MEMORIAL DAY PAST/ PRESENT...FUTURE?...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

MEMORIAL DAY PAST/ PRESENT...FUTURE?...

Current mood: restless

Category: Life

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As a kid growing up in Brooklyn, I can remember going across the street and "around the corner" to the V.F.W. Post...VFW stands for Veteran's of Foreign Wars for you young people out there...you see my Dad was a Veteran...WWII...as we now call it...BIG DEAL!!... you say?...yeah, it is

STILL...I am not gonna bore you with a history lesson or talk about all the sweeping social changes that shaped where we are today because of that war...

the point of the VFW being a big part of my formative years is important only in that we used to go watch band practice on their front lawn...both my brother and sister were in the band...this instilled a sense of pride...and yeah, being a kid...boredom...anyway, we would also be spectators in our version of the something people have learned to forget as I grew older...we call the Memorial Day Parade...it was a BIG DEAL to my family because it gave us a way of saying THANK YOU... to the people who DIED so the rest of us can live in a free society...and COMPLAIN about how FUCKED UP THIS COUNTRY IS...

but I digress...NOW it is just the date that marks the beginning of summer and is looked forward to as bbq kickoff time and time to...PARTY PARTY PARTY...yippie!!!...nothing but blue skies clear sailing and SUMMER FUN...tell you what, you go on ahead and maybe I'll catch up to ya...PROBABLY NOT!!!...

DON'T LET ME STOP YOU FROM ENJOYING THIS TIME OF YEAR...I CAN'T!!...this time MEMORIAL DAY... IS PERSONAL...

I AM NOT SAYING NOBODY CAN HAVE FUN ANYMORE...I AM SAYING... FOR ME...IT IS DIFFERENT...CHANGED...FUCKING SAD...PICK ONE OF THE ABOVE...

IF MY LIFE NOW WERE THE ONLY EXAMPLE OF HOW LIFE IS I WOULD NOT BLAME ANYONE THAT DID NOT WANT TO LIVE IT THIS WAY...BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE MY LIFE...BECAUSE FOR ME... THE ALTERNATIVE IS NOT AN OPTION...AND I WOULD HOPE NOT FOR YOU EITHER...

I wonder how anyone could see the sudden DEATH that is their future and the PAIN AND ANGUISH OF THOSE AROUND THEM WHO THEY LOVED AND WERE LOVED BY...AND SAY "OK, I'LL LIVE THAT LIFE AND HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO EVERYONE I EVER LOVED OR KNEW"...THERE GOES THAT QUESTION AGAIN...GOD/HEAVEN/HELL??...really real???...or is THIS IT???...

I think...mostly...considering how strong the life force is in some of us this energy has to go somewhere...

NO MATTER HOW SUDDEN THE DEATH IS...or SENSELESS...

YEAH, I AM STILL ANGRY THAT JASON AND CHRIS ARE DEAD...mostly, I try and succeed impressively well to the outside world to reign in MY RAGE AND ANGER...this week my job is "celebrating" EMS WEEK...it is a time to acknowledge the help and healing hurt and suffering and the loss of LIFE...

some of them members...who have died in the line of duty or under unexplained circumstances...it is a nationwide week of RECOGNITION to the people who perform the most DIFFICULT AND HEARTBREAKING kind of work...SAVING LIVES...ONE CALL AT A TIME...

I used to help with preparing the stations for "company" be it Chiefs of the EMS/FDNY command or just "Joe Public" citizen...this year I am spending a good part of my day...AVOIDING interacting with co-workers...AVOIDING conversations about meritorious service...AVOIDING laughing at the humor in the midst of TRAGEDY stories...

AVOIDING AND CRYING...AT WORK, WITH MY CO-WORKERS CLOSE BY...SOME AWARE OTHERS TOTALLY UN...either way it doesn't matter...I DON'T NEED TO BE NOTICED...I ALSO DON'T NEED TO HIDE WHAT I AM FEELING FROM ANYONE...

none of it makes a difference because none of it will change things that already are...Jason is DEAD...Chris is too...no matter how old I get or how much time passes...I STILL HAVE TO "UNDERSTAND" OR TRY ANYWAY...THAT THEY WILL REMAIN DEAD...AS FAR AS I CAN TELL RIGHT NOW...I can hear it now, someone reading this and saying "God is making it so they live on in a way we can't see or realize because we are too stupid to understand the mind of GOD or his WILL for us"...

my answer to that is as follows: IN MY WORLD I'M GOD !!!...the mystery of life is what we think it is...after all, we created God in our own image...so with that, we can make it anything we want...

people come and go in our lives and so far, nobody has been able to explain the why...everything happens for a reason...but they can never give you the good one...coincidence or messages from beyond...reply hazy try again later...as the magic 8 ball would say if you shook it right...maybe that's what life is after all...the magic 8 ball...you just have to shake it right...or maybe it's just hazy...