I can see you listening but can you HEAR me?

So it's been a week to say the least...the last 4 years for me it's like...haven't they ALL been?...

the routine: wake up get showered/dressed out the door...drive in...the mind starts wandering to help the trip go smoother...

thoughts of:

last night/ the weekend before/ the weekend coming/the kid is dead/what time will the deli open today?/have my phone/video viewing equipment for the day ahead/the kid is dead/enough gas & cash/ exact change for the breakfast and lunch/am I going too fast or too slow?/check your speed...

THE KID IS DEAD !/ I KNOW !...oh, you mean Jason, my son...he's dead...right?...noyes...NO !...YES !!

WOW ! so it's true ?YES...for real this is not a dream or story or something?NO !...

you mean this isn't someone else we are talking about? or somebody else's life...this really happened...Jason is dead really and I am the grieving/bereaved parent here, huh ?...yes...sorry, but it's true...this is your/my life now...

the words/thoughts/answers can feel that close that they are on top of each other or following that close behind each other...it's the way my mind works some of the time these days...I tend to form multiple one words when my thoughts turn to this particular subject... it only reinforces how unreal and dreamlike (hopeful thought) this feels to me...ok, focus on the drive,/ watch the speed /turns /other cars on the road...I got this, I'm good...not speeding nobody around me good enough distance between me & the others and still in the correct lane...it's all good...EXCEPT...

the trip in wasn't bad today...EXCEPT...

At work I can manage to put it ASIDE...NOT BEHIND ME...the things that need doing get done my focus shifts to the job at hand...work, work, work.

I can do this, keep the flow follow the routine think about other stuff...funny stuff...silly stuff including the people I work with/around...share stories/laughs/ thoughts/frustrations of the everyday...somewhere along the way someone is trying to "help" so they suggest a "new" method of scrubbing a toilet/cleaning a sink/ mopping a floor/emptying a garbage pail..."JUST TRYING TO HELP"...UHUH...in 21 years the methods tactics and logistics of doing these things has not changed that drastically that YOUR WAY is the BEST way for ME to get the job done...we all have our own style pace and routine that we are comfortable with...I clean better than some and not as good as others...or YOU...I don't go around telling you how to do YOUR job...DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO DO MINE...you want to BELIEVE I am doing it WRONG keep it to yourself when you see I am NOT adopting YOUR way of doing it...that's what I do after I make 1 suggestion of doing something a DIFFERENT way and am rebuffed or IGNORED...I RESPECT that YOU are DIFFERENT from ME...and do not BELIEVE my way of doing something is correct FOR YOU...

most days aren't so bad or bad...as long as you realize there's just...NO DAYS...that are going to go by and you are NOT reminded or remember in even a passing thought that YOUR CHILD IS DEAD and YOU are NOT...and this is all TOO REAL...

in the last four years I have had DIFFERENT PEOPLE that I know love and RESPECT make some sort of effort to change my mood/attitude or comfort and console me into feeling differently about my life and Jason's death...some are family some are friends...ALL of them know me well enough (I HAD hoped) to NOT give me a bunch of warm and fuzzy philosophies and platitudes that are meant to make me see things differently...

I KNOW/ REALIZE and SEE that we all deal with life and death...DIFFERENTLY...

I ALSO RESPECT THAT NOT EVERYONE believes what I BELIVE or thinks what I THINK AND I DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE THEM...

It is NOT my place to go on a mission or tirade or whatever the HELL it is that is motivating them to try and CHANGE ME and what I BELIEVE...

I UNDERSTAND YOUR INTENTIONS ARE GOOD AND WELL MEANING...BUT THEY ARE NOT HELPING ME !!!...

UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT THAT AND ME !!!...AS I DO YOU...GOD DAMN IT !!!...

I don't NEED/WANT forwards/emails with angels in them or words that god wants me to hear/read that someone else who BELIEVES WHAT YOU BELIEVE sent to YOU and gave YOU comfort and warm feelings of joy, peace and love...

if you WANT to me feel warm give ME a hug or a blanket...

if you WANT me to feel peace SHARE a quiet moment WITH ME...

if you want me to feel loved...TOUCH ME WITH YOUR HEART OR YOUR HANDS...

WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND WE ALL THINK/BELIEVE DIFFERENT THINGS...

I can't PROVE there is no god...

YOU can't PROVE there IS...

I can't PROVE we ARE some science experiment of space aliens gone haywire...

YOU can't we PROVE we AREN'T...

I DON'T TRY TO CHANGE YOUR BELIEF IN GOD...

DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MINE...

RESPECT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME...

I DO...

WHY CAN'T YOU?...

I don't watch the news or current events/ reality shows like I used to...

this week a guy in line @ a fast food chain saw my FDNY patch and wanted to tell me about a crash involving an ambulance he was at as a volunteer EMS person...I flipped out but kept it civil as I said I didn't want to hear about it as I have heard about one too many crashes IN MY LIFE as I held up Jason's photo that hangs around my neck every day...he apologized and I said to forget it as he had no way of knowing...but I saw & felt his body language indicating he wanted to continue telling me this seemingly fascinating story that I would surely be interested in...he FINALLY acknowledged MINE that said NO I DON'T want to discuss it...I was rattled to say the least the whole rest of the day...the next day I walked into the garage and saw the smashed in ambulance that the mcidiot was trying to tell me about...

I posted my feelings on facebook and wound up getting several emails and comments from the "well meaning" and yet misguided people in my life who are "praying for me"...

on some level I really DO APPRECIATE the thoughts/prayers idea of what they are saying...that they love and care about me...BUT...

INSTEAD of HELPING it seems to IRRITATE me MORE...

their choice of words only comfort THEM and brings THEM peace and solace...NOT ME !

AND SO IT GOES...

I work for FDNY/EMS ...BUT that doesn't mean I want to sit around talking about EVERY FATAL OR NEAR FATAL episode in history...

YOU CAN...

I DON'T GO TO CHURCH OR PRAY...

YOU CAN...

trying to help me see my way to god and heaven...

YOU CAN'T...

STOP TRYING...

RESPECT MY FEELINGS DON'T TRY TO CHANGE THEM...