my happy face keeps sliding off, where's the staple gun?

    Go to the closet pick out a good one for the gathering ahead...let's see, family? yes. friends?  yes. fun?...I'm sorry what was the question?...oh, ok, yes more than likely there will be fun....good...now how about this one? too forced...ok this? too toothy...how about?...that works, not too tense and not too lax like you're not even trying. do we have to do this?...YES...not even gonna ask why. If they see me they get happy I made it and then we can go on pretending as long as my expression doesn't change. pretending what? oh, you know what...yeah I know what...I get to pretend I am having a great time and they get to pretend nothing bad has happened to me or our family...EVER...

well, except maybe that...STOP...don't say it, don't even THINK it...why? they are....yeah, but they aren't going to admit it, at least not to you...yeah, yeah I know the game and the rules...I smile and nod and they try not to say anything too real or upsetting and as long as nobody mentions his name or says something that reminds us all of who is missing...yeah, then we'll all be aright...and then we can all have a good time and feel good about ourselves that we didn't cause a meltdown of me...and when the grade comes in tomorrow we can all gauge just how "well" I did and how much "better" I am...time must be "healing" me  right along...a little behind schedule, but hey....think there might be "closure" anytime soon?...

Why after all this time on the planet has man not come to the realization that there is NO CURE for a parent whose child has died?...yes, we can pretend if we are lucky and walk around laughing and joking and making inane conversation but that is only because nobody EVER wants to hear the TRUE answer to the question : "How are you?"

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND...it's NOT like we are ALWAYS sad /depressed/ angry/ hurting or feeling NUMB all over...IT'S JUST MOST OF THE TIME...BUT WE HIDE IT WELL...

THIS IS NOT FUN FOR ANY OF US EITHER YOU THINK WE WANT TO BE THIS WAY? THINK AGAIN !...I KNOW MY SITUATION ISN'T AS BAD AS SOME OTHER'S...

for that I AM GRATEFUL...I am not fighting with my family...they are NOT out to destroy me...they just aren't equipped to "handle me properly"...and some of that is MY fault...I don't always know what I need or what I want to help me feel better before I feel TOO sad...some things work some times and some things don't work ANYTIME...there are NO RULES THAT APPLY  to every scenario of grief...no matter WHO you are...for me this process is just like me...A WORK IN PROGRESS...I would love to see the finished product but that will not be until I end...

I JUST WISH SOMETIMES IT WOULD BE EASIER...BUT IT'S NOT...

SO WE ALL GO ON...