And you thought I was done blogging ! or were you just HOPING?...

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

And you thought I was done blogging ! or were you just HOPING?...

Current mood: infuriated

Category: Life

Well, I am not done YET !!!

Let’s suppose you were the one with the...

SON THAT WAS KILLED AT 22 YRS OLD

Can you tell me again just EXACTLY how long before I can...

GET OVER IT, MOVE ON AND PUT IT BEHIND ME?

Because to be honest with you, either my calendar is broken or...

I AM VERY FAR BEHIND THE WHOLE CLOSURE SCHEDULE THE REST OF YOU SEEM TO THINK THERE IS FOR ME!

JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA!?

STILL DEAD SIR! MOVING ON SIR!

THANK YOU, NEXT !...

Is this how it works? To confirm what you must be thinking by now:

YES !! I’M FUCKING DEPRESSED!!!

VERY FUCKING SAD ALSO!!!

YOUR TURN TO GET OVER IT...

COME ON HURRY UP NOW!!

Did you ever wake up almost every single day and have the thought slam you in the head and heart...

MY SON IS DEAD?

well I do...funny thing is, I should be happier right about now...after all, I just got married to the best woman in the world for me...I now have 3 amazingly great stepchildren I wish were mine for real...I would be proud to say I helped make each of them ! I am proud to call them mine...I am not living alone on the streets or in a shelter...I drive a decent car...about 1 year away from retirement yet...

I don’t know something...

not quite...

hhhmmmm...

what is that little irritating feeling in my chest and belly...the heavy feeling of weight pressing down on my shoulders...almost feels like I’m being pressed into the ground?...

NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE...

been feeling like it a lot though lately, ever since...oh yeah !!!

SINCE JASON DIED!

MAYBE I should drink more...nope been doing that, it’s not helping...never been a good/heavy drinker...maybe I should start booting heroin...

NAH ! TOO SMART FOR THAT SHIT...

BESIDES, THEY RANDOM DRUG TEST AT WORK !!...THE BASTARDS!!!

At least at work I can more readily forget my troubles...but wait !... I work @ FDNY/EMS how can I get away from the horrors that haunt me?...

after all I hear about...

EVERYONE ELSE’S HORRORS EVERY FUCKING DAY !!

So why don’t you watch the news? read the paper? keep up with current/world events?

but Miffy Muffington farted this morning!!!!

film at 11!...some guy stuck his kid in a microwave last nite !! more film at 11...

let’s go live to the 23 year old mother of 3 setting her kids on fire in the parking lot !!!

I’m sick? yeah, sick of hearing this fucking bullshit everywhere I go being made to see it up any tv screen wherever I go...the deli.. the mall...everywhere!!!...

over and over again...

you may be mesmerized by this and desensitized as I used to be...yeah I watched it all myself endlessly...until...

JASON DIED

now, I really have no interest in seeing "funniest" home videos/ ass hole thieves or just plain ass holes getting killed on surveillance video or cell phone video or live feed from the newest disaster...my perspective and outlook have changed 180 degrees...I am no longer captivated and put to sleep by the mindless mind numbing horseshit that passes for reality tv or news footage...there is REAL HORROR GOING ON IN THE WORLD AND THE "MEDIA" ONLY FEEDS YOU WHAT THEY SAY YOU WANT TO SEE...

WHERE IS THE RAW FOOTAGE REALITY OF WHAT’S GOING ON IN AFGHANISTAN AND IRAQ?...HOW MANY PARENTS ARE MISSING WATCHING THEIR KIDS KILLED ON LIVE TV FROM THE WAR TORN COUNTRIES WE HAVE TODAY...NOBODY WANTS TO RELIVE WHAT WE GREW UP ON IN MY TIME..THE VIETNAM WAR WAS JUST LIKE OUR REGULAR TV SITCOMS AND DRAMAS...TODAY THE AMERICAN PUBLIC CAN’T HANDLE THAT KIND OF REALITY...

WHY ARE ANY PARENTS HAVING THEIR KIDS KILLED THERE?

HOW MANY HAVE TO DIE BEFORE IT’S DECLARED A WAR THAT’S UNWINNABLE??? OR JUST A WAR?...

sorry, too much truth in those words...doesn’t much matter to me now because...

JASON IS STILL DEAD ...

AND ALWAYS WILL BE...

NO ANGELS TOOK HIM...

GOD DIDN’T NEED ANOTHER ANGEL...

HE ISN’T LOST...

JUST DEAD...

remember Jaime or JJ that crazy guy that would do or say just about anything to make you smile or laugh?... yeah, whatever happened to him?...oh, he went crazy...really?? yeah, almost immediately after...

JASON DIED...

NO !!!...NOT CRAZY!!!...JUST CHANGED... A LOT!!!

I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS...

BUT I AM THE SANE PERSON I AM... TODAY...

I just stopped being fascinated by all the bullshit on tv reality or not...

some of it is too real...too painful, too full of other people’s MISERY...the horrors in MY real life make it difficult to view someone else’s on a regular basis...even the pleasant atmosphere of going to a movie or watching a tv show can trigger a thought that takes hold and runs away with me like a roller coaster ride out of control and I feel strapped in and helpless to get free or off...

my own memories of JASON can make me feel the same way... MOST DON’T THOUGH...problem is I never know which of my memories are gonna make me sad...

FORTUNATELY FOR ME I HAVE NO PROBLEM CRYING ANYWHERE ANYTIME OVER THOUGHTS OF MY SON...

I WOULD MUCH RATHER PEOPLE SHARE THEIR MEMORIES OF JASON WITH ME INSTEAD OF PRETENDING HE IS STILL ALIVE OR HIS DEATH DOES NOT REALLY EXIST...

IT DOES.. HE’S DEAD... IT’S REAL...

LET’S ALL CRY BECAUSE WE CAN...

PLEASE...

JUST REMEMBER...

IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO RECAP THE RECENTLY DEAD/KILLED/TRAGIC CURRENT EVENTS OF THE DAY...

GO TALK TO SOMEBODY ELSE

WHO ISN’T ME...

THANK YOU