freight train express...running through my head...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

freight train express...running through my head...

Current mood: depressed

Category: Life

I was raised with the catholic religious teachings from 1958-1972...the church and the world was going through some very intense dramatic changes...the American society of the time reflected those changes...as a child I remember being in church and not able to understand one word the priest said...he was speaking Latin and I was learning English...we used to go as a family...Dad went too...most moms and dads were married and stayed that way because it was a sin or disgrace to the family to get divorced...no matter what...I remember being taught to remain silent and solemn whenever I was inside a church...it is GOD'S HOUSE... or so I was told...I was also told that God was everywhere...so why does He need a house?...hmmmm...just wondering, hey I'm a kid...God loves everyone, even the bad people...

received my sacraments...all the way up to marriage...felt very peaceful for baptism and communion and nervous for confirmation...we learned in catholic school about the different sins...then we learned if the pope said it was ok, we could eat meat on Friday and not go to hell !...or purgatory which is hell light or heaven but not really...yeah, you figure that one out...they made it sound like a bus stop or train station where you wait to get to heaven where you meet God and all the cool saints...kind of a spiritual prison where you get released after serving an allotted amount of time for whatever you did wrong that was a sin but not a mortal sin...they were the worst...you could get sentenced to eternity being burned and feeling it forever, that would be really bad...and guess who decides whether you get to go on to heaven or burn in hell...yup, God...the one who loves everyone even the bad people...what confused me then and still does I guess, if He loves everyone and as we were told as we got older, forgives us for all the bad things we do and wants us to forgive each other...why do some of us spend eternity (forever) in hell burning?...

anyway, watching the church make some drastic changes as to what is a sin and what is not got very serious for the grown ups and then for us kids too...suddenly what I was eating wasn't such a big deal anymore no matter what day of the week it was...we were being taught that abortion was murder and we knew murder was the worst of the sins...we were given paperwork to show the progress of babies from conception (something we weren't allowed to learn how it happened in the first place!) to birth...you know we couldn't be instructed about that one either!...I mean the way it really happens...the next thing we knew we were going to rallies in Manhattan and Albany to yell at the Mayor and the Governor and anyone on the street that would listen that murdering unborn babies was wrong and should stay illegal...no matter what the circumstance of the mother and child...product of rape or incest were inconsequential according to the people that spoke directly to...you guessed it GOD...according to them God wanted babies to be born with all kinds of health/ social /mental issues and unstable home environments...if mommy and daddy were beating the kids or pedophiles or unwilling to care for the kids who cares?...God would want them to have a life of misery and suffering...why?...because He loves us !...is any of this part making sense to you yet?...did we understand any of what we were told to regurgitate at the abortion protests?...not really...how could we were 10-12 yr olds...what did we know about rape/incest and family situations or the cost of raising a child?...after all, we were children!!!...

while all these things were happening in America half way across the world our friends and family were losing their children to a war nobody declared...again innocent lives were taken...people were dying all over the place in huge numbers and God was...busy worrying what I was eating on a Friday?...His "children" are dying and suffering and killing each other every 10 seconds and He's worried about who ate a ham sandwich on Friday?...He didn't stop the war...any of them, He didn't stop the pain and suffering everywhere...we never got to live in peace and harmony forever...you could only do that when you die!...huh?..

anyway, before I even graduated from elementary school (catholic of course) I was already ditching church on Sunday mornings even though I got up early to get there and had no place else I could be at that hour...then I would spend that time making deals with...God...please don't let my neighbors tell my parents I was walking around the block for an hour instead of at your house praying and I'll be good...this week... I promise and can you just make time speed up a bit?... it's still only 9:05...after I got released...I mean graduated I slept in on Sundays cause no one was taking attendance at church anymore...like they lied and told us they were doing when I was supposed to be there...thought lying was a kind of a sin too!?...never mind God must have slept in a lot too cause I never got caught...the next I know is somewhere between grammar school and high school everybody must have stopped checking in on God...cause somehow He got lost!!...seems Him and Jesus His son (according to the church) must have gone and wondered off where nobody knew or could see them anymore...but it's ok cause it turns out a whole bunch of people were finding both of them everywhere...some folks even made up bumper stickers to tell everyone else...some of us didn't care much where they were...we just figured they were where they always were... EVERYWHERE like the church said...DUH!..as I got older people I knew and loved started dying...this is when I started hearing that the dead are in a better place...at rest now...finally at peace...

