is it just me ?

So, I'm doing the dishes from the nice little lunch I made for myself and it occurs to me...the toast I made at the luncheon we had after Jason's funeral services. I raised a glass and thanked everyone for coming and joining us. I then simply said "To Jason" and they all raised their glasses and said "To Jason." This part I remember like it was a moment ago, I emptied my glass then I sat down in my chair and cried. Funny how little bits of memories come back at you, like the one about picking out the casket and clothes who wear for his final public appearance.

I coud be at work sailing along my morning routine, scrubbing a toilet or mopping a floor or just hauling 30 gallon garbage bags down the hall to the dumpsters outside. Suddenly I get a visual in my head of Jason reclining strapped in his passenger seat with Chris spread out in the back seat. "The driver" weaving in and out of traffic, pedal pressed firmly downward as the car starts to veer off the road. Ponder for a moment, just how fast a 1998 Toyota Camry with 3 passengers in excess of 200 pounds apiece seated inside, must be going to go airborne at 79 miles an hour. The accident investigation team puts it in the triple digits. When all is said and done 2 lives are ended and another shattered but still alive with a future ahead of him. Suddenly I'm angry. Imagine that. Inevitably about this time someone comes along with:

"If you get a chance can you move evrything so that whatever is over here is put over there and whatever is over there now needs to be put here, for no real reason other than because I don't think you have much of anything to do today." Sometimes you just want to say "I don't really work for you and this is not my job. You give them a look which of course leads to comments like " you certainly have an attitude today." Naturally the proper response to that is: "If you think this is attitude, you ain't seen nothin' yet !"..."Gee the last few moments inside and outside the car must have been something to create quite a scene for the locals to talk about for years to come."...

Go for a walk around the building and see who's up and moving, who's in or out today. Hope that you can only see only the fun people, with any luck all the miseries stayed home. Oh good, there's a happy familiar face. "Morning." A smile back "Morning, hey, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah." "Right?"....YES, THAT WAS ENGLISH BUT WHAT DID IT MEAN !!?? ...FOCUS, BREATHE YOU CAN DO THIS. TRANSLATE GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING ! Think...Morning something something right?..."Yes, it is very hot out and they did mention rain, have a nice day gotta go now !"

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT !?....the brain has left the body !...thankfully it left the answering machine on...Ok so, today is not going to be a good day for interacting with the outside world...at least not at work..."hey, what are you doing? where are you going? why you doing that and not this? Do you know anything about all kinds of stuff you really have no need to know and nobody but me expects you to? and while I'm at it, why didn't anyone tell you in the first place even if it's got nothing to do with you?"...I just need to know at what point during the course of my day did I look likeI wanted to play 20 questions followed immediately by "ask me another"?...if I can figure that out then I can arrange to not see these inane question asking people at that time every day... and I thought I was bad today !

Alright, let's have some lunch and relax a bit before finishing up the afternoon's work load. "Oh, look at that a picture of you around your neck wait, is that you?" UHOH... Here we go again !

STEADY..."No it's not me it's my son, he's dead." ..."oh isn't that nice, he's your ...he's what? dead?...Is that right?"...."well gee I sure hope so, 'cause we had him cremated 4 years ago ! I'd hate to find out we were wrong, that'd be a kick in the head huh?!"....while the sarcasm is still flowing...all that money on flowers a casket and the limos we could have saved...no,I think we were fairly certain someone would have stopped us if we were wrong about that whole dead thing...why are you backing away?...and another thing...yeah I can talk like this now 'cause I'm over it now...hell it's been 4 years what was I supposed to do spend the rest of my life crying and carrying on?...he was 22 a big boy out on his own, hardly ever saw him, he never called all that much...

Honestly...did you ever hold your newborn in your arms look at them and see how fragile life REALLY is then and had to stop yourself from finishing the thought "what if my baby dies? the when and how EVER cross your mind? parent to parent...you can tell me...my honest answer is yes and it scared the FUCK out of me and made me wonder how and where a thought like that ever got inside my head. Maybe there REALLY IS something wrong with me...I mean even before Jason was killed to be thinking like that....or is it another scary thought we as a people don't talk about anywhere?...DARK HUH?...

yeah well, I'm not supposed to be thinking about death and Jason and Jason's death I'm supposed to be thinking nothing but happy thoughts and wondering if Brad and whoever or Paris is ever gonna...FUCK THAT...when your child dies your mind goes places you never even dreamed of...in fact other people's nightmares become your everyday dreams...paint on your happy face hold that smile in place with whatever you got... you just hold your head up mister smile like an idiot and do the moron nod as people come up and talk about how horrible life is because they had to wait in line to be ignored or told no !....bite your tongue as someone starts telling you about the latest tragedy they just saw on the news and can you imagine how those poor people feel? shootings/stabbings fires and car crashes you didn't her about that?!! it's all over the news!!...whaddayamean you don't watch the news?! you mean you really don't watch any t v ? !...why not !?

oh I'm sorry...but you know maybe you should see someone...yeah maybe you're right but then...who's available 24/7 and will never leave your side just so you can vent when you need to?...oh yeah, god right...I'll talk to him right after I hear from Santa about the little red wagon I never got...I left a message with his service but those elves don't always give them to him....I don't know why he keeps them on...you want look at your calendar again and tell me how over it I'm supposed to be again...I think I'm way behind schedule...

enough rambling for one day...

peace