SO HOW U DOIN' ?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

SO HOW U DOIN' ?

Current mood: angry

Category: Life

I AM JUST FUCKING FINE !!!...THANKS FOR ASKING !! ...NOW YOU ARE GONNA WISH YOU HADN’T...LET’S SEE, I HAVE HEARD FROM PEOPLE IN ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION THAT...I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY...WHAT CAN I SAY?...HEAVEN HAS ANOTHER ANGEL...HEAVEN AND GOD NEEDED ANOTHER ANGEL...GOD HAS A PLAN...THERE’S A REASON FOR THIS...AND ON AND ON IT GOES...IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS TO ME DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT...YOU ALL KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THE WARM AND FUZZY CLICHES PHRASES AND ASSORTED TERMS OF COMFORT ALREADY !!...

THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS... IS THE BEST WAY TO PHRASE ANY AND ALL OF HOW AND WHAT I FEEL ABOUT JASON ANTHONY LONGUEIRA BEING DEAD...ONE STUPID FUCKING REASON IS ALL THERE IS TO EXPLAIN WHY MY SON IS DEAD...A MOMENT IN TIME... A FUCKING NANOSECOND COULD HAVE MADE THE OUTCOME DIFFERENT!!...IS IT REALLY FOR THE BEST THAT JASON DIED?...WOULD HE HAVE BEEN IN NO SHAPE TO HAVE SOME FORM OF A LIFE HAD HE SURVIVED THE CRASH?...

WHY WAS THERE A CRASH IN THE FIRST PLACE?...I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWER TO THAT...JUST THE QUESTION...AND I AM STUCK WITH THAT AND OTHER UNANSWERED QUESTIONS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT THIS WAY...WHY?...THE NEVER ENDING QUESTION...WHY DID MY FATHER DIE 2 MONTHS AND 6 DAYS BEFORE MY SON?...2 MONTHS AND 6 DAYS APART...LET’S ALL TAKE A MOMENT AND THINK ABOUT THAT ONE...

2 SENSELESS DEATHS...FATHER AND SON 2 MONTHS 6 DAYS APART...HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM DOING?...I TRY TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT (MEDICATED)...STILL UP EVERY 2 HOURS...GO TO WORK 30 MILES FROM HOME...BARELY EAT...DEPRESSION DIET...CAN’T ENJOY A GOOD MEAL THE WAY I USED TO...EVRYWHERE I GO AS SOON AS I GET THERE I WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE...IT’S BEING SOCIAL WITH MY OWN FUCKING FAMILY SOMETIMES...THAT AT LEAST IS GETTING BETTER...SOMETIMES...

WHEN I AM NOT THINKING OF JASON I AM THINKING OF MY FATHER...WHEN I DREAM IT’S BOTH OF THEM VISITING AND TELLING ME SOMETHING...TOO BAD I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCKING MESSAGE IS THEY ARE TRYING TO GET ME TO UNDERSTAND...OR IS THAT JUST A WARM AND FUZZY THOUGHT TO KEEP ME FROM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND?...SOME FOLK ARE VERY HELPFUL WITH GREAT ADVICE...WORDS TO LIVE BY FOR ALL OF US WHO SUFFER A LOSS BEYOND ALL COMPREHENSION...LIKE THE DEATH OF A CHILD IN A SENSELESS CAR CRASH...THE WORDS ARE THESE...GET OVER IT...PUT IT BEHIND YOU...DON’T THINK ABOUT IT SO MUCH...IT’S TIME TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY AND MOVE ON...

ANOTHER QUESTION IS THIS...HOW MUCH WOULD THESE WORDS HELP YOU?...SOMETIMES I HEAR YOU ARE NOT DEALING WITH THIS THE RIGHT WAY...MY ANSWER?...FUCK YOU !! WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER AND SON DIE 2 MONTHS APART THEN MAYBE YOU CAN COME BACK AND TELL ME THE SECRET OF HOW YOU GOT OVER IT IN A SHORTER PERIOD OF TIME YOU ASS HOLE!!!...

UNTIL THEN FUCK OFF!!!...NO MATTER HOW YOU PUT IT...NO MATTER HOW WARM AND SOFT AND FUZZY YOU MAKE IT SOUND...IT STILL COMES UP SENSELESS FOR JASON TO BE DEAD...NO MAGIC WORDS...NO FUCKING CLOSURE!!!...NO PUTTING THIS SHIT TO REST...OR BEHIND ME...I WILL CARRY THE SENSELESS LOSS OF MY SON RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY...BUT I WILL KEEP MOVING FORWARD IN AS POSITIVE A DIRECTION AS I POSSIBLY CAN AND DO MY DAMNDEST TO FIND SOME PEACE AND HAPPINESS UNTIL THE DAY I DIE...BECAUSE JASON ONLY WANTED EVERYONE HE KNEW LOVED AND CARED FOR TO BE HAPPY...YOU MAY JOIN ME ON THIS QUEST...OR NOT...IF NOT BE HAPPY IN ALL YOU DO...FOR JASON