Madness Redefined Daily

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Madness Redefined Daily

Category: Life

2 years ago I walked into this CONCENTRATION CAMP

and heard the doors slam shut behind me and sealing me inside this

LIVING BREATHING TOMB FOREVER!!

THEN THE MADNESS TOOK OVER...

"HE'S GONE."

were the words that began it for me...

"Jason is gone, he's DEAD."

"NO !!!"

this can't be it makes NO SENSE...these words can't have any meaning for me really because they do not fit...they just don't work those words...you can put them in a sentence and say them out loud but...they make no real sense they...

CAN'T BE REAL!!!

IF THEY ARE REAL THEN THIS CAN'T BE A NIGHTMARISH DREAM I CAN WAKE FROM...

JASON WILL BE DEAD FOR REAL !!!

HE CAN'T BE DEAD...

HE'S MY SON !!!

the PAIN BEGINS...

WAVE AFTER WAVE OF RELENTNESS ENDLESS CRASHING CRUSHING PAIN

I can't breathe...

I am moving so I must be breathing so this must BE REAL...

but it's just a really horrible dream right?

"NO!"

NO DREAM

THIS IS REALITY

YOUR REALITY

"But I have to wake up there has to be a time for me to wake up so this can end ."

"YOU ARE AWAKE,THIS WILL NOT END IT BEGINS HERE AND NOW"...

"BUT HE IS MY SON."

"HE IS YOUR SON AND HE IS DEAD."

"HOW, WHY, WHY HIM?"

NO RESPONSE

"Is this ever going to end or at least make sense?"

"THIS ENDS WHEN YOU DO."

"THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW."

"But how do I go on, what do I do?"

"You go on because you have no choice."

LIFE CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE

I HAVE AND IT IS NOT AN OPTION

"But the pain and sadness/the tears...

THEY ARE COMING NOW THE TEARS

PAIN/TEARS/MOTION...

TIME PASSES/ PEOPLE MEANDER IN AND OUT VOICES TALKING...

FLOATING FAR AWAY...

HERE BUT NOT...

Funny the way you can remember the feel of things...the sense of being there right beside the sense that you weren't...the unreality...the surreal ness of it..like twilight...neither here nor there...shape without definition or substance...disconnected words and thoughts...arrange them any way you like but hey still make NO SENSE...

JASON IS DEAD

THAT MAKES NO SENSE

SO HOW CAN ANYTHING ELSE EVER AGAIN?

NOT SURE...JUST KEEP TRYING...

FAMILY AND FRIENDS HELP

THEY CARE...

THEY TALK...THEY LISTEN...

THEY TRY BUT CAN'T...

UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS IS FOR ME

MOST OF THE TIME NEITHER DO I !!!

SO HOW CAN THEY?

THEY CAN'T...

I DON'T EXPECT THEM TO...

I TRY TO MAKE SENSE WHEN I TALK BUT CAN THEY UNDERSTAND?

DO I?...NOT REALLY...

TOO MUCH OF THE TIME...

I know what I mean to say but do the words come out right when they do come out?

I know how I feel some of the time but try to explain when someone asks "how are you?" and you want to give that reflex response of "good/great/just fine thanks and you"...but more often these days I have to stop and think harder to try to answer casually or quickly so that we don't HAVE to get into the whole...

"well to be perfectly honest with you, I have been depressed as hell lately and the whole dad of the dead kid thing just isn't working for me as well as I thought it would... as a matter of fact now that you mention it I was just standing here thinking about how he died what he might have thought or felt as it was happening and whether or not he felt any pain or is even aware that he is even DEAD NOW STILL!...I was also thinking about how and when I might die and my loved ones are also included in these thoughts along with a handful of strangers and their possible end in this thing we call life...so as you can see it's just a typical Wednesday morning and can I have that egg sandwich to go please?...

WHAT?!

YOUR MIND AND THOUGHTS DON'T RUN AND WORK LIKE THIS?

THIS IS NORMAL RIGHT?

next thing you're gonna tell me is you don't sit in a car that's moving watching traffic and see all the wonderfully different horrible crashes and injuries and deaths that can result in one ASSHOLE BEING FUCKING STUPID WHILE DRIVING NO MATTER WHO IS IN THE CAR WITH HIM OR HOW MANY LIVES ARE TAKEN AND SHATTERED STILL DRIVING LIKE THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES ON THE ROAD AND ARE INDESTRUCTIBLE!!!???

WELCOME TO MY EVERYDAY WORLD PEOPLE...

SIT BACK STRAP IN HOLD ON AND SHUT UP

"HOW LONG DOES ALL THIS KIND OF THING GO ON?"

"AS LONG AS YOU DO."

"HOW DO I GO ON LIVING LIKE THIS?"

"YOU JUST DO."

"GRAB LIFE."

"OK, THANKS FOR LISTENING AND TALKING WITH ME."

"IT WAS MY PLEASURE."

"BY THE WAY, WHO ARE YOU?"

"word"