THANK YOU JASON, FOR SHARING THE RIDE...

Monday, April 30, 2007

THANK YOU JASON, FOR SHARING THE RIDE...

It was nice the way you tagged along to take the ride in to work with me this morning. Dreaming of you was so different and calming and...peaceful...the feeling is still with me now...who was directing traffic?...never mind...you know what I mean...you always did...better than I expected lately...preview of better things ahead?...

as much as I feel we are torn APART...sometimes I feel we are still so TOGETHER...for that I am HAPPY...even when it HURTS...25 days from now marks 1 FULL YEAR WITHOUT YOU...sometimes it feels so fresh... like it’s still happening now...other times it’s amazing that it has been this long...THAT YOU ARE DEAD...yeah, I still have to remind myself because it still does not feel REAL sometimes...even saying it out loud doesn’t make it real for me most of the time...

the dream state I feel like I am in today is the way it feels when I remind myself that you are DEAD...it’s like there is no substance to the outside world...afloat/foggy/dreamlike sense of reality...like being fully conscious inside a dream...weird shit huh?..."FOR REAL"...kinda like the movie Dreamscape we used to watch...funny thing about my situation is, the people who never really spoke to me before don’t know how or what to say to me NOW...which is fine, because I feel like if we weren’t talking before what’s the point now?...yet having said that, I still want people to at least try to have a conversation with me...just talk to me and see what happens...if I talk back we are both ahead of the game and it could be nice...If I don’t respond I am just not able to verbalize in that 1 moment...IT DOESN’T MEAN DON’T TRY !!...

SADLY, there is no rule book that works for everyone...no set of directions that make everything better...RELIGION can’t even come up with a foolproof instruction manual on how to deal with grieving parents and they been at it for centuries !!!...the REALITY IS THERE IS MORE GOING ON THAN JUST GRIEVING...even the word sounds like this will pass...like a kidney stone...we are not headed somewhere...WE ARE LOST IN THE NOW SOMETIMES...we appear to be able to function and talk like a "regular" person...but we ARE DIFFERENT NOW AND ALWAYS WILL BE...we sit we eat...some...we talk a bit more as time passes...laugh and smile are still in our facial functions...

BUT somewhere deep down inside...or not so deep...there is a burst of TREMENDOUS and sometimes OVERWHELMING SADNESS THAT HITS LIKE A TSUNAMI...MOST of the time it is kind of like a beach where the water meets the shore line...lap lap lapping away inside...quietly a good deal of the time building to an all encompassing all engulfing TIDAL WAVE THAT CONSUMES EVERYTHING in it’s path...so as you might have guessed by now dear reader, or just JASON, I have come to APPRECIATE THE PEACEFUL STILLNESS inside me when it comes...different types of dreams these past couple of days...but the sense of you with me...CALMING...NICE...

THANK YOU JASON

AS ALWAYS

I LOVE YOU

I MISS YOU

dad