THIS IS ME...

Saturday, July 21, 2007

THIS IS ME...

Current mood: contemplative

Category: Life

I've landed in a place I don't belong, something's wrong...is that how you felt on Friday night May 26, 2006 at about 8:30 PM Jason?...it's pretty much the way I have been feeling every single day since that night...lately I feel things continuing to shift a bit...mentally/emotionally/physically...I feel like there is a physical rearranging going on inside me sometimes...in my heart/head like adjustments are being made that I actually feel...the thought that comes right in behind the feeling is always something to do with you being DEAD...

sometimes it is just a warm memory of you...am I accepting instead of resisting the fact that YOU DIED JASON?...is my mind trying to keep itself from collapsing by making me conjure up images of you being at peace and finding some form of happiness in being DEAD?...do I really believe you are either sad when I feel the PAIN/HURT/ANGER/RAGE and happy when I am in better spirits for longer periods of time?...is it real or imagined the sense that you are right beside me or even inside me as I drive from point A to point B...and am I really doing the driving?...some days I get to where I am going and don't remember half the trip there...

THINKING OF YOU AS I DRIVE...

I have landed obviously on the other side of your SUDDEN AVOIDABLE SENSELESS DEATH...more than a year now...but with all the new feelings that sit beside the older feelings since your CRASH I wonder more if it is possible you not only exist in my heart/head/memories of you...but on another plain or dimension...sometimes the sense of your presence is so strong I can really feel like you are still alive and tangible...your touch/smell/voice/laugh all seem to come into focus loud and clear...

HEAVEN/HELL OR THE TWILIGHT ZONE...seems like I am walking between the three of them sometimes...I feel as though from the moment I heard you were KILLED IN A CAR CRASH I passed through a doorway and into a whole other world...reality is somewhat turned around...some things don't seem real at all...it takes a few moments longer for my brain to translate what is being said to me as if I don't even understand English anymore...it's still my one and only language so you can imagine how strange this is for me...

I also noticed that I can start a conversation and stop about two sentences in because I can't get the words in my head to come out of my mouth....sometimes an entire conversation takes place between me & the person I mean to talk to but I don't have the ability to open my mouth to speak out loud...this I still find very strange and yet very interesting as an experience that comes and goes...this part is even stranger to me...some days I feel like I am just doing a ZOMBIE WALK through my day the sadness is that overwhelming...what does it all mean?...

I have no idea...all I know Jason, is that since you DIED... I am not the same person I was before...something has definitely changed me for all time...

no matter where u go u r what u r...

this is me...

woke up this morning @ 4 am thinking....

DEAD...DEAD IS DEAD...HE, JASON IS DEAD...HE IS DEAD JASON...JASON IS DEAD...DEAD DEAD DEAD...MY SON IS DEAD...MY JASON IS DEAD...

after 2 hrs of fading in & out and only having this in my head the whole time... I decided staying in bed is not a good idea...

weekends lately have been proving similar to this...4 days off and of waking to the reality of my 22 year old son dead from a car crash is no doubt becoming so very much a part of my everyday...

I know he is dead...I am feeling some changes about how I feel when I think about it...sometimes I can't think of anything else...other times it seems as though I can feel a change in me happening but where it is leading I haven't got a clue...

all I know is lately all I can feel is the reality that my everyday dreams are other people's nightmares...

and yet I wonder how I remain sane with this thought running around in my head a great deal of the time...

or am I?