feelings...true or false...

Today I read a few things that got me thinking and they helped to set a tone for the day...sort of...
for me one of the most amazing things about Facebook is the ability to reach out globally but also be able to narrowcast so to speak...this makes it the greatest thing since sliced bread...for me anyway....examples are as follows....after your settings are done you are able to broadcast to the entire planet exactly what's on your mind an how you FEEL instantly and hope that if you are really only talking to just one other person they will see the thought in print and be able to immediately respond with how they FEEL about what you just said...this can be good or bad depending on the thought and the sender's wording and the reader's interpretation of those words...

I have personally experienced the whole "that's what I said but it's not how I meant it thing" and so far no real damage has been done...so far...that said I will now move on to how I FEEL...today...

these past few weeks and more the last few days I have been told by several of the group of friends I have dubbed quite affectionately "MY Compassionates" that ALL can relate to or experience in the same moment or timeframe a  FEELING of being NOT just:

FRUSTRATED/ ALONE/ANGRY/HURT/ TORTURED/ HAUNTED/ MISUNDERSTOOD/OSTRACIZED/LIKE WE ARE GOING MAD OR ARE ALREADY INSANE/PUSHED ASIDE OR JUST PLAIN FORGOTTEN...

AND YES, A GREAT DEAL OF THE TIME...LOST...

we DIDN'T ask to board this ship/roller coaster ride we were strapped in AGAINST our will...and now our little vehicle has been set loose/cut loose and launched full speed into it's twisting /turning /spinning/ whirling/ climbing /dropping all at once,  course to nowhere with no end in sight or escape from our bonds...belted in like a mental patient strapped to a gurney...head/ hands/ chest/ waist and feet with NO room for movement and no way to control what happens to us next...

even someone like myself who just let's/ has LIFE HAPPEN to him can't stand the utter and total loss of control of the simplest actions...you think to yourself you can do better under these circumstances or we are not doing  the "right" things to "get better"?...THINK AGAIN...it has taken and sometimes still takes me a longer time to get myself focused on what people are saying in order to understand the words coming at me...which leads to conversations that sound like "I'm sorry what did you say?" blah blah blah blah like the teachers or adults in any Charlie Brown cartoon....then I have to think about the sounds I heard play it back and inside my head say "go back a bit...nt gar?...hmm...a little more "you ant gar?" ok almost there, try again..."you want sugar?"..."yes please sorry I got lost there for  a minute"...

then there are the endless platitudes from the most well meaning and loved people in your life...their INTENTIONS are MOSTLY good and NOT meant to irritate annoy or just plain piss you off....

YES WE ALL KNOW BECAUSE MY CHILD IS DEAD YOU WANT TO COMFORT CONSOLE AND HELP ME "FEEL BETTER"...BUT AFTER A WHILE CLICHES AND WARM AND FUZZY SAYINGS DON'T WORK FOR SOME OF US in fact there are times when you get so frustrated with the whoever it is or whatever it is they are saying to make you see a better way of "getting through this and coming out all "happy" and thinking it will last us a lifetime just makes you want to scream...

 PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE ONE  OF US DIES, YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME THIS WAY  !...SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER YOU HOLD DEAR, SHUT UP AND JUST TAKE MY HAND OR HUG ME FOR A WHILE !!!...ACTIONS CAN SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...BETTER YET LET ME DO ALL THE TALKING AND LISTEN TO MY WORDS FOR A CHANGE...

at work we are an enigma us grieving parents are...nobody knows what to say or how to say it and so they try to avoid you...guess what...the SAME SHIT IS GOING ON AT HOME...family and friends go out of their way to avoid talking about "it"...YOU MEAN THE DEAD KID? "IT" HAS A NAME IN MY CASE JASON IS HIS NAME...OR WHAT I FEEL ALSO HAS A NAME GRIEF...OVERWHELMING SADNESS...SOMETIMES...DEPRESSION...

oddly even with these little ranting blogs of mine I can see where I am doing better than most and not as well as others...I am NOT on anti-depressants I am NOT taking sleeping pills anymore...I AM getting up way too early and being at work far too long and only getting paid for 8 of my daily 12 -14 hours in...NO, IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ANYON BUT ME...I UNDERSTAND THAT...YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD DURING MY DRIVE IN EVERY MORNING...sometimes NEITHER do I !!!.... I TRAVEL THE 26 MILES/ ARRIVE SOMEHOW SAFELY AND THEN I get to bang out most of my work before I even hit my start time...in what world does this make any kind of sense?....IN MY WORLD...I STRESS LESS THIS WAY...WHEN YOUR  CHILD IS KILED IN A CAR CRASH DRIVING INCREASES YOUR STRESS LEVELS...WELL, MINE ANYWAY...IT'S A PSYCHOLOGICAL BAND AIDE...THANKFULLY IT WON'T BE PART OF MY EVERY DAY FOR MUCH LONGER....

YES I DO UNDERSTAND WE ARE NOT ALL EQUIPPED TO SAY OR DO THE RIGHT THING FOR A BEREAVED PARENT BUT I WOULD SUGGEST THE BEST THING TO DO AFTER OFFERING AN EAR AND A SHOULDER...LISTEN WHEN WE TELL YOU WHAT WORKS AND WHAT DOESN'T IN TERMS OF MAKING US FEEL BETTER...DON'T MAKE US FEEL FRUSTRATED WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU FEEL FRUSTRATED WITH US BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEEM TO  GET US COMFORTED ENOUGH TO SUIT YOU....

WE NEED HELP PEOPLE...THE RIGHT HELP...FOR US...NOT YOU...
BE THERE THE WAY WE NEED YOU TO BE...OR GO AWAY...BECAUSE IF WE KEEP BANGING HEADS OVER WHY I'M NOT HEALING WHEN YOU ARE "HELPING" THEN WE ARE BOTH HURTING MORE...NOT LESS...