the next thing I knew people were saying they were reincarnated and talked about past life experiences and out of body travel and all sorts of near death experiences...with the drug culture becoming more the norm people were using slogans like "tune in turn on and drop out"...stop the war...make love not war...peace now...give peace a chance...these were the same people that were getting their heads bashed in by local police in every major city across the country...because all this peace and love talk somehow became UNAMERICAN !...hmmm...GOD BLESS AMERICA !...IN GOD WE TRUST...GOD apparently wants most of us dead or killing each other !!...SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE HUH?...HUH?...which God and country are we fighting for?...exactly!?...moving on to psychic friends and their "network"...there are "channels" and "tunnels" and light...bright glimmering/shimmering/beckoning/pushing away...whirling swirling...just like these thoughts in my head now here in print for you to read and try to make sense of...used to be I had an "imaginary friend"...and nobody was concerned even if they knew for sure because I told them about my "friend" but couldn't see them...depending on my age the form would change from human to animal...didn't matter to me I had a friend unconditionally...as I grew older I came to understand because the church told me there were supposed to be Guardian Angels and each of us had one sitting on our shoulder...cool huh?...as my teen years approached anyone who thought they saw people and animals or things that weren't there...were considered not to be "all there"...so how come everyone I grew up with started seeing these people who saw "people" and had "friends" only they could see?...and that is now considered "normal"...oh yeah, ANGELS ARE BACK for those of you who missed them...now everyone is seeing angels of sorts...showing them this and helping with that and guiding always somewhere else other than HERE...

see what my problem is yet?...so many different things I am SUPPOSED TO KNOW AS AN ADULT...there are no "imaginary friends"...no angels no GOD...after all, we created all of them...in our MINDS SO HOW CAN THEY BE REAL?...no matter what religion the instruction was always BE GOOD, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBORS AND BE KIND TO EVERYONE...this is the KEY TO HAPPINESS AND ETERNAL LIFE...now as an adult growing up with all these MIXED MESSAGES...WHAT AM I TO REALLY BELIEVE IN?...I have been GOOD... mostly, I never killed anyone...I HELPED whoever, whenever I could...I tried to LOVE everyone as BEST I could for as long as I could...some people lose the ability to BE LOVED...sadly...as a PARENT I did the best I could FOR MY CHILD to keep him SAFE and PROTECTED him from harm and DEATH...I NEVER BEAT HIM...I always tried to understand his point of view even when it differed from my own...I LISTENED WHEN HE TALKED...I HEARD what he was SAYING...I UNDERSTOOD most of the time...He grew up so FAST...in so many ways...I knew his ANGER/FRUSTRATION and FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS...he SHARED THEM WITH ME...even when he said NOTHING...now I know he can't call anymore or write, he can't even drop in to say "hi dad, let's eat..now I hear it's because GOD NEEDED AN ANGEL...WELL, WHO THE FUCK TOLD HIM HE COULD TAKE MINE??...

is this the same GOD that is merciful benevolent and kind?... or is this the GOD that wants SUFFERING and MISERY SO WE CAN KNOW HIM BETTER????...and come to love Him?...this has only been one year that my Father is dead...guess he went ahead to pave the way for my Son...funny thing is...with both of them gone...I hear them speak to me sometimes....they come quietly and sometimes together...other times alone...when they speak I try to HEAR and LISTEN...not sure of the message all the time...is it because I want to BELIEVE?...NEED TO BELIEVE?..or DON'T BELIEVE?...are they really trying to tell me something or is it just all the things I have heard since I was able to speak and REASON...that are making me FEEL THEM?...could be I am just going CRAZY and this is how it happens for me...because I am the one who's Father and Son DIED 2 MONTHS AND 6 DAYS APART...and this is how I am "DEALING" with it...if you want to know how it all turns out...STAY TUNED...HOPE YOU WERE ABLE TO MAKE SENSE OF THIS...IN THE MEANTIME...

GRAB LIFE

FOR JASON