Christmas Without Jason 3.0

Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Without Jason 3.0...

Current mood: grumpy

Category: Life

Christmas times 3 and each one without Jason because he is DEAD...

Look, I am much better this year than I was last year. I guess I must be finally

GETTING OVER IT !!!

Perhaps it's the year of pills that are "supposed to help" me sleep or maybe it's 4 months of anti-anxiety medication that stopped me completely from being able to cry.

Odd though, how I still managed to wake up this morning very angry and still hurting knowing full well this year is no different than last year because Jason is DEAD. Must be stopping all the meds for a full month. Yeah that's it, no meds!!

But hey kids, LIFE GOES ON AND APPARENTLY SO DOES CHRISTMAS, THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR !

If this is so then why was I crying in the shower this morning and wanting to scream out to whoever could hear me "which one of you fucking cocksuckers is responsible for Jason being killed?"

"Is it you Jason, that is responsible for your own death? or is it you God if you really do exist and have your own FUCKING PLAN FOR US ALL? and do you really not have to explain it to anyone? or was it the road conditions? the drivers of the other cars on the road or the driver of the car you were in Jason? which happened to be yours though you were NOT DRIVING IT THAT NIGHT...does or will the answer ever matter?

HONESTLY, NO THE ANSWER TO who is responsible DOES NOT MATTER BECAUSE IT CANNOT AND WILL NOT CHANGE THE OUTCOME. I am doing my best which, as you can see dear reader, isn't very good, to feel something RESEMBLING HAPINESS.

Lately I have been once again feeling some cogs clicking into place, things shifting and emotions lessening in intensity. I view it as part of a healing process of sorts because I don't think recovery is part of this little life package I had assigned to me. Sorry pal, no returns exchanges or refunds...you are stuck with it. I have been "feeling" Jason and my father making some form of contact with me. It feels good and makes me smile more.

Thanks Jay/Pop

I feel more aware that 3 lives continue to be connected and will always remain that way. It makes sense to me because not only were Jason and Chris killed, Ray was also greatly impacted to a lesser extent naturally, but still affected.

One crash and 3 lives intertwined forever.

I feel for each of them and for us who remain to mourn and remember with pain and sadness some of the best times that touched our lives were because of the mere fact they were a living part of our lives. I do not know what dead is like for those who are, but I do know that for some of us it is a Living Death to have to feel this pain from it. I do not know what it is to survive a crash in which 2 of my friends were killed. I hope never to learn that feeling.

I also know I am trying very hard to NOT become a bitter angry man because Jason was killed. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to succeed in this endeavor.

This used to be a naturally magical time of year for me. I would feel warm and happy at the thought of Christmas not from a commercial or religious viewpoint, but from my heart and soul. Now when I hear some of the songs of the season I get sad. I can't explain or even say which ones but I do know why.

You do too.

I want to start feeling better and for some things I have been, I feel the difference. I just wish it would show more. Sometimes I have more compassion and understanding for others and other times I wish every fucking body else would have it for me. Some days STILL HURT MORE THAN OTHERS.

I know this seems to be a bit all over the place but that's where I am at right now so JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. I WILL ALWAYS BE A WORK IN PROGRESS...

THIS IS ME

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE !!!