There Is No Prosthetic For A Human Life

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Current mood: contemplative

Category: Life

Jason,

I know you know how I feel right about now and that I wish this wasn’t happening.

One year ago I started with those very words for my first time on myspace. One year later I STILL WISH it weren’t happening...but it is. No amount of wishing hoping thinking and dreaming have been able to change the one simple fact: You and Chris are DEAD...

YEAH, it kinda just hits you in the chest and stomach then sort of just sits there...

A PAIN IN YOUR HEART LIKE A HOLE IS BEING TORN OPEN IN IT...ONLY YOU CAN FEEL EVERY BIT OF IT AS IT TEARS...

Graphic huh?...It’s what I FEEL and LIVE with EVERY DAY...but anyway, I may not know the why you HAD TO DIE AT 22, but I do know that now I have a whole new family to LOVE and SUPPORT me through all this SHIT...

it begins quite naturally with our family and blends into Jeanie’s family along with Francois & Dee as well as the rest of your friends...

Each new day brings it’s own luggage, sometimes it’s fond memories of you growing up that now make me smile more than cry...sometimes someone is PICKING at the fresh scab on my heart...birthdays/anniversaries/growing families/new families being forged all make for an eventful year without you...the EMPTINESS I feel every day is the without you part of all these events...without you NOTHING is the SAME...NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR WHERE I GO WITHOUT YOU NOTHING IS THE SAME...

no matter where u go u r what u r...

that is the answer I get in my heart and in my head when ever I question if I might have shared too much of myself with you...I wonder did I share too many secrets?...

lessons of life/loss/illness/DEATH?...relationships/friendships grown up or otherwise...were they too soon in coming to one so young?...it always comes back a resounding "NO!" in your voice...without all the honesty and showing of emotion from both of us about what we were feeling about whatever the topic...you would not have become the man you were...I have only two regrets about my being in your life...

1.NOT BEING ABLE TO PREVENT YOUR DEATH...

2.NOT HAVING MORE TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER WITH YOU...

However this happened, whoever is responsible or whatever may pass for JUSTICE...does not matter because you will...

ALWAYS BE DEAD

nothing can fix that...these days if you lose an arm/leg or breast you can always get replacement parts...sadly even in the twenty first century...

THERE IS NO PROSTETHIC TO REPLACE YOU JASON...

I LOVE YOU

dad