LIFE SUCKS IT MAY BE SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT...BUT IF YOU LET IT, SEEKING REVENGE CAN RUIN IT FOREVER...

LIFE’S HARD ENOUGH IT DOESN’T NEED OUR HELP TO MAKE IT UNBEARABLE...

here’s a little hint for all you "he’s just nuts because of the dead kid" thinkers...maybe if you really listened to what he is saying...some of it just might make some kind of sense...just don’t expect me to explain it...

FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF...

THIS MAY BE RAMBLINGS TO YOU...

BUT SOMETIMES IT’S THE REALITY OF MY MIND...

the dreams being a mess I can handle relatively fine because they seem to be peaceful or bring a certain peace with them...even in the midst of a whole bunch of chaos...but then, that’s what dreams are anyway, right?...the hard part is waking up to the reality that...

no matter where I go or what I do...

I am what I am...

my nightmare is when awake to to find...

I AM THE DAD OF THE DEAD KID